When did you know a Marlo lost themselves? The second they realize and understand they cannot love someone in a way they deserve. The moment they realize they need to disappear and find themselves again. When they realize they need to step back, to understand where they went wrong. Thats where Dillion found himself, in the middle of New York off the grid. His phone long since shattered to pieces on the ground he found himself coming to enjoy. He had left his brothers behind, his cousin who he knew needed him. He needed this, its what he reminded himself, His hands had dialed up the similar number listening to the ring on the other end.
"Hey Iz." His voice states on the phone as he leaned on the living room couch. Since coming to New York, Dillion didn't sleep anywhere but the small damaged couch. There wasn't much place to sleep, he also had gotten a new phone. One to call Izzy, one to ask her about his friends. He felt the need to make sure they had been surviving with out him. That they had been living there lives decently while he was letting himself suffer.
"Dillion hey! Caught me at a good time I was just about to head out. You know to go see a movie with the girls." Izzy states through the phone, even on the phone she sounded like she was jumping up and down. Izzy had that nature, to always sound just as excited as a little kid. She held that nature to be how she felt.
"That sounds like fun, how are they anyways?" Dillion questioned as Izzy had let a short sigh out. He knew what was too follow. The same words he heard every time he spoke to Izzy.
"I know you're asking about Dani, but Dill you just got to understand you fucked up. Like big time, you need to apologize anyways. Instead of just going off the grid from everyone else. It wasn't fair to anyone, for all they know you're dead off in some ditch. You don't post. You don't call they miss you. But you need to understand they have to keep living." Izzy states, Dillion knew Izzy wasn't typically a very serious person. So these phone calls had been her glimpse at being a form of a normal human being. Something Izzy usually avoided for the simple fact that she hated feeling the need to be some form of an informant.
"I get that Iz, but I can't. I just - enjoy your movie." Dillion states before he hung up. He could hardly get through a full phone conversation with the girl. He had broken his other phone when getting to New York. He had completely lost his contacts and it was easier his friends just thinking he was gone. At least then wouldn't worry about him, he felt useless.
"Fucking Christ." The boys yelled in frustration the phone in his hands had slammed against the wall facing him as he stood in the living room. Huffing his breath as he soon sat back down elbows placed on his knee's as his face rested in his hands. He felt - alone. He didn't have Dani, Izzy had told him countless times he needed to come back but he couldn't. He couldn't make that effort. Days like these he wished he could've just disappeared from the world. He wished he could be swallowed up into a black hole and forget that he had ever even lived.
"You're such a fuck up Dill. You fucked it all up, why couldn't you just - dammit! You're such an idiot, it's no wonder you can't do anything right. A stupid idiot Marlo, even your brothers know when to apologize." The boy states to himself, he didn't fear his mother seeing him. She'd be gone all night working. He was alone in the apartment his phone was probably shattered. He felt truly like the most odd ball Marlo. He couldn't seem to do anything right let alone could he fix it.
"You're hopeless, so fucking hopeless. Idiot, fuckin idiot. You're worthless aren't you? Who would want you in their life. Can't even help yourself." He states as a small sob escaped his lips, he hardly cried. Dillion hates crying, he hated showing his emotions. Yet there was nothing he could do, he couldn't stop himself when the tears started. He felt like the world he once knew was slowly caving around him.
"I just - I wanted to be everything for everyone. But once again I'm not enough. I don't think I'll ever be enough." He muttered to himself as his legs pulled up to his chest. He could hear his phone ringing he assumed Izzy was calling him back after the harsh hang up. He couldn't find himself to get up. He just sat on the couch, his form as tightly held in a ball as he could get it. He didn't want to move, and he hadn't moved. His head buried in his knees until his mother had gotten home. Hopelessly she had tried to help the boy calm down but he just ignored her every words.
"They'll all leave at some point, just like you did. Just like dad did, Dakota and Alexander will move on one day. My friends will all grow up and move on with life. They'll all leave. I'll continue to do what Dakota and Alexander do, fuck up. I'll keep fucking up, I can't do anything right, Why can't I just do something right for once in my god damned life." Dillion states when he finally lifted his head up to look at the woman.
"Dillion -"
"Don't say it, don't say they won't, they will. Because who wants so stick around with me? I'm useless, I can't change. I hurt people I care about, I always fuck up. I'm a lost cause mom. That's just it, I've always been a lost cause. Someone who can't get himself over this, I just keep falling I don't know what to do anymore." Dillion states as he rested his head on top of his knees.
"Honey you know that's not true." His mother states as he scoffed harshly.
"You left, dad left. They'll leave, one day they'll realize they don't need me." He states as he shook his head eyes laid on the wall.
"I hope you realize that's not true." The woman states as she stood up leaving the boy to continue his fall down. He felt like he was falling into a darkness that he wouldn't be able to leave.
"And worst of all, she'll move on one day. Find someone who makes her happy, and I'll just have to smile and pretend I'm okay. So long as she's happy I guess." He muttered as a single tear escaped his eye and his head rested back in to hole between his body and his legs. He fell asleep that night in that ball, something he had never done before.
