BOOK ONE | jace wayland imagines

11. same old four walls

STORY CREATED BY  blackthornslightwood

I feel so numb
Staring at the shower wall
It's begun,
The feeling that the end has come
And now the water's cold

I stared at the wall for what felt like hours now, I couldn't breath and somehow the shower seemed to help. The water droplets hit my face as I try not to cry. The pain was over powering everything in my body and the ice cold water just helped it all fade away for a while. It made me feel numb, it was the only thing I wanted to feel at this point. Everything else was a reminder of her. Of us.

I tried to eat today
But the lump in my throat got in the way

"Hey Jace" Alec said as he slowly walked into my room. I nodded at him, I knew he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable knowing the state I was in.He just wanted to make sure I was alright. I didn't look away from the window just kept watching the rain fall outside. "I brought you some food to eat. It's your favorite" I turned my head to see Alec standing there holding a take out bag by my bed. As he looked at me I could tell he was scanning my face, I was a mess. The bags under my eyes showed that I haven't actually slept in days. My messy hair that I didn't to bother to do anything with when I got out of the shower. At least I showered I thought. My bloodshot eyes told anyone that I have been crying. Crying wasn't something I ever did until a few days when everything happened. Thinking of the events, thinking of your last breath made tears brimmed in my eyes once again,

"Can you just go" I let out as my voice cracked, I could feel the lump forming in my throat again. Alec looked at me with a sad smile but nodded his head. He laid the food down on the bed and left knowing full well that I wasn't going to eat. I haven't in days and my slim figure prove that.

In this time I've lost all sense of pride
I've called a hundred times
If I hear your voice I'll be fine

I let my hands dial over the numbers that I knew by heart. I knew I shouldn't I've done it so many times now but I couldn't stop myself. I needed to hear your voice. The ringing was so loud in my ears, I knew it was almost time. Then my breath was took away as I heard your voice come through the speakers. I loved your voice and I never got to tell you how it always brighten my day. I closed my eyes trying to picture you in front of me. The way your hands would touch mine as you spoke. Or that your voice was you telling me about your day but I knew it wasn't every time the voicemail ended. It felt like the life I had left in me just disappeared. Want could I say? You were my life. You were everything to me.

And I, I can't come alive
I want the room to take me under
'Cause I can't help but wonder
What if I had one more night for goodbye?

It been coming back to me all the time. I wonder what would I feel like if I had only got to you in time. Just to say I love you or goodbye. But the memory of running back into that dark alley to see you lifeless in Isabelle arms, nothing ever hurt me like that before. The pain that washed over me then, wouldn't go away. You were gone and I didn't say goodbye. One more moment would of been enough. It's selfish for me to want that, you were in pain till the very end and I wanted more. I needed to see your face once more to survive but I didn't. Did you hate me for not being there? I would never know.

If you're not here to turn the lights off, I can't sleep
These four walls and me

As night fell outside of my window I decided that I should try to get some sleep. I wrapped myself in the covers that stilled smelled like your perfume. I could do this. I could sleep in our bed for the first time since it happened. I was strong enough now but I remember something. The lights were on. We only ever slept in darkness, it made everything so peaceful but now it was a painful reminder. You always turned them off since you were always last to go to bed. I would complain about your long lasting skincare routine that took up time that we could spend together in bed while you rolled your eyes and switch them off. I would laugh at my own childish actions now that everything was over. Now it wouldn't happen again, it was just me. No one to bother but myself. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Laying in your spot relaxed me for some reason. I felt like I could sleep. I felt like I could dream of everything we could of had. Closing my eyes I knew in my heart that you were alright. I knew that I could be happy if I tried because that's what you always said. Letting myself drift off, I dreamed of you. You were happy and I wanted to be too but I had to accept you were gone. And as I did you smiled proud before you faded away forever.