Since Childhood

19: Tracing Her

After partially finding out what really happened that night many years ago, I went straight home. Nabasag ang cellphone ko from the fall and before someone else use the elevator, naabutan ko pa sya to where I dropped it.

Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang magisip. I can't make decisions at this state. I will not make any step recklessly. Baka kasi pagpinairal ko itong bugso ng damdamin ko ngayon, maybe I'll make things worst as it is already.

Alas tres na ng umaga ng mahiga ako sa kama at makatulog. Apat na oras lang ang naging tulog ko because even at sleep, I still feel that my mind cannot rest peacefully. Sobrang gulo ng isipan ko ngayon and forcing myself to rest won't work.

Bumangon ako mula sa pagkakahiga at diretsong naligo, nagtoothbrush, nagahit ng balbas at saka nagdamit ng maayos. I grabbed my car key and then run downstairs. Naabutan ko si papa na nasa sala, nagkakape at nagbabasa ng dyaryo.

"Where are you heading at this hour? Maaga pa para sa trabaho mo ah."

"It's an urgent matter dad. Aalis na ako."

"Wait! Hindi ka maguumagahan?"

"Later. I'm leaving." And before dad say something else, lumabas na ako ng bahay. I went to garage. Binuksan ko ang gate saka ko inilabas ang sasakyan. Lumabas si dad kaya sya na ang nag volunteer na magsara ng gate.

"Drive safely!" He reminded.

Bumusina ako as a reply to dad before driving away. I went straight to the place where I met Amanda. I found out just now na apartment pala ang building na yon and the restaurant there are only renting the space at the sixth floor.

I inquired on the front desk and the staff says that there is a guest staying at the 4th floor na Amanda ang pangalan but the family name is not Labrador. There is only Amanda L. Wilson. I said she was the one I'm looking for. Tumawag ang babae sa dial room ng kwarto nina Amanda and notified her that I am looking for her.

"Ma'am Wilson will be coming, please take a sit first, sir."

Pinapanood ko ang pagtakbo ng bawat kamay ng minuto sa malaking wall clock na nakadikot sa pader ng lobby. Inip na inip na ako kahit na wala pang limang minuto ang lumipas.

Nakayuko ako habang ang mga siko ko ay nakasandal sa tuhod ko. Lahat ng alaala ng gabing yon ay bumalik sa isip ko. Every touch, every exploration that I made on her body, every skin-to-skin contact, our moans, our kisses, the way she taste. Lahat lahat ay bumabalik. All the visions are clear, vivid as if it all happened yesterday.

"Tim." Napaupo ako ng maayos nang marinig ko ang boses ni Amanda. Tumingala ako. She's looking down on me then she sat across my seat. "Why are you here? I told you, my husband is a jealous guy. Hindi nya gusto na nakikipagusap ako sa iba."

"May lilinawin lang ako, Amanda. Give me just five minutes only." Bumuntong hininga si Amanda then her shoulder fell. She relaxed herself. "What was the date of your departure before?"

"That's all in the past, Tim. Bakit gusto mo pang malaman?"

"I need to know. Just tell me." I stare straight into her eyes. I need an answer and she's the only one who can give me the enlightenment that I needed.

"Hindi ko na alam ang date. That's been so long nakalimutan ko na. But one week before the celebration of ugh... our anniversary, umalis na kami ni mom non." Halatang hindi na nya gusto pang pagusapan ang ano man ang namagitan samin noon. She must be happy now with her husband.
"And? Talaga bang umalis ka na non? Hindi ka talaga dumating ng gabing yon? You didn't check into the hotel room?"

