Since Childhood

24: Tying the Knot of War

“What’s this kuya? Bakit sinabi mo? Bakit pinangunahan mo ko? Akala ko ba we’re on good terms?” Hindi ko maiwasan na pagtaasan ng boses si kuya.

We are alone at my room. I excuse the both of us before saying anything regarding the so-called wedding between our families. The rest of them are waiting downstairs as me and kuya speak.

“It’s not me, Daniela. I didn’t say anything. Nagulat na lang din ako when me and Noah was summoned here tonight. I have no idea!” He disclaim the blame.

“Pero paano? Kuya!!” I cried. Sa panahon na to si kuya Davien lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin. Sya lang yung makakapag comfort sa akin. Sya lang yung pwede kong lapitan.

I was crying in front of him when Tim’s voice appeared from the doorway.

He says, “it was I.”

Napalingon kaming parehas ni kuya kay Tim. His hands are both inside his jean’s pocket. His shoulder were held square, mukhang confident and proud pa sya sa ginawa nyang pag-amin na sya ang may pakana ng lahat ng to. His face is neutral, na para bang normal lang ang lahat.

Bago ko pa mapunasan ang luha ko ay sumugod na si kuya Davien kay Tim at kinuwelyuhan sya. Kuya’s jaw are clenching because of anger. His eyes speaks strong disapproval and hatred. I didn’t interfere this time kung sasapakin man ni kuya si Tim. I think he deserve it.

Actually, I was wishing na sana nga bugbugin ni kuya si Tim ngayon. Gusto ko syang makitang nasasaktan. Gusto kong gumanti even if it’s not me who’s hurting him.

“You are a motherfucking traitor, Tim.” Kuya hissed while gripping onto Tim’s collar.

Hindi nagsalita si Tim. Hindi din nagbago yung mukha nya. He just stare straight through kuya’s eyes. Hinayaan nya lang na kuwelyuhan sya ni kuya.

“Kuya, give us a privacy please.” I demand in the midst of silence. Hindi sang-ayon si kuya na iwan ako mag-isa kasama si Tim but I raise my voice when I plead for the second time.

Before leaving, kuya whispered something to Tim before harshly pushing him off.

I didn’t move. Hinayaan ko na si Tim ang lumapit sa akin. And once he’s already standing right before me, I slapped him on his face. Napabaling ang mukha nya sa gilid. He keep his head into sideways and then I heard him chuckle.

“You think that slap would solve anything?” He asked sarcastically.

I glare at him for a while before saying, “I hate you. I hate you so much.”

“Alam ko na yan, Rhein. Kahit hindi mo ulit-ulitin, alam na alam ko ang bagay na yan.” He said smiling na para bang sinasagad nya talaga yung galit ko.

“Sino ka ba sa akala mo, Tim? Ang kapal naman ng mukha mo para magdecide. Ang kapal naman ng mukha mo para simulan tong kasal na sinasabi nila nang hindi ako kinakausap. You are making decisions in your own pero ipapaalala ko lang sayo, I’m involve in this situation. Kaya kung gagawa ka man ng kahit na anong hakbang, you have to consult it to me! You need to inform me first! Hindi yung ganito na para akong tanga na nangangapa sa dilim!”

“Bakit kailangan ko pang ipaalam sa ‘yo? I have my own decisions and I like controlling my own life. Bakit ko pa ipapaalam kung para sayo lahat ng ginagawa ko mali? You are just like Davien. Both arrogant. Magkapatid nga kayo.”

“Tama nga si kuya. You are no longer the same Timothy. You changed for good. You become a monster that you are right now.”

“You and Davien made me a monster, Rhein. Hindi ako magbabago kung hindi nyo ako binago. I’m always the understanding person, pero anong ginawa nyo? You abused me and Davien almost got me killed without hearing me out. Ngayon tuloy napapaisip ako, itinuring nyo ba talaga akong kaibigan?”

“Don’t turn the tables, Tim.” I said with clenching jaw.

“You turn it first, Rhein. Pero bakit pag ako na, I always get a warning? Play fair, Rhein. If I will suffer, then bakit ako lang? You are part of this mess and I’m tired of protecting you.”

Ni minsan ay hindi ko inaakala na we are going to hate each other this much. I always have a fantasy that one day, things between us will go smoothly and romantic. But I think that fantasy will remain as it is. Isang pantasya lang. It will never be a reality.

Nakatingin kami ni Tim sa isa’t isa. Both of our eyes hold anger. Both of us don’t want to withdraw from the glaring competition.

“Anong kasinungalingan ang sinabi mo kay na mama at papa para mapapayag mo sila sa gusto mo?” I asked leading the conversation back to where they are supposed to be.

“Kasinungalingan?” He laughed. “Simple lang, I told them I love you so much and you the same. That I can’t live without you. That I love you since we were kids. That’s the lie that makes me earn their approval. Satisfied?”

Mabilis akong napapikit.

His statement hurts me so damn much. Akala ko baak na yung puso ko. Yun pala mas may ikawawasak pa pala to. I needed to cry. I wanted to cry. Pero saka na. I’m done crying in front of him. I’m so done.

“Okay.” I let out.

My reply made Tim confused but his confusion didn’t last for a single second.

I continue what I’m saying.

“Sige, magpakasal tayo. Let’s go on with how you prepare it. Let’s hate each other beyond expectation until one of us filed for a legal separation. Let’s see each other every single day of our lives and remind ourselves that we hate each other. Parusahan natin yung mga sarili natin. And then pag pagod na tayo, let’s simply say to our families that we had enough. Sige lang, Tim. If that’s a challenge, I'm telling you right now that I’m not backing off.”

That statement of mine made him speechless.

Tama lang. Akala mo siguro I’m going to beg for the cancellation of your plan. No chance, Tim. Sawang sawa na akong magmakaawa for my own sake.

I’ve had enough. If we are destined to hate each other, then I gave up. Hindi ko na ipipilit ang hindi p-pwede. You started this war. You forced me to comply into this war.