Chamber by Chamber // Snowbaz

Grey is the Loneliest Colour

OTP Prompt #32: Simon and Baz travel back in time to their sixth year at Watford

~  Hello, my loves! This prompt is for @jellyjaranime! I hold this one very close to my heart, because lately I've been feeling very similar things to the ones I write about in this part. It turned into something that I didn't expect it to. I sincerely hope you all enjoy this one! I would recommend listening to some songs while reading. I would say:

- I Can't Make You Love my by Bonnie Raitt

- Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word by Elton John

- Anxiety by Julia Michaels

- I Can't Breathe by Bea Miller

- Breathe Me by Sia

- Breathin by Ariana Grande

- Animal by Troye Sivan

- Naked by James Arthur

Without further ado, enjoy! ~

TW: This is angsty, and it does have a lot of in depth descriptions of anxiety.

*Simon's POV*

I don't think I knew what I was doing when I decided this would be a good idea. (Actually, I knew exactly what I was bloody doing. I just couldn't really... tell anyone.) It was just all getting to be... too much. And I thought that if I... did what I did... that maybe I could- I dunno. Show Baz that we are better now? It sounds stupid thinking about it now, and I don't know why I did it. I always fuck everything up, and even I know this was too much.

I knew Baz wasn't happy; how could he have been? I know I told him I'd be a terrible boyfriend and he said okay, but I don't think he was expecting all this. I was at the point that I wanted to cut out my own fucking tongue because I couldn't just communicate. I couldn't really say anything. I couldn't break up with him, I couldn't tell him I love him, I could barely even say 'pass the cider'. And it was driving me crazy. I don't quite know how to explain what it is I feel for him.

I just know that when I see him, my heart feels like it stops and gets revived all at once.

When I hear his voice, I feel like there's no better sound in the world.

Even if we're just sitting next to each other, it feels like we're the only two people in the world. Like as long as I'm with him I - we - can do anything.

Every bloody time I'm with him, I feel infinite. I wish I could put those things I feel into words for him. (Even if I don't even know what they are.)

But I couldn't. I never can. And so that's why I thought that maybe I could show him. I could show him that even though I may be a complete bloody fuckup - a disaster - that it's better than it was when we were still fighting at Watford. Because anything is better than fighting, yeah? So I had gone to Penny, acting like a complete loon. I don't think she could make much sense of me, and maybe that's why she agreed to help.

"Pen, please!" I had begged. I was pathetic- even to myself. My hair was a bloody mess from tugging on it so much (Baz used to tease me for that. He hadn't in a... long time.)

"Simon, I love you, and you know I would do anything for you. But I just can't help you-" She was standing firm and resolute, but I knew I could wear her down. I had to.

"Yes you fucking can! Penny, I have to show him that I lo-" I could feel my breathing starting to quicken and my thoughts begin to muddle, so I cut myself of. "That I care about him. And this might be the only way," I moved closer to her, reaching out to take one of her hands. "Please." Something in her eyes changed when she saw that I almost said I loved Baz. (Of course I do- how couldn't I?)