{My Mental Health}

A Sinner.

I...
I don't know what stage im on, probably a mixed episode.

This feeling has never gone away, whether im in mania or depression. The feeling of guilt. It eats me up as if it licked the plate. I feel as if im such a bad person, and I say its true. Im a sinner, and nothing more than that. I lost many, many people that cared for me the most, and its my fault. And knowing the person must have thought "why", "how" it happened it breaks me. So let me tell you something, just so you don't copy or get influenced by my decisions. "just because your broken, doesn't mean you can break others aswell" I live by that saying, because I know how it feels for someone to break you into tiny, little, pieces. Yet, I did the same. See this is the affect of bipolar disorder, when in mania you make rational decisions, then in depression you sulk over those decisions. And its a continuous cycle, and im so scared that its never gonna stop. That im gonna keep hurting people I love the most, people I treasure the most. Thats why sometimes im absent at school, its not because im sick, its not because im going somewhere, its because im scared, that maybe I make the wrong decisions again.

I...
I stopped cutting and its just driving me crazy. I thought that maybe I can lessen my sins. But instead I started smoking, drinking (just a little) and overdosing. I cant remember how many times I overdosed this month, thinking of the thought that it can kill me. But no, sadly im still alive, last month my mom recieved the results of my blood test and my liver wasn't so good, which was because I kept on overdosing on paracetamol.
And im just so guilty, of all the things that I have done. So scared that it will affect people around me. Im sorry.

Stay safe everyone!!:>