He Ain't For Me

21

Kabanata 21

I am sitting on the rooftop right now watching the heavy rain pours. Its sweet beckoning serenades me. It is quite early for my first class that's why I chose to go up here and appreciate the weather in this view. As I looked at the sky, which is now gravel grey and looks postcard perfect, the ruffling breeze of the wind suddenly enveloped my body. I could feel it swept along my skin and that made me shiver. I closed my eyes and rubbed both of my arms. I love the rain. I always have. Contrary to popular culture, it's like my own sunshine.

So much rain was falling that the sound intensified. I turned my gaze downward and saw few umbrellas were opened. Students are coming and the fall becomes heavier. The gate of the sky fell open and the water continuously falling and no one is there to close it back up. It seems.

It amazes me how rain could give such a soothing feeling, that no one could come close. Not unless from him.

I almost jump ng may maramdaman akong bagay na pumatong sa likod ko patungong balikat.
I looked at it and realized that it was a jacket.

Humarap ako sa gilid ng may umupo.

"Are you always this early?" Nasara ko ang bibig ko at kinagat ang loob nito.

"Sometimes." Hindi naman talaga ako laging maaga, last time nga nalate ako. Parang lalo akong nilamig ngayon.

"The sound of the rain gives me satisfaction. It's like the sky knows I'm sad." Biglang ani niya.

Tinitigan ko sya. For the past days ngayon ko nalamang sya naramdamang sobrang lapit sa akin. He distanced himself not because I asked him, but because he realized it by his own. His eyes now are as open and honest as any innocent child that were covered by his naturally soft and long lashes. Sobrang ganda at the same time sobrang lungkot ng mga mata nya na parang titingin ka lang ay makikisimpatya ka sa kung anumang nararamdaman nya.

"May problema ka ba? Did you and Van had an argument?" Tanong ko. Inayos ko ang pagkakalagay ng jacket.

"No. We didn't fight." Maikling tugon nya.

Tinignan nya ako pabalik at nagsalita muli.

"You know exactly what's making me sad but it's fine and I don't want you to feel guilty about it." He's looking at my eyes down to my lips. "Just please be happy, even if it's not me. Even if it's him, I want you to be happy. Even if it's hurting me." Nabasag ang boses nya sa mga huling salitang binitawan nya. Ibinaling nyang muli ang kanyang paningin sa ulan pero hindi nakaligtas sa akin ang pagbabasa ng kanyang mga mata.

Tumikhim ako at huminga ng malalim. Napakabigat sa loob ko ang mga sinabi nya. Does he really think na may namamagitan sa amin ni Francis? Akala nya ba masaya ako sa kanya? Kung alam mo lang Blaze. Kung pwedi lang.

"I don't know what to say. We've been hurting each other for so long and I don't know if there's a way to stop it." Umayos ako ng upo at ipinatong ang baba sa aking mga tuhod. "I'm gonna be honest with you. I want to be happy again. I want to feel what I've missed ever since we broke up. I want to feel alive again and I know for a fact na malapit na iyon."

Sa totoo lang ewan ko ba kung malapit na iyon basta ang alam ko ay gagawin ko ang lahat para sumaya muli ako.

"I could say that." He smiled at me sadly.

"I want to be honest with you too, I'm gonna break up with Van and this time for good." Parang sirang plakang nag paulit ulit sa tenga ko iyong huling linya nya.

"Oh my God! Why?" Hindi ko namalayan na natapik ko pala ang braso nya sa sobrang gulat.

"We're not working anymore. I tried to do everything to save my feelings for her but I failed. I fucking failed again. I kept hurting her, I kept lying to her, and it's time to be honest with her for once." Ani nya na parang memoryado na ang mga sinasabi nya.