The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xlvi. [END]

--this chapter resumes the present tense!--

Hyungwon doesn't remember leaving his therapist's office, doesn't even remember what he's said and what secrets he's kept. None of that matters to him right now.

Hyungwon is running down the streets. He distantly hears a horn blare, but he doesn't slow until his feet find themselves on a familiar porch. Hyungwon takes several breaths and raises his hand to knock when the door swings open on its own and two small faces peer out at him.

Minjae and Minjun are taller than he remembers, and Hyungwon realizes that he hasn't seen them in a year at least. He just stares at them for a moment, happy that they're alive and that the graves had never been real.

"Hyungwon?" Minjae – Hyungwon is pretty sure of this – asks, tilting his head, and Minjun tilts his head the opposite way.

"Jooheon can't play. He isn't home," Minjun says.

"Oh," Hyungwon says, because this wasn't a possibility that he considered on his desperate dash over here. He feels stupid now because why the hell would Jooheon just be sitting in his room waiting for Hyungwon to come running back. Hyungwon is a fool. "Sorry...I'll just..."

He doesn't know what he'll just do, and he doesn't have to figure it out because Jooheon's mother comes to the door, the twins stepping behind her but still watching Hyungwon with unveiled curiosity.

"Hyungwon, is that you?" she asks, and Hyungwon takes half a step back because he's scared now that she knows, that she knows how defiled he is and how she's disgusted that she ever let him into her home and that the boys were right there and- "Hyungwon," she says again, taking a step through the doorway, and Hyungwon almost falls as he scrambles back.

"I'm sorry," he says, pulse racing. He doesn't even know what day, what month it is. Jooheon probably went off to college. "I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry-"

"Hyungwon, sweetie, come inside," Jooheon's mom says, concerned, and she holds open the door for him.

He hesitates before stepping inside gingerly as though he doesn't want to set his weight down in the house, as though he's scared that his presence will be rejected if he steps too heavily.

She leads him into the kitchen and shoves a cup into his hand – it's hot; probably tea or hot chocolate. He barely notices it. She tells him to just wait here for a second and she'll be right back.

Hyungwon is looking around the room. The memory of dinner with Jooheon's family is overwhelming, amplified by the fact that it's only recently been returned to him. He feels so at odds with the peaceful, bright environment. He doesn't belong. He shouldn't have come.

He stills as he hears Jooheon's mother speaking softly in the other room, and he sees a phone pressed to her ear. He's standing before he realizes he's even moved, and the tea – he knows this now – has spilled on the table. He's afraid because he doesn't know who she's calling, but none of the options seem good.

He's out of the house in just a few seconds, running past Minjae and Minjun, who stare at him in confusion before yelling goodbye.

--

He's been sitting on the bench for probably a few hours now. Dusk is just setting in, and he remembers with a sharp tug in his chest those first few camping trips when they'd just watched the stars, and that had been enough for both of them.

He only notices Jooheon sitting beside him when he feels the slight vibration across the bench, and he looks over and stares. He stretches out one hand and almost touches Jooheon's elbow before he pulls back. If this Jooheon isn't real, then he doesn't want to know.