Confiding in You ϟ a.i.

Chapter 52

==Maddie's POV==

In California, after what happened, I had been so afraid of my nightmares that I would have to take a sleeping pill to be able to get a good night's rest. Each night, my dad would place a single Ambien on my nightstand with a cup of water. I never saw the entire bottle until the day I left for Ohio, and even then he was afraid of them all being in my possession.

I adopted his fear, even though I trusted myself. Since I've been here, the bottle of pills has been hidden away in the bottom drawer of my bathroom sink, collecting dust. I have been making such an effort not to have to take them, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to fall asleep.

It isn't even that I'm afraid of the nightmares anymore -- they're so recurring that the routine of waking up startled and in a cold sweat has almost become monotonous. The problem is that I have way too much on my mind.

Before, it was just the assault that kept me up at night. Now it's that, along with every problem I have had with my relationship with Ashton since the beginning. My thoughts go back and forth about having sex with him, him cheating, and him in general for hours. The image of him kissing Jessica is still engrained in my mind when I close my eyes.

That's why, the next Friday, I get into bed at ten but don't end up falling asleep until 1:30am.

Even then, though, I can't win. I'm pulled from sleep like I always seem to be and I lay with my face pressed against my pillow, aggrivated. This time, it was the annoying melody of a xylophone that woke me.

I wait for it to stop before I start to try and get back to sleep, but not even a minute later, it starts again.

I roll over in a daze, waiting for my vision to focus so I can see who's calling me. The second that I recognize Ashton's name at the top of the screen, I pull my phone from the charger.

At the thought of his past, I become more alert. But I'm still half-asleep and ready to fall back into the comfort of my sheets, so I'm lacking the needed concern just a tad.

"Hello?" I mumble, wiping my face. I'm awake enough to acknowledge the fact that there's no sobbing or any unsual noise coming from his end and with that, the concern I actually had is gone too.

"Did I wake you?" He asks and I can't help but laugh.

"Ash, it's 2am," I plop my head back down onto the pillow and close my eyes. It was taking far too long for them to adjust to the dark, "Of course you woke me."

"Oh, he pauses, "I just kind of woke up and was thinking of you."

"That's sweet," I say, my voice lazy.

Had he woken me during a nightmare, I would be much more accepting. But I was finally sleeping fine and now I really just want to get back to it. I pull my covers up to my chin and curl up in a ball while I wait for him to give me permission to hang up.

"Is it lame that when I wake up I always expect to have you asleep next to me?"

"Yes," I say.

The more I sit on the phone with him, the more awake I become and the more my worries return. I hate it, but I still can't shake my doubts about Ashton. My heart still flutters around him and when he says stuff like that, there is a part of me that gets extremely happy. But since our conversation outside of the school, I feel like he's only saying and doing all of this to convince me of his feelings, not because he actually has them.

I can never win.

This week, the two of us spent the most time with eachother than we ever have. I had fun, I always have fun, but the doubts are always there knawing at my head.