The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xxx.

Hyungwon is fourteen when he's sitting on a school bench by himself as all the other kids play in the yard. He can't bring himself to talk or play with any of the others anymore. He watches as they play in the yard, and he lingers in the classroom when school ends to watch as they all rush off to clubs. Sometimes he wants to join them, but Father says that the things he and Hyungwon do together are a secret that he can't tell anyone else.

The other day, they were in Hyungwon's room. Father stopped taking Hyungwon camping because he said they would be more comfortable at home and have more time together. And Hyungwon loves Father, he really does, and he knows Father loves him and cares about him, but he felt wrong yesterday. Father was taking pictures of him, and he knows Hyungwon doesn't like that because he feels very exposed. It's okay to be like that with Father because Father cares about Hyungwon, but he doesn't like being naked when Father takes photos because Hyungwon doesn't know who's going to see those photos.

But Father promised Hyungwon that nobody would see the photos but Father, and Hyungwon if he wanted. Hyungwon told Father that he didn't want to see them because he thought it would be strange. Like seeing himself on one of the magazines that Father had showed him when he was younger.

But Father told Hyungwon that he was very beautiful, and didn't Hyungwon want to see himself how Father saw him?

So Father showed him the photos of himself stretched out across the bed. But Hyungwon couldn't see the beauty that Father saw when he looked at them. Instead, he saw the scars, small ones across his body from when Father hadn't been gentle enough with him.

The photos upset him, so he asked Father to delete them. Father got angry with him, holding the camera away so Hyungwon couldn't reach it. He told Hyungwon that maybe he would leave, and then Hyungwon would be all alone and nobody would care about him, and would that make Hyungwon happy then?

The thought of living without Father expelled the breath from his lungs. Hyungwon got on his knees and apologized over and over again, saying Father could keep the pictures if he'd just stay with Hyungwon and not abandon him.

And Father crouched beside him and ran a hand up his chest and caressed his throat where some marks still laid. Father said he wasn't mad at Hyungwon, but Hyungwon would have to do something special for him in return.

Now Hyungwon is sitting on the bench, looking out at all the other kids. He wonders if they all have someone who cares about them as much as Father cares about Hyungwon, even if it's unpleasant for Hyungwon sometimes. Father says their occasional fights are just signs that they care about each other too much.

For just a moment, he lets himself imagine Father leaving him behind, and the pain is so acute and precise that he thinks for a second that it actually happened. But then he remembers that Father promised to stay with him, that Father will be waiting for him when he goes home, and he can breathe again.

It takes him a moment to notice that his view of the yard is blocked. Hyungwon looks up to see an unfamiliar boy looking down at him. Hyungwon doesn't say anything; he's confused and thinks it's best to just wait and see what happens.

"Hey," the boy says after a moment. "Can I sit on the bench?"

"Oh," Hyungwon says, moving over to his left to make room for the other. "Sure."

The boy sits down, and Hyungwon thinks that that's the end of the conversation, but apparently it's not because the boy asks for his name.

"I've never seen you around before, Hyungwon," the boy says after Hyungwon tells him.

"I go to school here," Hyungwon says after a minute as though the boy is contesting this fact.

"For how long?" the boy asks.

"Since the beginning of the year." Hyungwon doesn't understand these questions or why he's being asked them.

"We're supposedly in the same class, but how come I've never seen you?"

Hyungwon looks out across the yard, thinking about just ignoring the boy, but he answers anyway. "I don't know. I'm just quiet."

The two boys fall into a long gap of silence. Hyungwon watches the other kids. He doesn't know what the other boy is watching.

"I'm Jooheon," the other boy says, standing up from the bench and stretching before turning to face Hyungwon.

Hyungwon frowns because he doesn't understand why he needs to know this boy's name. "Why are you here?" Hyungwon asks, thinking that it would be much nicer if the boy left Hyungwon alone on the bench and went to play in the yard with the rest of their class instead.

"Because," Jooheon says, sticking his hands in his pockets and kicking at the dirt. He turns slightly so Hyungwon is only looking at his profile. "I thought you might need a friend. And I thought I might be just the guy."

--updated 07/21/20, part 1/3--