Pain love same game

Confession (11)

I haven't spoken to Jacob for two months, he was supposed to apologize but never did even though I came back to Church for Joseph's sake.

This is the day of the confession Joseph has invited me to the church. I'm kind of excited to tell my story and learn my sins but also scared because I have been committing a sin lately and it's a sin that can take over your body.

Lust ever since Jacob told me he wants us to be 'friends with benefits' I have been horny lately, pleasuring my self thinking about Jacob in a way I shouldn't. I'm still mad at him in all for saying it, but once he said it something inside me broke free, lust. For him.

I'm not scared to tell him my one of my sins is lust, I just feel like he will be disappointed even after the baptism that I committed two deadly sins. I feel like he will judge me and tell Jacob what I do while thinking about him. But confessions are private and only you and the father should know about it and not tell anyone. It's the catholic law.

But I'll worry about it later, I just need to come clean and tell him everything.

I took my moms car to the church since she was staying home from work today, and I didn't want to bother Joseph while he was setting up the confession. This was the first time in a while I drove somewhere, since I usually just get picked up. Kind of feels weird to be honest.

When I reached the compound I saw nobody there so I just decided to park and walk to the church. As I made my way to the church I knocked on the double doors and I heard someone on the other side say 'come in' so i did. I walked in and I looked for Joseph "hello"
"Yes, just wait a minute" I heard someone say from behind the podium.

So I decided to wait by sitting down on the benches. I just looked at the ground for a few minutes. "Oh there you are" I looked up from the ground to see Joseph holding a book of Joseph. "Sorry I was just trying to find my copy, ok this is for you to keep please read it. It's tells you everything you need to know about I my siblings and the project. But if my book doesn't answer your question you can always ask me." "Oh, thanks. I will definitely read this" he then sat down next to me and held his hands out for me to grab them and I did. "Ok my child, let's begin your confession".

" Well um let's start from the beginning, I was born in France with my dad and mother. My dad was rather abusive towards me and my mother. He's lash out when he had a hard day at his job, or when he's drunk. My dad had a hard life to he was sent into the military when he was seventeen, was diagnosed with PTSD, and had gone deaf. But he still didn't let that stop him from hurting my mother and I" tears were starting to brim out of the corner of my eye, but I wiped it away. And started to talk again.
" One day my mother was tired of abusive sex with my dad, she left the house to go to work. And my dad was home, he was acting strange with me getting a little to close to me, being touchy. I asked him to stop but he wouldn't, I pushed him away and he had enough of it. So he grabbed me by my fragile wrist and took me into his bedroom and well....." I stopped trying to stop myself from crying thinking about these terrible memories.
"He raped me,....... twice" I looked at Joseph and he looked at me saddened by what he was hearing.
" well when me mom got home I told her, since she was the only one who actually got me. And we decided to try and find evidence for all of this. We were done with all the abuse, and sadness he cause us." Rage was starting to get to me and I started to squeeze my hands toget her my nails digging into the palm of my hand. " The next day we told the cops, and they found evidence of abuse and rape. They went to my dads work and charged it for it, and we never saw him again we were the happiest." All that rage went away, I stopped digging my nails into my palm. I looked down at my palm to see blood starting to form form my nails digging so hard into my skin. Joseph looked down to see that to, and he figured out that one of my sins is definitely wrath.

" My mother and I decided it was best to move as far away from my dad as possible. So we moved here, hope county, Montana". I didn't want to tell Joseph everything, so I lied that we just moved here instead of moving to Atlanta Georgia first, and then we moved here.

"But once we moved here everything went downhill for me." He looked at me considered that it was his fault that this happened to her. "At first, I fell in love with John your younger brother, I let my wrath take over me by hurting myself" Joseph was starting of in the distance, but when I said 'hurting myself' he looked me straight in the eyes like, ' you hurt yourself more than once'.
" Then I got over that, but I and Jacob started to bond and he broke my heart by saying what he said. And I let my wrath take over me as well then" after I said wrath under my breath I said lust as well. And when I thought he didn't here me, he did." lust?"
" Oh well it's no big deal" I exclaimed kind of shyly.
" My child lust is a compelling sin, and a bad sins to commit. Why and who did you commit this sin to?"
" Well, I'm embarrassed to say that it was to Jacob, after he said I and him should just have a 'friends with benefits' things. I was still angry with him, but one day I felt like I was overreacting and was thinking about him and just.......got.... very.... horny....for some weird reason. And started to....ummmm....pleasuring myself to him thinking about him while doing it. And I knew it was a sins but I just couldn't stop, I know I've committed a lot of sins but it just hard to stop." Joseph was disappointed in me for commuting this many sins, but he understood it's hard to let sins not consume you.

"My child I am disappointed in you, but we're all human we all commit sins, but we shall atone for them. So they can be revealed in the eyes of God himself. I am happy that you told me this though, it's makes atoning easier for both of us"

I noticed Joseph moving a little bit closer to me after I said lust was a sin of mine, he was moving slow so I wouldn't notice he was doing this until he was close enough to me. So I had to say something, " um Joseph...." " shhh, my child"

He moved his hand in between my legs touching me in places I didn't want him to. And moved my hair away from my neck so he could kiss me there.

Joseph is my priest, the father. This shouldn't be happening between us. I don't want him to be my first I want Jacob to be my first. I have to stop this from happening.

I pushed him away, and looked him in the eyes.   "Joseph I can't do this, I can't have sex with you. I've never had sex before and I want Jacob to be my first, but not in a sinful way in a way that he loves me and I love him. And we are just showing each other we love each other."

"No need to be sorry my child, that was test of your lust, you passed. You showed me that lust is not one of your sins, you didn't pleasure yourself in a lustful way, just in a loving way. You love my brother dearly, and you want him to show you the same thing"

Joseph and I talked for awhile about how I could get Jacob to fall I love with me and only me, because I need him in my life.

He also carved my sin and only sin into my skin, he told me to let it fill me so I can let it all free from my body and soul.

I was actually pretty happy that I only had one sin, then I only had to deal with one. And Joseph showed me that I don't lust for Jacob, I love him.

So I decided that next sermon I'm gonna talk to Jacob and try to get him to fall in live with me. It will work. I sure hope so.

Hope you guys are liking it, even though only one person has read my story. But it's fine I like writing and that's the only thing that matters.