The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xviii.

"I think it's great that you went to their club meeting again," his therapist told him, and he got the distinct impression that she was trying to resist clapping. "You're really putting yourself out there and taking more chances, Hyungwon. That's great progress."

"I guess," he said, rolling the ball of yarn from his left palm to his right and back. "I even had a sleepover with Jooheon on Friday," he added.

"Hyungwon, that's a really big step for you," she said, sounding shocked and maybe a little impressed. Hyungwon knew that she wasn't really his friend, that she was just paid to listen to him, but he still felt like she genuinely cared about him and was invested in his success. It made him a little happy to share things with her. "Can you tell me more about this Jooheon?"

Hyungwon shrugged, frowning as he realized that he didn't really know much about Jooheon at all, and it felt all of a sudden like Jooheon knew way too much about him. He didn't like being that exposed, especially when it didn't seem to go both ways. "I don't know much about him, just that he goes to my school and we have a class together. He's the one who invited me to the car crash club."

His therapist blinked, and Hyungwon realized that he'd never mentioned the club name all this time. "The what club?"

"Car crash club," Hyungwon said, looking down at the yarn because he felt awkward. He shouldn't have had to be the one to explain since he hadn't created the club, he'd just sat in on a few meetings. "There are some other kids who have been in car crashes, and they made a club – I don't really get why – but they all hang out and talk about their experience and stuff. Jooheon kind of understands because he got into a crash with his little brothers, and they...they died..."

"I'm sorry to hear that," his therapist said with complete sincerity despite her confusion. She shifted and switched legs, crossing her right over her left as she leaned back in her chair. "So you and Jooheon have become close?"

Hyungwon shrugged, playing with the yarn as usual while he tried to think of what to say. It was really starting to bother him that he knew almost nothing about the other. "I guess you could say that. It started with him dropping off school stuff, but then he invited me to their club, and he asked me to hang out and checks up on me every now and then. I think it's because he's worried that I'm not doing well."

His therapist studied him for a moment. "Do you think you're doing well, Hyungwon?"

Hyungwon looked up at her, and he remembered some of their past sessions, how angry he'd been, how much he'd been hurting, but now...he still had some of those feelings, but they weren't as acute as before. "I...think so...I've felt better in some ways, but I've also felt a little weird lately."

She frowned, but he knew that to be a cue of her interest in what he had to say. "Weird how? Can you describe it for me?"

"Just, I'll have moments where things don't make sense. It's not a big deal, but it just sort of feels off."

"Can you tell me about some of these incidences?"

Hyungwon described the ones he could remember. The urns, the graves, the restaurant. There had been a few other things, smaller issues he couldn't remember well, but as he continued describing recent events, he found himself becoming increasingly disconcerted. "Those are just a few."

Her frown deepened. "Well, those occurrences certainly sound odd, so I can see why you'd be concerned. But the human brain is a fascinating muscle. There are a lot of reasons why you might be experiencing these discrepancies; it could be something as simple as you not getting enough rest, or there may be an issue with conflicting medications. But tell you what, I'll do a little digging, research a few things about what you said, and we can talk about it next week. Until then, can you do me a favor?"

Hyungwon nodded.

"Any time you experience one of these incidents, I'd like you to record it. If you keep a journal, that would be a perfect place, or even just leaving yourself notes on your phone. Then next week, we can compare everything and try to figure out why you're experiencing these episodes. Does that sound like a plan?"

Hyungwon nodded again. Sometimes she gave him "assignments" – like homework for therapy – to complete for their next session. Stuff like coming up with a list of things he used to enjoy doing or writing one thing he was grateful for each day. Sometimes Hyungwon forgot to do them, but unlike in school where there were consequences, she just suggested that they work on it during their session.

Obviously, this couldn't be done during their time, so he made a mental note to himself to write down anything else that felt off.

"So you've told me about Jooheon, who else is in this club?" she asked, circling back to their earlier discussion to try and lighten things up and get Hyungwon talking again.

"Well, there's Minhyuk and Kihyun. They're always fighting with each other," Hyungwon said, picturing them in his mind. "Minhyuk is okay, he just has too much energy for me to handle. And Kihyun..." The image of Kihyun laughing himself out of his chair came to mind. "He's...interesting. He likes to make jokes, I guess. And he's got a few scars, probably from his crash."

She nodded, encouraging for him to go on.

"There's Hoseok and Changkyun. I don't know much about either of them because they're both sort of quiet. Hoseok just goes along with everyone else, but Changkyun is a new member like me." Hyungwon gave a small smile. "There's also Hyunwoo. I guess his girlfriend died in his crash. He's pretty nice, and quiet."

"And they've all been in car crashes, too?" she asked.

"Changkyun just got in a fender bender, but the rest of them yeah. Want me to give them your card?" Hyungwon asked, and she froze up for a second because Hyungwon so rarely made jokes during their sessions.

But she gave a small chuckle before shaking her head in disbelief. "Very funny Mister."

Hyungwon gave a small, guilty smile. He was as surprised with himself as she was; he must have been getting more comfortable. Maybe it had something to do with Jooheon and the club. "That's everyone. Plus me and Jooheon, if you count me. I'm not really a member, I just sort of show up."

"Why aren't you a member?"

Hyungwon shrugged, looking down. "I just don't want to commit to anything right now."

"Do you think it's because you're scared of losing them somehow?" she asked, and Hyungwon tilted his head, thinking it over.

"Maybe," he answered honestly. It made sense to him from an objective standpoint. "Or maybe I just don't want to accept that I'm one of them. A victim. I still feel this guilt," he said, clutching at his chest, and the fabric of his shirt shifted beneath his fingers, forming ridges and valleys. "And sometimes I think that I'm not allowed to move past that. That to make friends, to join this club...that I'd be replacing my family, which I know I can't do. And that accepting myself as a victim would be like absolving myself of guilt, which I can't do either."

"But you have friends from before the accident, don't you? Do you feel the same guilt with them?"

Hyungwon shook his head.

"You don't feel the guilt?"

"No, I don't have friends from before the accident," he said, looking up at her to read her reaction. She looked surprised, but she was quick to hide it.

"Did you not get along with your classmates?" she asked, and Hyungwon frowned, trying to recall exactly why he hadn't had close friends. He couldn't remember; his recall felt fuzzy at best. All he could do was come up with statements, but he had nothing to support them.

"I don't really remember. I was probably just too quiet to get to know people."

She nodded slowly as though trying to figure out whether to press further, but she just gave a final nod and glanced at the clock. "It's just about four. How about we stop here for today, and you can bring back the list we mentioned earlier for next week."

Hyungwon nodded and left, his mind uneasy.

--updated 06/09/20 (mm/dd/yy)--