Stay.

chapter 9

I came home with the children to find the house silent and empty, I tried to hide the relief that I knew was plastered on my cold face.

Calvin had left, he had actually done something that I asked of him for once. I showed feel happy right? He wasn't here. But I didn't feel happy, as much as I wanted to hate him I couldn't. My heart couldn't do it, not yet anyway even after everything his put me through.

I knew if he was still here he would make a scene in front the children which I didn't want, so him being gone before they come back was for the best.

I looked at my self in the bathroom mirror wanting to scream at my reflecting, I wanted to pull at my neatly straighten hair, I wanted to cry. Why didn't I hate him?

Was it still to new and raw?

There was still a huge part of me that ached for him and worried about him, he had no where to go, I already checked his wardrobe it was empty. He took everything with him but where would he store it all?

I shook my thoughs away.

No, he wasn't thinking about you when he was using his fist to cause you pain Millie.

I done the right thing.

I kept repeating over and over.

But it didn't make my heart feel any better, it was still shattered into pieces.

I let out a frustrated sigh while pinching the bridge of my nose trying to control my erratic thinking.

I needed sleep.
I was drained emotionally and physically.

The children were safe in bed, sleeping peacefully. They both asked where Calvin was I had to chock back the tears as I looked into my children's eyes and lied.

I told them daddy had to work away for a couple of days. Layne cried into my arms telling me she didn't get to say goodbye which made me want to break down right there but somehow i managed to stay stronge enough to give Layne the comfort she needed. I cuddled my baby girl and reminded her that daddy's know shes loves him and he loves her.

Dylan didn't really seem phased that Calvin wasn't around, he told me as long as he had me with him it was alright. I showed my son a strong smile but on the inside I had just exploded with sadness at his truthful words, he saw Calvin hardly came home and when he did the children was in bed anyway. I couldn't remember the last time we spent the whole day together as a family.

I knew I'd have to speak to Calvin at some point, we had children together. It wasn't as simple as calling it a day and walk away from each other, we'd have to come to an arrangement so he could still see the children, but I'd make it crystal clear if he showed up drunk or on anything else the door was getting slammed in his face. My babies deserved way more than that. They deserved a father who was willing to run miles just to get a quick simple cuddle off them.

I stumbled into my bedroom, the bed looked cold and empty, I couldn't bare to sleep init tonight.

The tears slowly started escaping my puffy eyes, they didn't seem to stop since the children were out of sight, I wasn't sure how I had any tears left.

I just wanted a cuddle.

Heck, I don't even care who by at this point, I just needed to feel like I had some sort of support, someone to tell me its going to be alright. Someone who would kick me up the arse and tell me to man the fuck up.

Tough love. That always made me feel better, my mother was always best at the tough love speech.

If anything ever bothered me she told me to put my big girls knickers on and walk straight through the shit with your head held high. Maybe that's why she was always so strong.

I decided against laying in bed to sleep, I'd take the couch tonight so I grabbed my pillow and thick leapord print blanket before making my way downstairs into the living room.

I threw the pillow and blanket onto the sofa, as I did so I saw my phone flashing indercation I had a notification so I picked it up off the glass coffee table to check who wanted my attention at nine o'clock at night.

Adam.
Millie, its Adam. I'm sorry for texting you, just wanted to make sure you are okay x

I read the text a couple of times making sure my eyes wasn't playing tricks on me. Nope. He really has texted me.

I hit the reply button before quickly typing back.

I'm really not okay, I'm falling apart.

I shook my head as the realisation started to sweep in, I could never tell him that so I quickly deleted the message and wrote something that made me sound a lot fucking stronger than I actually felt.

Hey adam, thank you for checking up on me, I'm really good, currently drinking a hot cup of coffee while watching a chick flick. Lol. Thank you again for having the children they had the best time. I hope your not too exhausted. X

God if my life wasn't such a fucking mess I'd be doing that right now with a smile spread across my face, and a full heart beating steady in the right place.

I took in a deep breath before releasing it slowly.

One day Millie, well get there one day.

Once I was satisfied the text sounded reassuring enough I hit the send button and snuggled up to the blanket.

I let the darkness and silence surround me, I didn't have the patience or energy to stare at the telle tonight, my own thoughs would only scream over the characters voices anyway.

I was just about to close my eyes when my phone buzzed against my hand, I looked down to see Adam's name pop up on my screen again. I hit the open button.

Adam.
Ditto, the coffee part that is. I'm most definitely not sitting here watching a chick flick. ;)
I'm glad they did, my two loved having them here. They are wonderful children Millie, you have raised them perfectly. X

I let out a small giggle at the though of Adam watching a romantic movie, but then as I scanned the rest of his text my giggle suppressed, a small smile appeared on my face as his compliment to my parenting skills.

Is it bad that I wanted to ring him?
I wanted to hear his voice. The comfort of someone on the other end listening to me, someone to block out my inner thoughs that craved all my attention.

No, ringing him was a stupid idea, what what I say oh hey, erm just wanted to hear your voice, I'm kind of breaking down over here.

Get a grip Millie.

I hit the reply button settling for a text instead.

Its okay Adam, your secrets safe with me. We all know notebook is one of your favourites ;) And thank you very kind of you x

I let out another small giggle before sending the text.

Let's be real The Notebook is a classic, it will always be number one for me.

I was a hopeless romantic, it's funny how I'm now craving for the love I once found. Calvin was my Noah, and I was his Ali.

Ahh. Stop it Millie!

Stop thinking about him!

I was struggling to keep my swollen puffy eyes open, my body needed to recharge to gain some strength to get me through tomorrow. It was a saturday so the children were off school which made me smile I couldn't wait to spend the whole day with them making new cherished memories.

Another text from Adam came through, I opened it up.

Adam.
Of course! it's a classic :) Night Millie, I'll see you Monday. Enjoy your weekend.

A small smile spread across my tired face, Adam had no idea what I was really going through or feeling but yet he manage to bring me some comfort just by a few textes. I didn't feel so alone.

Night Adam, you too, see you Monday.

I hit the send button before locking my phone I gave into sleep, allowing Noah and Ali to consume my dreams.