The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xlii.

Hyungwon is sitting in the counselor's room, trying not to shake. He's been called down from class without an explanation. He tries to reassure himself that the visit is routine, that every student gets called down once, but he knows this is not the case.

"Hyungwon? Is everything all right?" the counselor asks. She has all the physical markings of a nice person – a light spattering of freckles, bright but concerned eyes, a friendly smile, even a picture of a dog on her desk – but Hyungwon knows that right now, she is his enemy.

"Everything is fine," Hyungwon responds. He knows he needs to walk a fine line; he can't reveal anything that would make her look into him further, but he can't be too defensive for the same reason. "Is something the matter?"

The counselor frowns and leans in over the desk that separates them. Hyungwon's breathing quickens; he's afraid that she's going to reach out and touch his shoulder or hand. But she doesn't. She leaves her hands crossed in front of her and speaks in a gentle voice. "Hyungwon, you know you can tell me anything, okay? Everything we talk about is strictly confidential. I'm here to help you. Do you believe me?"

"I believe you," Hyungwon says because he knows that's what he's supposed to say. And it's not that he thinks she's lying, not on purpose anyway. He can tell that she's worried about him, but he knows that "confidential" will only last until she knows what's wrong, and then she'll have to take action and tell others.

And then everyone will know how abhorrent and filthy Hyungwon is. They'll say he asked for it, that he wanted special attention. That he's disgusting and can they believe that it was with his father? How could anyone live with themselves after that? How sickening, revolting...

"Well, Hyungwon? You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

Hyungwon can hear their words in his ears, and he knows that it will be like when the photo of him was circulating, only worse, because his head won't be cropped out this time.

He imagines Jooheon looking at him, the appalling moment of realization as he comes to find out exactly what his friend is.

And lastly, he pictures Mi-Yeon, the confused look on her face as her father is taken away by police and her brother is taken away by whoever will deal with him. Who is in charge of fixing people like him anyway? Can someone like him ever be fixed?

"Nothing's been bothering me," Hyungwon tells the counselor, and then for good measure, he adds in, "I mean, my stomach has been upset for a few days, but I think I got food poisoning on Saturday. I've been feeling a lot better today, though." A small lie to hide a big lie.

The counselor leaned back and smiled, concerns seemingly offset for the moment. "Well, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Hyungwon."

He nods and thinks he's finally in the clear.

"I'll have to call your parents just to let them know I saw you today – it's a policy, I'm afraid – but don't worry, I won't tell them about what we discussed."

Hyungwon freezes up, but he knows that he can't ask her not to call without providing justification, which he can't do. He forces himself to nod, trying to keep his mind in the present instead of speculating what he'll go home to.

"And Hyungwon? I'm sorry to have called you down here today for nothing, but I think you should be proud to know that you have such a concerned friend," the counselor says.

And that gets Hyungwon. His hand twitches. The knife in his back seems to stab into his lungs, and each breath he draws in stings. He doesn't want to believe it, but no matter how he does the math, it always comes out to the same unfortunate answer. "Right. Thanks again for checking," Hyungwon says with a fake smile that takes altogether too much energy to conjure up, and then he's out of her office and trying just to get a good breath in but it feels like he can't breathe at all.

--

Hyungwon is waiting for Jooheon at the park bench. Jooheon sits down next to him, a little jumpy, and Hyungwon doesn't bother to wait before he sets into him.

Hyungwon wants to kick and punch and scrape at the boy beside him, but he can't have anyone questioning Jooheon about it and connecting him to the injuries. The counselor would get suspicious, Hyungwon would wind up back in her office, and he wouldn't be able to get out so easily next time.

All Hyungwon can do is hurt Jooheon with his words, and so he does. "The fuck were you thinking?" Hyungwon asks Jooheon, and he doesn't have to fake the hurt in his eyes. Hyungwon feels betrayed, almost as severely as when Father had dropped his act of caring about Hyungwon.

"Hyungwon-"

"No," Hyungwon says. He's furious, and it's a new feeling for him, being on the dominant side of anger. He wants to stand up, wants to pace, but he stays sitting down, grinding his hands against each other, his knuckles refusing to yield under his harsh grip. "I specifically told you to mind your own fucking business. I thought I was pretty fucking clear on that. And then you go behind my back and-" Hyungwon has to pause to swallow a breath; he hasn't been able to breathe fully since leaving her office. He's panicked and scared, and today it is Jooheon who has caused his fear. Another betrayal. "-and you report me to the school counselor?"

"Hyungwon, I can explain, I-"

"There is no explanation that would make this okay," Hyungwon says. He sees the fear in Jooheon's eyes. The fear is familiar because that's how Hyungwon looks at Father; he's not becoming like Father now, is he? Hyungwon closes his eyes for a second, trying to banish that monstrous thought to some faraway corner of his mind, and he takes as much of a breath as he can before continuing. He's had an hour to think about these words. "I have appreciated our friendship," Hyungwon says, squeezing his hands together. His eyes flick open and meet Jooheon's. "But it's over."

Hyungwon stands up, but Jooheon steps into his path, his face distorted in anguish. "Wait, Hyungwon, I'm sorry, okay? I just- you're my friend, and I can't- I can't just let you-"

"You're not my fucking friend," Hyungwon spits out, feeling his anger resurface, and he has to clench his hands to stop himself from hitting Jooheon.

"Wait, Hyungwon-"

Hyungwon brushes past Jooheon, and the separation is complete.

They are no longer friends.

--updated 08/17/20, part 1/5--