The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

x.

Since it was already Thursday, Hyungwon didn't feel like there was much point in showing up to class on Friday when he'd already missed the whole week, so he stayed home. But he started taking his medication again and actually made a small meal or two, so there was a noticeable difference from before.

He'd left his phone on, too. He usually turned it off to avoid having to deal with anyone, but he'd decided to leave it on for some reason. He still watched calls come in and ignored them, letting them head straight to voicemail, but it was improvement, maybe.

He didn't care about all the missed calls from the insurance agency, but he did feel a little bit bad about the several missed calls from his therapist. Hyungwon decided to call her, but then he felt awkward because he didn't know if she had another client. He waited until 5:30 - hopefully after she was done working - and then he was about to call when he suddenly realized that he'd be calling her when she was off work and didn't need to put up with him. He debated back and forth about which was worse - bothering her during her free time or bothering her when she was with a client on Monday - and when his finger accidentally hit the call button, he tensed before putting the phone up to his ear, the decision apparently made.

"Hyungwon? Is that you?" she answered just after the first ring had stopped, almost like she'd been waiting at the phone.

He felt bad, again. "Hi," he said shortly, not really sure what to say now that she was on the line.

But he really didn't need to worry because she lead the conversation. "I felt so bad last week when I had to cancel our appointment, and then I got really worried when you didn't make the appointment yesterday. Are you doing all right? Is everything okay?"

Hyungwon didn't really know how to answer that because of course everything wasn't okay, it hadn't been okay in a long time and he didn't expect to ever experience what "okay" felt like again. He felt an odd longing for the ball of yarn that she kept in her office. Even though she couldn't see him, he felt a nervous energy that needed his hands to be kept occupied. "I'm sorry I didn't come yesterday."

"Don't worry about it," she said before hesitating. "Can you tell me why you didn't come though?"

Again, Hyungwon was unsure of how to answer. "I wasn't feeling well," he finally decided on because it was at least partially truthful.

"Are you feeling better now?"

"I think so," he answered without really giving it much thought. He was awake and lucid, which was more than he could've said for himself two days ago, so that was a start at least.

"Well, we didn't have a chance to talk this week, but how is your project of getting socially involved going?"

Hyungwon winced because he'd conveniently forgotten that they'd talked about doing so and since he'd done exactly the opposite. "It's... a work in progress." He suddenly remembered the slip of paper on the counter and realized that it technically counted. "I got someone's number."

"That's great!" she responded, and Hyungwon sighed in relief that he was able to present enough evidence of progress for her to drop the subject, but of course things couldn't be that easy. "And? Have you called the number? Or texted this person? Or however you guys arranged to communicate?"

"Um, no. I wasn't really planning on it," Hyungwon admitted, staring up at the ceiling as though it would provide an escape for him.

"Well that's your next step then!" she encouraged, and Hyungwon groaned, falling back onto the couch and sinking into the cushions.

"But- he's really busy," Hyungwon said, trying to come up with any and every possible excuse. He knew he could always just lie to his therapist and say he'd done it, but he didn't particularly like lying, and he wasn't great at it anyway. "And we barely know each other. We just have a class together. And he only stopped by because the teacher forced him to. There's no point in contacting him. We don't even have anything to talk about." His scars burned as a reminder that they did indeed have something in common, but it was nothing Hyungwon wanted to acknowledge.

"All right," she said, her voice gentle, and even though they weren't meeting physically, he could sense her backing away from the topic. "I can tell you're a bit resistant to the idea, so don't worry about doing it right away, but I'd encourage you to think it over. This person doesn't have to be your new forever friend, but it might be good to have someone to talk that's your peer. Can you promise me that you'll at least think about it, Hyungwon?"

He sighed. He didn't like making promises, but at least this one was easy. "Okay, I'll think about it." He didn't have to lie. He would think about it, but thinking about it wouldn't change anything. He didn't need Jooheon, and he wouldn't use the number.

--

Two days later, he was staring down at the sheet of paper with a deep frown. When he'd washed the dishes on Thursday, some droplets of water had gotten onto the slip. Now ones and sevens were indistinguishable from each other, similarly with fours and nines.

He groaned and crumpled up the now meaningless piece of paper, intent on tossing it in the trash, but he found he wasn't able to. It was stupid and disgustingly sentimental of him, but he found his hand curling tighter around the paper as though it didn't want to let go of it just yet. He slipped the ruined paper into his pocket.

Of course, it didn't really matter at all anyway. He hadn't been about to actually use the number. He didn't know why he'd even gone looking for it when he didn't need anyone else interfering in his life. Jooheon didn't care about him. He had only been acting on a misplaced sense of obligation and pity, neither of which Hyungwon wanted to be the recipient.

Hyungwon was going to be okay, or he wasn't, all on his own. By himself. Because that was reality now, even if Hyungwon was struggling to adjust to it. He didn't need this stranger entering into his life like an invasive species.

But when he asked himself why he'd looked for the paper in the first place, he had no answer.