He Ain't For Me

14

Kabanata 14

Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days and days became weeks at ganito parin ang scenario.

Everytime Van opened up to us lagi nalamang akong nababato sa kinalalagyan ko.

The uneding guilt didn't subside even for just a day.

Ganon pa din ang estado namin ni Blaze.

Kapag may pagkakataon na mag isa ako ay sinasamantala nya iyon upang kausapin ako. That's why  I am always with Ana para maiwasan ko sya.

He's saying the most stupid things I've ever heard my whole life. Hindi ako makapaniwala na may ikakasama pa sya.

Gaya nalamang ngayon.

Lunch break namin at hinigit nya ako patungo dito sa janitor's room.

Buti nalang at nasa library sina Van at Anna.

I closed my eyes as the frustration built inside me.

Idinikit nya ako sa pader at inilagay ang kanyang mga kamay sa ibabaw ng aking ulo.

He's breathing fast and hard while he leaned closer to me.

I'm trying to push him but then I realize na nagsasayang lamang ako ng lakas dahil hindi naman sya natitinag.

"Don't ignore me." He said huskily, almost begging.

Nagpantig ang tenga ko sa binitawan nyang salita.

"Huh! Ang kapal din naman pala ng mukha mo para sabihin yan. Nababaliw kana ba talaga ha Blaze? Iiwasan kita dahil yun yung tama. You have a fucking girlfriend and we are done. What in that fucking sentence you don't fucking understand?" Sigaw ko sakanya. I don't care if I cursed a lot. Putangina lang talaga! Pag katapos nya akong iwan, ngayon gaganito ganito sya?

"I don't fucking understand why this happend to us." Mariing sabi nya at halos magkapalit na kami ng mukha sa sobra lapit namin sa isa't isa.

"Talaga ba Blaze Archer? Talaga bang hindi mo alam? Gusto mo ba ipa-alaala ko ulit?" Tinulak ko sya at inayos ang tayo ko. 

"It's because of you. Remember you left me?" Matabang kong sabi. Bitterness filled my voice. I can taste it.

"You think I want that? You think I want to left the person I loved the most? You think I will let go of the only person who's keeping me sane? Sa tingin mo ba ginusto kong iwan ka? I suffered more than you'll ever know. I almost lose it Sab! I almost gone mad, pero hindi mo nakita dahil wala ka naman sa mga panahong iyon." Umatras pa sya at tinignan ako. His eyes are blazing with fire. Kumikislap na ito sa mga namumuong luha.

He looked sad... No, he looks devastated. Na parang anytime ay mag b-break down ito.

"Because you pushed me away. You told me to go. Because you said you don't need me. You looked straight into my eyes and you didn't even blink while I was begging you not to say it. I was begging you Blaze, I was fucking begging but you said it anyway." Sigaw ko sa mukha nya habang bumalik sa akin ang alaalang iyon.

That's when I lose it. My tears fell like waterfalls.

Makikita ang sakit sa mga mata nya habang nagniningning parin ang mga ito sa mga nagbabadyang luha.

"Ni hindi ka man lang kumurap ng saktan ako tapos ngayon parang kasalan ko pa na hindi ko alam na nahirapan ka din? Bakit? Ikaw ba alam mo mga pinagdaanan ko? Did you have any idea that I cried almost every hour? May idea kaba na pilit kung tinatanong kung may mali sa akin? You don't know it! Dahil hindi naman ikaw ang iniwan! Hindi ikaw ang nagmukhang tanga kakahanap sa sagot kung bakit nagawa kang lokohin ng taong pinakamamahal mo! Now tell me Blaze! Is it my fault that I don't want anything from you?" Humahagulgol na ako ngayon sa harapan nya.