"Tim, ilan pa ba? Hindi nga. Nasa America na kami non ni mama. We are trying to fix our family." Lalong lumakas ang tibok ng dibdib ko nang sabihin nya na hindi nga sya sumipot ng gabing iyon. "I left a letter pero mukha namang hindi mo nabasa. Before my departure, nagkita kami ni Daniela. Nakiusap ako na ipaabot sayo yung sulat as well as the bracelet that you gave. Kung hindi ka naniniwala, go confirm it to Daniela herself. Hindi ko inaakala na hindi tutuparin ni Rhein ang usapan namin. But knowing about the existence of the letter now won't change anything Timothy. I'm sorry about what I did. That was not fair, I know. But I already pay for the sins dahil hindi naging maganda ang buhay ko sa America. I'm hoping for your happiness too. You are one of the greatest man I know pero sana ito na ang huli nating pagkikita." She extended her arms for shake hands. Kinuha ko yon so we can bury our past. "Its nice seeing you again despite of the misunderstanding we have."

Matapos ang shake hands namin ay tumayo na si Amanda and she go back to their room.

I've confirmed it. What now? Ano nang gagawin ko? Or may dapat ba akong gawin?

Labindalawang taon na ang lumipas pero ngayon ko lang nalaman. For 12 years, nagawa ni Rhein na itago yung bagay na yon. Paano nya ako natitignan sa mata? Paano nya natatagalan na magstay sa iisang kwarto kasama ako? Siguro madali lang para sa kanya kasi wala syang feelings para sa akin.

Gulong gulo ang isip ko. The only way to ease my mind is to confront her. Pero gusto ko ba yon? No. Ang gusto ko ay sa kanya mismo manggaling. Gusto ko na sya mismo ang magsabi. Pero may balak ba sya na ipaalam sa akin yon? Nagawa nga nya na itago sa loob ng labindalawang taon eh. She can hide it again for another 12 years for sure.

Bumalik ako sa bahay matapos ang paguusap namin ni Amanda. I went straight to my room at inisa-isa ko ang drawer ko. I'm looking for a flower earring. It's the only trace that was left to me. Nang bumalik ako noon sa hotel, iniabot sa akin yung hikaw na yon. Nakita daw ng housekeeper habang naglilinis sya.

Hindi ko pwedeng basta-basta na lang panghawakan ang sinabi ni Amanda. I need proof. This earring will help me in finding out the answer. Nakita ko ang hikaw na kalakip ng kahon na pinaglalagyan ng bracelet at sulat ni Amanda.

I look at the accessory very clearly. I'm familiarising its style, the color, the size. Kinuha ko ang laptop ko. I turn it on and I immediately open my browser software. Binisita ko isa-isa ang social media accounts ni Rhein. Her instagram, her twitter, tumblr, her facebook. Matagal na scroll ang ginagawa ko just to check her old photos. Her photographs 12 years ago. Her Instagram account is only 8 years old kaya nag-aksaya lang ako ng oras. Ganon din ang twitter at tumblr nya pero nagtyaga parin ako na maghanap. I ended up with none. The last that I checked was her facebook.

I scanned all her old photos kahit na nangangawit na ang batok ko. She's so beautiful at her 18.

Kakakalkal ko ng luma nyang pictures, dinala ako ng sarili kong curiosity sa album nya na ang nakaupload ay puro pictures nilang dalawa ng ex nya. I can still remember the guy's name. Si August.

Inisa-isa ko parin ang mga pictures kahit na hindi ko gusto.

One picture made my heart race. A picture of Daniela and August. He is hugging her from the back. Pero hindi yon ang ikinabilis ng takbo ng puso ko because when I zoomed the photo, I saw the same earring! I immediately check the following pictures. They're closer to the camera this time kaya the earring becomes clearer. I check the next picture and it gives me chill. She's showing the earrings na nasa box parin as if it was a gift.

The caption says:

"I will cherish this earring because you gave it."

August was tagged on that post. Pagkakita na pagkakita ko ng picture na yon ay dinampot ko ang hikaw saka umalis.

It's already dusk and ngayon ko lang na realized na sobrang tagal ko pala na naghahalungkat ng proweba. Nang dumating ako ng hospital, mabilis kong ipinark ang sasakyan.

That moment, lumabas si Rhein. Suot nya ang laboratory gown. May kasama syang lalaki.

Instead of leaving the car, nanatili ako na nakamasid.

They were smiling while talking. When they got nearer, napansin ko kung sino yung lalaki na kasama nya.

Her ex-boyfriend na nakita ko on her photographs not too long ago. August.