The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xxxv.

Life for Hyungwon becomes Hell. He sometimes wonders if he should have never said anything to Father, if they could have just continued on like they had been. Because even though some things are the same, the realization that everything is horribly wrong has seeped into his mind to stain every memory, even the good ones, because now he wonders if it was all just to manipulate Hyungwon into being pliant to Father's wishes.

The other thing that's different is that Father is rarely warm towards him anymore. He no longer tells Hyungwon that he's a good boy or that he's special. He only approaches Hyungwon when he needs something, and if Hyungwon doesn't comply, then Father threatens him in order to get it.

Hyungwon soon finds out that Father took pictures of him after that first horrible Wednesday, and he tells Hyungwon that he'll share the photos with others if Hyungwon doesn't do as he's told. And so what choice does Hyungwon have?

One time, Father threatens him, and Hyungwon is feeling so tired and broken-down that he says he doesn't care. Share the photos, it doesn't matter. He tells Father that he'll tell people what's happening, that he'll tell his teacher or the counselor and then everything will be over. And Father tells him that no one will believe him, that everyone will think he's dirty and worthless and unclean. That if he tells anyone, maybe – maybe - Father will be held responsible - if anyone believes Hyungwon - but that Hyungwon will be ruined irreparably.

Father leaves Hyungwon after telling him this, and Hyungwon thinks that he's won for today.

But then something happens in school the next week. There's a photo going around, and soon, everyone has seen it and saved it on their phones. The head has been cropped out of the picture so nobody can tell who it is, but the picture is of a naked boy, his body on full display. It's not the picture from the Wednesday but one of the ones from a while back, when Father had convinced Hyungwon to pose for the camera so Father could have special photos of Hyungwon for just himself to look at.

Hyungwon doesn't know how Father spread the photo to his school. He spends the day curled over in a bathroom stall, his stomach riddled with such anxiety that he feels he'll throw up any second. No one knows it's him in the picture, and no one will suspect him because no one knows him. But his humiliation is complete and devastating. Not only has Father shown him that he cannot win, but now everyone has unknowingly seen him in the most intimate of ways. Father has made a mockery out of his vulnerability, and it is this that hurts the most.

He's terrified of changing in gym in case someone recognizes him. He further distances himself from others, even avoiding Jooheon for several weeks.

And all the while, he hears what people say about him, although they don't know it's him they're talking about. Horrible things. Dirty things. And Hyungwon knows, with a sickening twist in his stomach, that Father was right and will always be right. He's disgusting, unclean, impure, and even if he tells someone, they won't believe him.

--updated 07/28/20, part 3/3--