The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

vii.

Hyungwon walked to his therapist's office. His appointments were on Thursdays, and today was Thursday. But more than that, he felt like he needed someone to talk to, to try and make sense of everything.

Had it really been a prank after all? But why would they have gone to such lengths for someone they didn't know? Kids could be mean, but it just seemed too odd for it to have been some sort of elaborate plan.

So maybe they were telling the truth then. But why make a club like that in the first place? Hyungwon paused at the intersection as the walk sign changed to red. He was...angry, he thought. It had been a while since he'd felt the more precise emotions besides general sadness and numbness. His head felt clearer, somehow. Like he was waking up from something.

He didn't know if he liked it.

It had been easier when he'd felt nothing, hopelessness choking out every hour of the day. He hadn't needed to think, then. There hadn't been any questions. But now his head was entangled in webs of confusion.

Why had he walked out? What would have happened if he had stayed? Would they have let him in? Would they have become friends?

Something dark and ugly settled in his stomach. It was a familiar guilt, the guilt that made him question why he should be allowed to have friends, why he should be allowed to enjoy even a moment, why he should be alive when his whole family was dead.

He didn't deserve friends.

He didn't deserve happiness.

He didn't deserve life.

The walk sign changed, signaling him forward, and he crossed the intersection.

He needed someone's help to make all of his thoughts go away.

--

The door was locked, and there was no golden rectangle of light spilling out from beneath the door.

Hyungwon didn't know what to do. This had never happened before.

He tried the knob once more before fumbling in his backpack and finding his phone lodged in between several notebooks. He extracted it and held the power button down for a moment. Maybe she'd pushed back their appointment for today, although he wouldn't have known since he'd had his phone turned off for the better part of a week now.

The screen lit up before asking him to enter his pass code, and then he was in. He winced as he saw 18 call notifications, but he went ahead and opened the app anyway. As expected, he saw two calls from his therapist enveloped within 14 calls from a law firm. Two unknown calls were listed at the top with voice mails, but he ignored them, opening up his therapist's instead.

He put the phone up against his ear, biting his lip. This was odd. This was strange. His routine was being broken, again. It made his uneasy.

"Hi Hyungwon, I'm so sorry about this, a family emergency came up and I'm going to have to cancel this week's appointment, again, I'm so sorry, please call me if you need anything in the meantime and..."

Hyungwon slowly pulled the phone away from his ear. He could hear the rest of the voicemail playing out in tinny sound waves too far from his ear to decipher. It was strange. Strange that he was disappointed, strange that he'd thought  that he could rely on someone, strange that he'd forgotten for a moment that he had no one.

He put the phone in his pocket, the weight somehow unfamiliar in his hand. He guessed...he should probably go home.

His routine was off.

sorry for all the short chapters in the beginning but they'll be getting longer soon