i like you (say it back) ; egobang

05

He has time to think about things while he drives, the ride home quiet. He actually feels a bit better after that good cry and after actually listening to Dan for once. Arin knows he shouldn't be so sad over his feelings for him because there's no point. He's going to ruin things if he stays like this, and he's going to be missing out on so many wonderful moments because of it all.

Instead of being depressed because he loves Dan, Arin thinks that maybe he should try to feel better about it, try to get over it, or at least try to ignore it if he can.

But with the amount of time that Arin has to be around Dan, it won't just go away- his feelings will probably get stronger, if that's possible, and it actually kind of scares him. What if it gets to the point where he can barely stop himself from making a move? What if he says too much- something he can't take back? What if he crosses a line without realizing it? What if he does something too inappropriate, even for them? What if it gets so bad that he starts thinking of Dan whenever he gets off, if he accidentally calls out Dan's name instead of Suzy's when he's in bed with her?

And what if it just eventually becomes too obvious?

Arin doesn't know what the hell to do. He doesn't know why he feels this way. He doesn't know what Dan would probably think of him if he found out, how Dan would react, what he would say and do. What if he leaves Game Grumps and disbands Starbomb? What if he distances himself until they stop being friends? What if Dan is so disgusted, he stops talking to him and never wants to see him again?

It scares Arin to think about the possibility of losing Dan because of his stupid feelings, but he doubts it would actually happen. Dan would probably be weirded out, maybe even flattered, and he would turn Arin down and then probably distance himself for a while. And things would be awkward, but then eventually things would probably go back to normal, to an extent. The things they do now, the way they act around each other, all the jokes... it would all change. Dan wouldn't be too comfortable around Arin anymore.

Maybe Dan wouldn't be too weirded out by it though. Maybe he'd be flattered, politely turning Arin down in his own way because he doesn't share his feelings, giving any excuse he can. Maybe they'd pretend like Arin's feelings never existed for a while, and Dan's side of the playful flirting would stop. Maybe one day, the feelings would be brought up because Dan just doesn't get it, he doesn't understand, and it bothers him still. Maybe he'd ask Arin if he still felt the same, and be upset when the answer is 'yes'. Maybe Dan would get a girlfriend and then grow distant, and it'd get to the point where they never talk about Arin's feelings for him again, barely even talk anymore in general.

But in every scenario Arin can think up, it doesn't go too well. That's just because he knows Dan and knows that he wouldn't seriously be interested. He jokes about that shit, but he's never as serious as Arin sometimes is about it. And that's what really fucking hurts the most about it- there's no way Dan could ever look back at Arin the way Arin looks at him, there's no way Dan could mean things the same way Arin does.

He exhales, gripping onto the wheel tighter. He needs to stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen, all the ways shit could go wrong, all of the worst parts of the whole situation, and needs to start thinking about what the hell he's going to say to Suzy when he sees her at home. He has to apologize for starters, but he isn't sure if he should talk to her about his feelings, especially right now. He doesn't know what she'll say if he does.

Would she be okay with it or would she be upset and jealous? He doubts it would be the latter because Suzy has always been there for him and she's always been so supportive of him and his interests and everything. Maybe it would work out if he told her and maybe he'd feel better about it all. Maybe she could help him, give him advice on what the fuck to do, how to go about it, and tell him if he should give up and move on or not.