Since Childhood

21: Proof against Lies

His intense stare made me feel so conscious. Suddenly, its feels like the world have become smaller. It feels like my dooms day have finally come. The earrings, his eyes, his voice, it give me an impression that he’s finally unveiling the puzzle of yesterday.

I’ve forgotten the fact that I’m starving. My hunger vanished probably because my mind no longer interpret my bodily reaction. Instead of eating, I just wanna go upstairs. Magkulong sa kuwarto ko at never na ulit lumabas until the sun rises.

“I–” kakabuka pa lamang ng bibig ko upang magsalita at magpaalam pero pinutol agad ni Tim yon. He spoke even though he knew that I do not want to hear any of what he wanted to says.

“Rhein, I want to tell you a story.”

“I’m sorry, Tim. M-maybe next time.” I tried to get away but he ignored it. Instead, he spoke again. I stop for a moment to listen. As soon as he stop talking, I will excuse myself out. That is my plan.

“When I was just 20 years old, something happened that is still lingering on my mind hanggang ngayon. We used to be best friends, right? Hindi naman siguro masama na magkwento sa kababata, diba?”

His question held me captive kaya wala na akong ibang nagawa kundi ang sumang-ayon. “O-oo naman.”

Once he gets my approval, he started telling a story. A story that made me froze in my seat.

“12 years ago, I first experience sex. It was so dark. That night’s darkness is so blinding, enough reason to mistook someone.” Napalunok na lang ako ng marinig ko ang sinabi ni Tim. Nanlamig na din ang mga kamay ko, I even started trembling uncontrollably. “My first night were rooted to my mind. The kiss that I shared with that woman was by far the most intimate I ever had. Araw-araw iniisip ko kung papaano ako pinasaya ng gabing yon at sinaktan ng sulat na nakita ko kinamagahan. You know what’s the most ironic part? Yung babaeng inaakala ko na nakasama ko buong gabi, nasa malayo na pala nung panahon na yon. Na ibang babae pala yung nakasama ko buong magdamag.” Natawa ng bahagya si Tim habang inaalala nya ang nakaraan.

Hinila ko ang sarili kong kamay at inilagay ko sya sa ibabaw ng tuhod ko. I hide it from him because it was shaking. I look at the floor, at the refrigerator, sa lahat ng bagay sa kusina pero ni minsan ay hindi ko itinutok ang sarili kong mga mata sa mata ni Tim.

Eyes are the window to our soul. Eye speaks the truth kaya kung sakaling titingin ako kay Tim, siguradong lahat ng tinatago ko ay mabubunyag. Bakit ngayon pa kung sakali? If he really want to know the woman who he slept with for the very first time, sana ay matagal na nya akong nahanap.

It’s all meaning less now. Or is it?

Hahayaan ko na lang na ang situation ang magdikta. I don’t know where this conversation leads to but wherever that is, then so be it.

“And although hindi ko sya kilala, even after knowing that I slept with a stranger, that night still feels so good and magical. Right this moment, as I told you how we kiss each other, nakikita ko na naman yung gabing yon. When she wrapped her arms around me, when I intertwined my hands on her. When I lay her down the be–”

“Tama na!” I stopped him. Hindi ko na kayang marinig pa lahat ng yon. Hindi ko na kakayanin kapag nagkuwento pa sya because every words that he speaks, it makes my stomach flutter and my heart flip.

Pansamantalang natigilan si Tim pero makalipas ang ilang segundo lang ay nagsalita ulit sya.

“You know what, the next morning when I wake up, I found a blood stain on the bedsheets. Then a housekeeper told me that I dropped that earring which she found on the bed. Tuwing nakikita ko ang hikaw na yan, lahat ng alaala bumabalik. Lahat lahat.”

“Tama na, Timothy! Hindi mo ba maintindihan? Ayoko na marinig yang mga sinasabi mo. And besides, bakit mo ba sinasabi sakin yan? Do you think I would care?” I control the convulsing of my body and pull myself together. I form my hand into fist

“Why am I telling this? Why am I telling this shit?! Because that is something that you never did, Rhein! Alam mo sa sarili mo ang tinutukoy ko, Rhein. Alam na alam mo yan.” The intonation of his voice are rising then come to falling. However, no matter how high or how low his voice becomes, anger still have trace on it.

Dahil sa outburst nya, lalo akong nakarmdamn ng nerbyos.

Have he found out? How? Papaano nya nalaman? What if he did found it out? What should I do now?

Gritted teeth, I shouted on him. “Wala akong maintindihan sa sinasabi mo, Tim. I don’t give a fuck as well. Leave.” I raised my eyebrow and then walk away.

“Ang gusto ko sana mangyari sayo mismo manggaling but I think you don’t have plan on telling me the truth.” I’m just one step far from the hall going to the living room. Isang hakbang na lang ay nasa labas na ako but he made me halted again.

I heard his footsteps walking near. If I will leave, I can think of two possibilities. First, if my assumption is true that he already knew, I will make things worse. Second, if I leave, he will come after me and it won’t end the way I want it to be. Kung hahaba pa ang usapin na to, bakit hindi na lang pagtalunan ngayon?

Maybe the whole twelve years of enduring it all by myself is enough. Kahit na ito pa ang maging dahilan ng tuluyan naming pagkakasira, at least, he will knew. If I will be rejected, at least nalaman nya na kahit isang beses lang ay may namagitan sa amin that is more than just as a brotherly-and-sisterly thing.

His footsteps become louder and louder. I took a really deep breath.

Timothy stand right in front of me. I do not know where my courage is coming from. Courage that is enough to make me stare straight at his eyes. Kahit na nangangatog ako sa kaba ay nagagawa ko padin na tumingin sa kaniya ng may dignidad at taas noo. I have pride and dignity. I will not lose it even at the end.

Timothy’s face is all dark of emotion. Hindi ko na makita yung dating Tim who look at me with gentleness, care and with love even if its just sisterly love. His jaw flexes and he isn’t blinking.

“I’m going to ask you for the second time. Sayo ba ang hikaw?”

I’m so confused. I can’t think of what to say. My mind is malfunctioning. Daig ko pa ang kable ng kuryente sa gulo ng utak ko.

At the end, I choose to lie. I don’t know why. Siguro dahil hindi ko kaya na aminin. I said, “no. It wasn’t mine.”

“Then what does this mean?” He asked before pulling a folded paper from his jean’s pocket. Iniabot nya sa akin ang papel.

I hesitated at first but I grabbed the paper and discover what’s in it.

With widening eyes, I stare at the photograph of me wearing the earring. If I only knew that it was a proof against my claim, I should have torn it myself.

“Why are you lying, Rhein? Why the hell are you lying?!” He screamed and it makes me flinch.