Stay.

Chapter 29

                             Calvin

I wanted a drink, god. did I want to drink I'd spent the last seven months at complete war with myself you'd think it would get easier but it didn't.

I fucked myself over, drinking and using drugs to block all these fucking feelings out but now I feel them all and its ten times fucking worse, not only is the pain there but the memories of everything I done while I was high or pissed would constantly flood in like an unwanted river that destroyed everything in it's path.

I'd wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat as Millies screams surround me it was always the same dream, she was running away from me tears streaming down her face she'd run into the kitchen and pick up a knife to protect herself again the monster. ME.

She'd never speak she just cry and scream over and over as I stood next to her laughing fucking laughing like I enjoyed bringing her so much torture.

I was my own worst enemy.

I had that dream at least three times a week, and I would always find myself standing outside a sweet shop like my body was autopilot and knew what it needed for the pain and nightmares to stop.

My body was still craving the alcohol, it wanted it to flow through my veins but my brain didn't, it knew the consequences of my actions if I brought the bottle to my lips, then my children's faces would pop into my head.

My beautiful children, little Laynes smile I'd close my eyes and imagine she was coming to me in her dreams to rescue me, she wrap her arms around me and whisper 'don't do it daddy please' hearing those pleading words I'd force my feet back home.

I'd try and shower my sorrows away then I'd be awake for the rest of the night trying to face my demons completely alone.

I had lost everyone and everything and it was all my fault, I put myself here I had lost my parents and sister, I had lost the only women I've ever loved and id lost the freedom of seeing my children all the time.

I hated everything and everyone, but most of all I hated myself I couldn't look in the mirror becuase I couldn't bare the person looking back at me. I fucked up my life so bad sometimes I wondered if ending it all was the better option, maybe it was the cowards way out who fucking knows but all I did know was I needed to fill this empty void that was left in my chest. It was like I was walking around with a whole where my heart use to be, I'm pretty sure I didn't even have a heart anymore it didnt feel like I had one anyway.

I was in such a dark place the only thing that seemed to get me through it was Layne and Dylan I had missed out on enough of there lives I couldn't have them hating me, I knew Dylan hadn't forgiven me completely and I understood that but Layne she was still daddy's girl, she was my girl, she had her mothers heart I'm sure of it so forgiving and loving.

Millie. god each time I saw her it became harder to walk away she looked well, she looked happy I saw her smile for the first time today but sadly that wasn't by me it was by him.

She use to smile at me like that, watching her with him was like taking a fucking bullet to the back I was crippled with pain when I saw his hands around her tiny waist, I wanted to be in his place.

I wanted her back so badly I still loved her I knew that would never happen I wasnt lucky enough to have own her heart again I fucked my chance with her but I couldn't shut my feelings off for her that easily.

How the fuck did I spend the last two years treating her as if she was nothing. I wanted to hold her so tightly against me I wanted to beg for forgiveness, I wanted to feel her lips against mine one last time, I wanted to look into her eyes and see happiness not fear. I wanted the life I once had back.

I wish I was trapped in a dream that i could escape from that my nightmares weren't my reality I'd wake up in our home walk down stairs and be welcomed by the smell of bacon, I'd find Millie humming over the stove, the children would be seated at the table waiting to eat, I'd be able to hold her and she wouldn't move away repulsed by me shed lean her head into my hand just like she use to do.

It was a little after ten, I found myself sitting in my arm chair that was placed in the corner of my living room I allowed the darkness to surround me it fitted my mood pretty perfectly I wasn't sure how long I spent staring out the window must have been hours maybe I had lost track of time but hearing my phone ring against my jeans pocket withdrew my view from the window and onto my phone, Millies name flashed up on my phone.

Millie? Why was she calling me this late? The kids. Something must have happened to them or they was sick, I hit the answer button and waited to hear her sweet voice I knew once I heard it it was wash away the pain allowing myself to feel a little bit of hope.

"Calvin!" Millies voice trembled through the phone "Calvin I'm so scared," she said through sobs

I stood up from the chair instantly and began to paste my living room "Millie, what's happened? Are the kids okay?" My voice was laced with panic.

Then I heard something that made my heart fall to my stomach, his deep raspy laugh. He was with her. Shit. Why the fuck was he there? 

Fuck.

"Well well well, Hello Calvin" he spoke into the phone so calmly as if he'd done nothing wrong.

"Jacob." I wanted to say a lot fucking more then his name but one thing I learnt through my drunken days is if you piss the bloke off hell take it out on the first person he could lay his hands on and he was will Millie so I needed to keep him happy.

"Where you been hiding aye? I've waited long enough for my money don't you think."

Fuck, ten grand.

I've only managed to save three, Millie and I still had a joint bank account that contains a hundred thousand in there but we both agreed that was for the kids when they was older and after everything I put her through I couldn't ask for it.

I let out a nervous laugh "I've not been hiding, just trying to stay clean and that you have Jacob but I have your money with me, I'll send you my address and you can come and get it." Please say yes, please say yes. I was in for a beating when he got here and saw I was seven grand short but at least Millie and my children would he safe.

There was a long pause, "Na, I like it in this house, its cosy and warm and you know me Calvin I don't come to you, you come to me."

Shit.

"Okay, I'll be there in twenty minutes." I already had my coat in my hand and grabbed the money from my safe that was tucked underneath my bed.

"I'd make it ten if I was you, I didn't realise how pretty she was Calvin you kept that part to yourself aye." He chuckled into the phone.

That was it I saw red. "I swear you lay a hand on her and I'll fucking kill you!" I roared into the phone.

His laughing dyed down "I'm not you Calvin I don't hurt women unless they ask me too," and there it was that sickness laugh.

I was going to hell when I died, I knew that for sure, Jacob was a big time drug dealer I always got my drugs off him and pretty sure you guessed it, I rung up a ten grand bill with him I'm not even sure how, I was such a fuck up and now I'm putting the people I love in danger once again.

He would kill Millie and my children if I didn't deliver every single penny.

"I'm coming," I chocked out feeling like all the wind had left my body from fear of what he'd do to them

"Good, oh and Calvin if your short she'll loose limbs," he killed the call.

"FUCKKKKKKK" I screamed as I threw my phone across the wall, I threw my hands through my hair feeling like the walls were caving in around me, what the fuck was I mean to do?

How was i meant to save them, I could use the money out of the saving but he'd want cash, I need seven fucking grand and I had ten minutes to find it.