Pain love same game

Distance (10)

Ever since I got home I haven't been eating I've been up in my room,  my mom, and joseph have been worried about me, joseph came over a few times and called to check up since I haven't been going to the sermons for a week now. I've been to depressed to even get up, the only reasons I got up is to get a shower a few times just standing in the warm running water. Jacob really made these few weeks hell he hasn't called to see if I'm fine not even coming over, I really have fucked up falling in love with this dub ass.

 I don't even know him that well, I just feel like we are meant to be somehow, or its just me thinking that he will change his mind about me and fall in love. Its just a dream though no one has ever loved me only my mom, not even my ex boyfriends they always just broke up with me. I fall in love so easily I'm just an easy target I guess.

As I was about to get up to go get in another shower I heard a knock on my door, I just looked at the door and just ignored it and started to walk to my bathroom. But then I heard a voice that was raspy and sounded familiar and I could tell it was, Jacob. I still didn't answer it, I had cuts all over my arms and didn't want him to see me like this. And then I heard another voice that also sounded familiar, Joseph.

 I was about to unlock the door, but I remember that he'd see my cuts and be disappointed in me for doing that to my body. I was to much in my trance that I didn't hear or see my door being unlocked from the outside and my door being open. The thing that broke me out of my trance was joseph when he saw my cuts.

"My child what are those, did you do that to your self. I'm very disappointed  in you for doing that to yourself, such sin. And even after you've been baptized" I could feel his glare burning though my skin, he was shaking his head in disbelief. I even looked down ashamed he saw me like this. "Not to be disrespectful Joseph but you wouldn't understand why I do this to myself, I'm not a bright person, depressed, major PTSD, and severe anxiety. And you would understand how to live with all this, I'm messed up I know that much. You expect me to be perfect but I'm not, and I never will be, And your brother made me even more depressed, saying ' we could have a friends with benefits thing'  the hell I want more than just that. I'm not some slut who will just give my body away like that, and I bet he thinks I am. I don't know what to do anymore."

 I suddenly fell on the ground crying my eyes out. Joseph came over to me to try and calm me down, I did help a little since I felt safe with him.

"Who did that to you, was it Jacob or John who did that?" Even though he knew who I was talking about he still wanted to confirm it. "Jacob, he broke my heart" Joseph glared at Jacob and he just rolled his eyes at him walking out of the room. " I'll be right back my child, just get yourself cleaned up a bit" I got up to sit on my bed and get cleaned up fixing my hair and clothes. Joseph smiled at me and walked out of my room shutting the door on the way out.

 I went over to window and opened it up so I could get some fresh air. I saw Jacob walk out of my house with Joseph following behind. I could kind of hear what they were saying but not very clear. The only thing I could hear was, ' why, apologize, distance, come back'. All Jacob did was roll his eyes and get in his car to leave. And joseph just shock his head and walked back to the house. 

I turned around when I heard my door open and shut, " My child I'm sorry for my brothers action, he's not one for apologizing. I will promise you he will change his act and be more kind towards you.

 For now I just want to ask you something if you don't mind me asking, why do you like me brother?" I looked surprised at why he was asking this question and just answered with a quick I don't know. " You must know, I know you know. I can maybe help you with him, since he's my brother. You guys would be amazing together and he needs someone in his life to make him happy" I thought about what I was going to say, joseph looked at me for awhile wanting to hear an answer but not forcing one out of me.

 " Um, I guess it since he took me hunting and we have stuff in common, and I kind of go for the older guys I guess, I'm only twenty-two so yea. He can also be sweet to me, he has a different act a lot of the times. He can be a tough guy one time and just a sweet caring guy another time, I also saw him looking at me differently while going hunting together" I kind of actually feel better saying why I like him, like I'm free from the prison of love. I also feel relived that I told this to joseph instead of Jacob or John, Joseph just makes me feel safe inside. 

But Jacob makes me feel like I'm whole again, and I want him and no one else but him. I want him to accept my feeling and love for him. But I still can't forgive him for what he said to me, I just need some distance for awhile.

Joseph and I talked for awhile and when I say awhile I mean awhile. We talked for 5 hours just about my life and how I got all this stuff going on with me , and we decided it was best if he did the confession instead of john, so he can help me out with this depression. He left around 10:00. 

So we picked a date best for the confession, john wasn't happy about it since he really wanted to her my confession. And he was excited about it wanting to hear every little detail about my life. But its just the way it is and Joseph said he's gonna have to deal with it.  

This chapter wasn't long like I wanted it to be so I'm gonna make the next chapter longer, the next chapter is the confession and a little bit of sexual content so if you don't like that you can skip over that part. Hope your still enjoying the story though, make sure to comment some suggestions.