SnowBaz Oneshots

For You

Dear Simon,

I'm sorry, I really am. I'm sorry I'm not the greatest boyfriend, or even an okay boyfriend. I try to be there, to be present, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to say how much I care about you. I don't know how to tell you how I wish we were together when we've only been apart for a few minutes.

You are the sweetest person I know.
You listened to me when I thought no one would, and you were able to know exactly when I was feeling down. We teased and bickered like an old couple, but I loved it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I miss you so, so much. I hate not talking to you. Not being able to sit down and laugh with you. Or even text you, anything. I miss you more than you realize.

Sometimes I think that this is still all a joke. That you don't actually care for me, but I know it's not true. You would never do something like that, which makes me feel amazing. Because you do care. And I can't thank you enough for that.

I had a dream where I was panicking, crying, alone...then you showed up. You were there and your face lit up at the sight of me. And when you noticed I was crying, you came to my aid. You helped me. I remember grabbing your hand to take you somewhere and you immediately stopped everything. You were so happy just holding my hand...it made me feel like I actually had a purpose. The rest of my dream I remember quite clearly, because it was one of the best dreams I've had. We walked everywhere, hand in hand. Side by side. We sat down and you let me cuddle against you, all while you held me close.

I wish that dream were real. I wish I had the confidence to grab your hand. I wish I could come to you in my darkest hour and you would hold me till forever to make me feel better. I just want to be more confident to be with you.

You used to call me names. Names that I adored, in secret of course. Babe, Sweetheart, Sweetie, Love. I know them all. And every time I see you I hope that you will call me those again. When you gave me those, I almost cried. They all made me feel like I was on top of the world.

I know I act as if I don't care. As if us being together is just a thing on my to-do list. But the truth is I care so, so much. I love hanging out with you. Talking to you. Being with you. I'm sorry I don't show it. I'm sorry if I make you feel that you don't matter because you do. You matter. I'm sorry I let my terrible thoughts, worries, and insecurities cloud my vision. I guess I'm just scared. Scared that one day everyone will realize that I'm not the person they think I am. That I'm not the person you think I am. It's an excuse, I know, but it's true. I'm scared.

I hope we return to how we were before, maybe even go to a point that we were in my dream. God, I wish that. Please remember that I'm here. If you need to talk. If you need a distraction. I'm here for anything. For you.

-Baz