Chamber by Chamber // Snowbaz

Laying Into Love

COC #29: Firsts

So many 'firsts' for the boys as Simon stays at Baz's flat for the first time.

~ Originally it was just going to be the first time Simon spent the night at Baz's flat. Then it kind of took a turn and now it's like four firsts in one. But I'm glad I changed it- it's much better now. Enjoy! ~

"Alright, tosser. I s'pose I better get going," I say, slowly slipping my shoes on. I've been in Baz's flat all day. We've just been watching movies and snogging. (I couldn't snog him for a long bit. I've been getting a bit better.) But now, after being here all day, being that it's bloody 11 o'clock at night, I figured I should head out. (When did it get so late?) Baz is looking at me like he wants to say something. Once I've got my things on, I walk over into his open arms and cling there for a moment. (Please, please ask me to stay.) His arms are so comforting and warming around my back. The feeling never gets old, even though I've been wrapped in him all day.

He mutters something into my hair (wanker is still fucking taller than me. And doesn't he know it), but I can't decipher his muffled words. I step away from his arms and say, "What'd you say?" He looks down and blushes (he fed just an hour ago), looking awkward.

"I, erm-" He never stutters - not even when he's nervous - so by extension, it's making me nervous. "Or you could stay?" It's phrased like a question. Part of me wanted him to plead it; for him to tell me 'stay'. But with all of my mental... things, I know he'd never demand or push. Mostly, I'm thankful. (I also wish people would stop acting like I'll break.) (And so what if I do?) But thinking about staying with him- insinuating that we would do things, I start getting anxious. He widens his eyes and blushes harder. "Not to... do anything. Just- it's late, and I just thought maybe you'd like to spend the night for once. You don't have to, of course, it's just-" He's adorable when he rambles.

I cut him off, relieved that he said we didn't have to do anything. (I wish I could get my fucking shit together so we could do things. Merlin knows there are things I'd like to do to him. For him to do to me. I just... can't, yet.) "Okay." He stops in the middle of his sentence. The tension around his eyes relieves a bit and he smiles his soft smile- the one he saves for me.

"Okay?"

"Yeah. I could sleep on the couch or-"

"-or you could sleep in the bed? With me? Not to do anything, I just," He cuts off his own words. It's hard for us, sometimes. To talk. To share what we feel. (We both know fuck-all about communicating. We're better, but. It's still hard.) "I'd just like it if you did." I can feel a yawn rising in the back of my throat, and I'm too bloody tired to feel particularly worried about being in the same bed as him. I know he won't do anything; I trust him. So I nod my head and take off my shoes and jacket. He lends me a pair of pyjamas (that smell perfectly like him. The smell itself nearly gives me a right hard-on.)

Soon, we're both dressed and under the covers in his bed. It's like being enveloped in Baz himself. His sheets are so soft against my ankles, and there's plenty of room for us to be on opposite sides of the bed while still being comfortable. But... I don't really want to be on opposite sides of the bed, even if there is enough room. I know he's just trying to respect my boundaries, and that's lovely, and it is the first time we're sharing a bed, but. Well. I think I can do a bit more. We cuddle on the couch, after all. This isn't much different.

I can feel his cold nearly against my back as I scoot a bit closer, even though we're still facing opposite sides. I let my hand fall in the space between us, wondering if he'll notice and grab it. (Of course he'll notice. He's a vampire. It's just a matter of if he's willing to take it.) (Maybe he's repulsed by you, the small voice in my mind whispers. I tell it to fuck off. Just for once, I'd like to touch and hold my boyfriend without losing control. Just once.)

My prayers are answered as I feel his hand fall into mine. I lace my fingers into his to tell him it's okay. And then I scoot a bit closer. I just wish he'd roll over, so I could, too. (Why won't he roll over?) Maybe I'll roll over, first. (He's always the one to start things- not that I mind, since he always asks if it's okay first. Maybe I'll jumpstart this one.) Sleeping in the same bed with him is a first. Hell, sleeping over at his flat is a first, too. A lot of firsts tonight. We can add one more; the first time I start something. I'm going to roll over. (I swear I'm going to- I just need to take a breath first. And then make sure the voice stays gone for the time being. Then I will. I will, I will, I will.)

When I finally turn, I see that he's already facing me, eyes open. Like he was watching me. Which I s'pose is fine, if not a little creepy. (Then again, he watched me when we were in Watford, too. Guess I did, as well, if I'm honest.) I look into his eyes now, seeing nothing but patience in them. (A large juxtaposition to the old Baz who told me to piss off whenever he got the chance.) He tugs me a little closer, and I oblige. My heart constricts out of... something. (Fear, love, anxiousness- I've no bloody clue.) But whatever it is is making me feel a bit crackers, so I take a deep breath and lean into the feeling. Tell myself that it's alright to feel like this. That I'm on the arms of someone who I care about - who cares about me - very much. I'm safe in his arms, and he's not going anywhere. He arches a perfect brow.

"Is this okay?" He whispers. I smile back and nod me head. He doesn't look convinced, though, so I get even closer and nudge his nose with mine. (I love his crooked nose. It reminds me that even through all of the bad stuff in the past, he's still choosing to be with me. His terrible boyfriend.) I lace our legs together too, for emphasis. He smiles a bit and exhales. (From release, I'd suppose.) (I hate that my boyfriend thinks he needs permission to touch me. Just fucking touch me like I'm not broken.) (I am broken, and I s'pose it's good that he touches me like it. I just... I guess I just wish I wasn't so he wouldn't have to.)

We're laying with our arms wrapped around each other, my head on his chest and his face in my hair. We're like this for a long while, and just as I'm starting to fall asleep, Baz says something. "Hey Simon?" He whispers. I mumble in response so he knows I'm listening. He's quiet for a long time, and at first I think he's fallen asleep. Then he says, "I love you," and suddenly I'm thinking a lot of things. "You don't have to say anything. I know that you probably don't. I just... I thought you should know." Instead of saying anything (because at this point, I don't think I'm able to, I place a kiss at his jaw. "Is that okay?" He sounds so unsure of himself. (Someone loves me.) (Not just someone; Baz loves me.) I nod slowly, thinking if I say anything, my voice will come out as only a squeak.

The word 'fall' is peculiar. We fall down. We fall and die. I fell down the stairs, and it hurt like a bloody fuck. Fall, fall, fall. It has a certain negative connotation, doesn't it? Funny how we use it to say we've fallen in love. Like it hurts. But- this doesn't hurt. Baz loving me, and me loving him (I wish I could just fucking say it)- it anything but hurts. It's soft and consuming and lovely. Like laying down in a bed after a long day. Why don't we say lay into love? We don't crash into it, hurting the whole way through- it happens over time. Softly, sweetly. Through thick and thin. And when we finally feel it - when we finally know it - it's like laying down, softly and slowly.

I've lain into love with Baz. I like the sound of that.