Playing With Knives- LoZ

scene 52- trying

He rolled over again. It felt like the hundredth time. He just couldn't sleep. He had woken up in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason. It was like something was preventing him from sleeping.

He liked to pretend that he had changed. He liked to pretend that everything was fine. He liked to pretend that nothing was wrong.

But that wasn't true. No matter how much he wanted it to be, it just wasn't. And it couldn't be. There had to be some sense of order, even if that meant that he had to be like this for everyone else to be happy. This was what it was supposed to be.

That's what he told himself.

He sat up and walked over to the table. Well, he ran. Even though it wasn't far, it felt like it was miles away in the dark. And the dark scared him. He grabbed his bag and ran back to his sleeping bag with it, nearly tripping over Wind on his way back.

He sat down on his sleeping bag and took his pocket knife out of the bag.

He pulled his sleeve down and unwrapped the bandages. He opened the knife and slowly dragged the across his skin.

●●●

He opened his eyes. When had he fallen asleep?
Everyone else was already awake and at the table.

He looked up at the sky. Clouds were floating across it peacefully, without a care in the world. He envied them.
It was like they were taunting him.

He looked back at the others. He slowly sat up and forced himself out of the sleeping bag.

He walked over, smiling sleepily.
"Morning."
He sat down and looked at the others. Wind looked at him and commented,
"You look kinda like Sky with your hair messed up like that."
"Heh."

He looked around and saw that there was no food. He stood up and walked over to his bag. He grabbed a couple ingredients and tossed them into the cooking pot. Once the food finished, he passed it out to the others, getting a small portion for himself.

"You didn't hum that song."
Wild looked up from his food at Wind.
"Huh?"
"You didn't hum it."
"What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean. You didn't hum your cooking song."
"I guess you're right. I'm tired, okay? I didn't sleep well last night. I guess sleeping bags still don't work for me."

He smiled weakly and took a bite of his food. He made a face and sighed.
"This tastes like shit. Man, am I off today."
He pushed it to the center of the table so someone else could take it.

Twilight took a bite of his own. food.
"Tastes fine to me."
Wind did the same and nodded in agreement.
"Tastes just as good as always."

"Well, it doesn't taste good to me."
Legend muttered something under his breath. Wild looked at him.
"What did you say?"
"I said, picky."
"Sure. I guess."
"You guess a lot, don't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"You say that you guess a lot, dumbass."
"Oh. Yeah, I am stupid. Especially today."

He stood up and sighed. He was bored. Already. He had just gotten up. He knew that today would be a shitty but also okay day. He felt okay, but everything he did was shit, and he was being really freaking dumb. They'd definitely suspect that something was up. He knew it.

He walked away from the table, but before he got too far, he stopped. He stared into the trees, blinking. He stared at the edge of the forest.

That beeping sound bounced around in his head again. Echoing. Increasing in frequency. Overlapping. He heard the sound of running through wet grass. The sound of rain. The feeling of mud all over him. The pain. It was intense. Not just the pain. Everything. Echoing. Overlapping. Like a choir singing rounds. Like a loud crowd of people. Like a herd of horses. Like a group of keese. Like a flock of birds. Like guardians. Oh, that beeping. It rang in his ears. It hurt his ears. It hurt him. Would this ever end? Would he constantly experience this? The neverending pain of remembering things he didn't want to. He just wanted to forget it again. To be free of this. To be oblivious to all the pain and suffering and deaths. Oh, how he wished he could just turn back time and prevent this all. Make it so it all worked out. So he didn't have to die. He was being selfish. He should want it to be that everyone survived. And he did. But he couldn't enjoy that if he was dead. Or like this. Where he remembered dying. Where he remembered the pain. The emotional and physical pain. Anyway, nobody would care about him. And he was fine with that. He was fine with being a background character as long as he didn't have to deal with this. He wanted to be a background character. Silently watching everyone go about their day. Not having to worry about saving the world. Not having to worry about other people ruining him. Not having to worry about ruining himself. Not having to worry about already being ruined. Not having to worry abo uh being ruined again. He had to try. But he couldn't. It was too hard. The sounds bouncing around in his empty head were yelling at him. Shouting at him. Telling him that he was worthless. Telling him that he shouldn't bother trying. Everything he loved was just taken away from him. Too many sounds. He wished they were physical objects. He wanted to set them on fire. Set himself on fire. Purge himself of these thoughts. Scoop out his own brain. He couldn't hear anymore. Too many sounds. Too much noise. He couldn't breathe. Did he even want to breathe? Not really. He didn't really want to do anything. He didn't want to die. He didn't want to exist. He didn't want to see, to hear, to feel. He didn't want to die. But he didn't want to live. He just didn't want to. To do what? He just didn't want to. Those sounds. They wouldn't stop. Why wouldn't they stop? Why wouldn't they just leave him alone? Why did they insist on bothering him like this? Slowly killing him from the inside out. And everything else was killing him from the outside in. Zelda, Twilight, Wind. The memories. The champions. The people he used to know. The people he used to love. The people who used to love him. He wished he could just cut himself open and let all of his thoughts fall out. Then he could stitch his head closed and go about his life like a normal, okay person. A person that didn't hate themself. He was just digging himself into a hole. Digging himself a grave. That was fine by him. If it meant he could escape from the world. But he'd be stuck with himself. With these noises. He'd have nothing to distract himself with. To distract himself from himself. From his thoughts. He wished that he could just wish away the pain. Wish away the thoughts. He wasn't fine. Even if he successfully made everyone think that he was. Even if he somehow convinced himself that he was. The sounds in his head would still be there, hidden beneath a fake smile. Beneath that calm outer shell, he was dying. Crying himself to sleep. That's what he did. Not every night. But some. Sometimes that was the only way he could get to sleep. The walls were closing in in him. What walls? Walls that he created. Walls that he built around himself. He was no better than he was before. Not at all. What if this was happening to someone else? What if they were thinking the same things he was? What if they had it worse than him? There probably was someone who had it worse than him. He was lucky. Other people had lives. Not just him. Other people. There were other people. He wasn't the only person. What a selfish fuck he was. Thinking that he was the only person going through this. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine. He was fine.