There is obviously some triggers in this one so read at your own risk!
Tonight was the night I was gonna do it. I hate that people care about me. I hate how much I hurt others. I just want to go, I want to leave.
I already have been anorexic and self harming for years and I couldn't bare the pain anymore. All I felt was numbness.
I knew Ashton really cared for me but I just feel like I'm holding him back, he's pursuing his dream but I'm really a burden on his life. I've just been holding him down so I can try and be happy.
I had already wrote my suicide note in the middle of the night so that I could do it tonight.
The note read:
Dear Ash,
You need to know that this isn't because of you. It's because of me. I'm too weak to even take a small hit. It's constant like every day insults, punches and shit are just hurled at me. I' just want you to be happy and pursue your dreams without me, I'm a burden. You can't continue with me still here. I know that if I still live, I'll be depressed and suicidal everyday and you'll care too much about me and not your dream of being in a band with the boys. It hurts too much but I know when I'm gone, all that pain will be gone.
I know you will feel hurt, betrayed and angered but you need to push through for me. Not just you either, the boys, Harry, Lauren and mum.
Goodbye Ash, I love you so much and never forget that,
Love form Y/N xx
I laid the note In my bag for tonight.
I herd a small soft knock on my door instantly knowing that it was Ashton.
"Come in." I muttered hiding my bag behind my bed.
"Hey babe, are-are you ok?" He asked sitting next to me.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I questioned as he sighed.
"You've just not came out of your room in a while. You didn't even come with me and the boys go have dinner or anything last night. I just thought that you might be down or something." He said whilst looking at me.
"I'm fine, just got a few little tests in school that's all. Just been studying a lot." I lied faking a small giggle.
"As long as you're ok babe. Can you hang out with me and the boys for a bit?"
I just looked at my hands and sighed. He obviously didn't want me here.
"Ashton, i-i don't know." I sighed.
He pouted like a child making a small giggle escape my lips.
"Pwease?" He muttered in a child's voice.
I sighed and nodded, standing up slowly as he did the same.
We walked downstairs to see the boys all waiting on the couch for us.
"Oh so she did come out." Calum teased, lightly punching my shoulder.
"Ugh shut up!" I whined making him chuckle slightly.
"What's been keeping you up there all day then?" Michael asked as I sat next to him.
I obviously couldn't say I was suicidal and depressed so I chose to lie.
"Just an ass tonne of studying." I lied.
"You need to hang with us more!" Luke whined, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me into him.
"I will once my studying is done." I exclaimed wriggling out of his arms.
"Hey, take a chill pill. Take a break from studying Y/N, it's so easy to get stressed about it." Calum stated.
"I guess." I mumbled, slumping on the couch.
No matter how much I try to be happy. I just can't. It's such a task to even get out of bed or to do simple looking things at all. I just couldn't think of a reason I should be cared about. I feltt o numb all the time.
"Hey Babe, do you want to watch some films or something?" Ash asked snapping me back into reality.
"Sure."
hours passed and we binged some films until it hit dinner time. We ordered pizza but I didn't want to. I hated my self because of how fat I was.
"Y/N you need to eat something." Luke said softly.
"I'm not hungry." I muttered, playing with my sleeve.
"Y/N, you haven't ate at all today. Just two slices." Ashton exclaimed, pushing a plate towards me.
"I'm not hungry." I said, louder than the last time.
"That's a lie. Please eat something." Ash sternly exclaimed.
"I said I'm not fucking hungry!" I snapped, standing up from my seat.
"Don't use that tone on me!" Ashton snapped back as I rushed out of the dining room.
I ran into my room and slammed the door shut. I took my bag out from behind my bed and took a butterfly knife out of my bag along with the note.
"It's now or never." I mumbled as tears pooled out of my eyes.
I put the note outside of my bathroom door and shut the bathroom door, locking it as I looked at the knife in my hand.
I herd thundering footsteps run up the stairs making the tears fall faster. I herd my door fling open making me panic as I looked at the shining blade in my hands.
I herd a ear piercing scream and instantly knew it was Ashton
"Y/N! Open this door now!" I herd Ashton shout.
I remained quiet and took shaky breaths as I looked at myself in my mirror. My thoughts were clouded by the pounding on the door.
"Y/N! P-please! Please don't!" Ashton screamed, his voice cracking.
I held the knife to my chest and sighed as the blade shook in my hands.
"Baby please! P-please don't do-do this! P-please!" He screamed ramming the door.
The frame shook back and forth as he continued to ram it down.
"A-Ashton. I'm-im sorry." I hiccuped as I moved the blade closer to my chest.
Finally the door gave way and Ashton ran right to me. He grabbed the blade out of my hand and threw it away.
I looked at him to see a stream of tears rolling down his cheek.
"B-baby, d,don't do this. P-please, I-I can't lose y-you." He cried out, holding me in his arms.
"A-ash please. Please let- let me. It-it hurts so s-so bad." I cried, trying to push him away.
"B-baby please. Please l-let me help. I-I'll be here every step, o-ok? Just please baby. Do-Dont feel like suicide is-is the way." He whimpered, running a hand through my hair.
"Ashton please. I-I can't. I'm broken, unwanted, a lier. H-how can you l-love me? I-I'm the shittiest sister ever. I-I'm only holding you back f-from teaching your dreams." I mumbled as he gently picked me up.
"No-no baby. You aren't shit ok? You're the best sister, friend and companion I could ever wish for. I'm never going to leave you, ok? Never fucking ever." He exclaimed, holding me to his chest as he sat on my bed.
"It hurts ash. Everything hursts." I cried as he rocked me back and forth.
"I know baby, it's gonna get better. Please trust me. Please."
"Of-of corse I trust you."
