The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

ii.

"Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon stared down at the ball of yarn in his hands. It was soft. He could turn it over and over in his hands endlessly. It helped pass the time.

"Hyungwon, have you gotten involved in your college community?" his therapist asked him, leaning forward.

"I'm going to class."

"Besides that."

He flicked his eyes up at her before looking back down at the yarn, slipping his thumb under one of the strings. "No."

"Hyungwon," she said, followed by a pause that he knew was a withheld sigh. She didn't want to sigh; it would convey disappointment in him, in his lack of progress, and she wasn't there to be disappointed in him but rather to help him, so there were such occasions where she had to swallow her sighs for his sake. He recognized this as one of those times. "I really think it'll be good for you to get engaged with your community. It's part of your progress."

"Well maybe I'm just not progressing," he mumbled, slipping another finger under the thread. There was an odd aura around the therapist's office. He felt almost compelled to be honest, and yet he was reluctant to attend their sessions. He wanted to be left alone, but he knew that it would be harmful for him to not have any human contact whatsoever. Despite the conflicting thoughts that plagued him, he always showed up for his appointment, and he kept to a reasonable degree of honesty. He had no real reason to lie, and so few people to talk to.

"But you are," she insisted. He knew that he was supposed to be happy, that progress was good, but it felt wrong, somehow. That he could move past this. Like it had occupied a spot on his calendar, but the year had changed and he'd moved on to a new one.

He couldn't just move on.

"You're doing great, Hyungwon. You're almost fully recovered-"

The scars on his face burned in memory of long nights in the hospital. He heard the gurgling of blood caught in Mi-Yeon's throat. Two machines beeping, then just one.

"-and you're doing so well, you're going to school and taking care of yourself and that's a great thing."

Hyungwon shrugged, removing his fingers from the yarn and instead crushing it between his hands. The material was soft against his skin. He released the pressure after a moment, and the yarn rebounded back out to its full shape.

"The next step is for you to meet people, make some friends. Be more open with yourself."

One of her rules that she'd implemented over a month ago was that he couldn't wear his face mask or hood during their sessions. It made him uncomfortable, knowing that she could see the mess that was his face, that she had to look at him for an hour a week and pretend like he was a normal human being. And yet she always met his eyes.

It was something he didn't appreciate in the moment, but he thought he would in the future.

"I don't want to make friends," he responded, unwinding the end of the yarn, the free string growing longer with each revolution he made.

"Why not?" she asked him, and by the way her voice had softened, he could tell that his answer would be psychoanalyzed.

If he said that he wanted to be left alone, she'd take it that he was too afraid to be hurt again by losing someone else. And if he said that he hated people, she'd take it that he was projecting his own anger and sense of unfairness on the rest of the world. Any answer would reveal that he wasn't okay, and that was fine because it was the truth, but he didn't like the feeling of being decoded.

He shrugged, buying time as he let the yarn unwind a while longer, keeping his eyes down on the thread spooling at his fingertips. "I just don't want to," he said after a minute. "I don't have any interest."

"All right," she said after a moment, sensing that he wouldn't give her a better answer just yet. He didn't even know if he had one. He just knew that he didn't want to be around other people. "Then, can you tell me this? What's your purpose in going to college?"

He looked up at her, surprised, the yarn falling out of his hand and coming further undone. He felt a brief jolt as they locked eyes, and then he looked down, grabbing the yarn up and muttering an apology as he quickly began wrapping the thread back around.

"Hyungwon? You don't have to worry about that, okay? Just- what's your goal for college?"

"I don't have a goal or a purpose," he said, winding the string faster still in agitation. "You told me to jump back into a normal life. You said that I should try college, so I'm trying it," he said sharply, not looking back up.

"Okay, Hyungwon. I'm sorry if I upset you," she said softly, and he knew she was trying to calm him down subliminally but it worked anyway. He felt his muscles loosening, his breathing slowing. "I just- I want to know what's propelling you forward. Besides me, and I'm only trying to push you to do things to help you recover," she said, her voice still soft and perfectly gentle.

"Nothing's propelling me forward," he said, his voice soft and even as he finished rewrapping the yarn. He set it down on the table, but his hands immediately felt restless, so he picked it back up, rolling the ball between his right palm and his left. "I'm just moving forward, tripping and falling but the momentum keeps me moving in the same direction. I just want..." He paused, stopping the ball in his right palm.

"What do you want, Hyungwon?"

"I just want to stop," he said, setting the yarn back down on the table, only this time, he didn't pick it back up, just stared at it.

"I think that's good for today."