Since Childhood

10: Rhein's Top Secret

Tim pulled me closer, tighter and he never left my lips. My eyes still wide open. I can’t see anything in the darkness of this hotel room. His lips felt so soft, so smooth and perfect on mine. I’ve never been in this situation. Not even with August. August!

Malakas kong itinulak si Tim papalayo sa akin dahil sa bigla kong naalala si August. This can’t be happening. I have a boyfriend. I am committed and so is he.

“Amanda, why? What’s wrong?”

I’m not Amanda. I want to say that but I lost my tongue and my capability to speak. Because if I speak, he will find out who I am. And if he found out that he kissed a different girl, which is me, everything between us will change. Not that I don’t want him to go away but our friendship is important for me.

Iniyuko ko ang ulo ko saka bahagyang lumakad papalayo.

“Amanda,” he called.

I’m not Amanda! Why can’t you tell on your own who is Amanda and me?!

Without speaking, I walk away. I walk pass him but he gripped on my wrist, he secure that I’m not going anywhere and then he crushed my body against him.

Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. It feels like it’ll explode anytime. One more minute on this room with Tim would lead to huge mistake. Yakap ako ni Tim ng sobrang higpit. At sa sobrang higpit ng yakap nya ay halos sumikip na yung dibdib ko, it makes me difficult to breath. His hug made me wanted to stay, and steal Amanda’s identity for the whole night. I’d been dreaming of this scenario where I was in his warm and strong arms. He is pulling me close, conveying a message that he don’t want me to leave. Where it was just him and me, where darkness don’t makes me afraid but overwhelmed.

“Akala ko hindi ka na dadating,” Timothy cried. Each second, lalong humihigpit ang yakap nya.

I started crying silently. He thought I was Amanda. The girl he love, the girl he is committed with. But it is I. Rhein. Not Amanda. Why can’t you tell?

Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang paglayo ni Tim ng katawan nya sa katawan ko. He push me gently while his hands are on my shoulders. Then his right hand move slowly, from my shoulder to my neck and to my chin. Every trace of his skin left me burning. He clipped my chin on his thumb and forefinger, he lead my head up. It was dark but I still could see his face, his eyes that says he was lonely and now relieved. His nose, lips, hair that is so dark as the night.

Ang kabila nyang kamay ay gumapang papunta sa aking beywang. Then he pulled me closed to him. Gently, he placed his lips on mine. I closed my eyes and felt the tears quickly falling, draining my eyes.

It was such a sweet start, his lips just resting above mine. Turning into something else. He no longer hug me because hug is done gently and carefully unlike what he’s doing. He is clutching me, his hold onto my body is very firm, very tight. At masakit ang pagkakahawak nya sa beywang ko.

From his sweet and sensitive kiss, it changed. He is moving his lips in a pattern that I couldn’t comprehend. I don’t know that tongue can be a tool for igniting up a sleeping desire other than it’s usual function which is tasting. He move his lips along with his tongue. They are moving in harmony. And here I am, slowly falling at his mercy and at this breathtaking dilemma.

He explore my mouth using his soft and expert tongue. I don’t know when I started to respond but I was moving along with the rhythm and sound that we’re creating through the kiss. My hand lay above his broad shoulder and the other one was at his hair. Grabbing fistful of his hair as we continue to taste each other’s mouth.

I’m getting drunk. Para akong malalasing sa pinagsasaluhan naming halik. No matter how many times I remind myself that I’m just a naive and dependent 18 years old bitch, I still can’t pull away and maybe just run away from this darkness.

Almost breathless, we broke the kiss. We could hear each other’s breath.

“I love you, baby” he said.

I lost my own mind and my heart took in charge, I replied, “I love you too.”
At first, akala ko malalaman ni Tim na hindi ako si Amanda because of the voice. I knew that Timothy know the difference between my voice and Amanda’s. Pero hindi pala don matatapos ang gabing to.

Hindi dito matatapos ang gabing ito dahil gamit ang pareho nyang kamay ay hinila nya ako papalapit. And for the third time, he claimed my lips. I was blown away. I couldn’t control myself at this rate no more. Desire and lust have the power right now and the concept of mistake is slowly fading away from my mind.
With locked lips, me and Tim lay down on the bed. My back touching the soft and bouncy mattress.

His hand started traveling underneath my T-shirt. Every skin-to-skin contact is leaving a burning trace. Until his hand travel further, his hand went underneath my brassiere and then he feel my bare flesh. That brings cold shiver and tingling sensation in my whole body. Tim gave my flesh a soft squeeze. I moaned at the pleasure and pain of his touch.

He was on top of me, deepening his kiss every time I open my mouth to moan.

The moon shines bright upon us. Tim broke the kiss. Moment have passed and he came back to me with a bare torso. I can feel the hair of his skin, the sweat of his naked body. It added spice to what I’m feeling. Or maybe what we both are feeling right now.

Timothy helped me sitting up, when I’m already sitting, he searched for the hem of my shirt and when he found it, he pull it up, taking it off my body.

“I’m under influence of alcohol, if you don’t want this to happen, we could just stop right here, right now.” He mumbled.

If you were under the influence of alcohol, I think I’m under the influence of lust. At this very moment, I do not acknowledge the word “stop”. I just can’t.

Imbes na salita ang maging sagot ko kay Tim ay lumuhod ako para mapantayan ko sya. Tapos ay inikawit ko ang kamay ko sa balikat at batok nya. I pulled him close as I desire and then this time, I initiated the kiss.

He lift me up and them made me sat at his lap where I could feel his erection. It feels uncomfortable and exciting. I don’t know. Natututliro ang isip ko. Pati ang nararamdaman ko’y hindi ko na din maintindihan.

Dahan-dahang hinaplos ni Tim ang likod ko and he unhooked my bra. My breast, not too big, just enough for a teenage girl, swung in the air. Mabuti na lang at madilim. This will be embarrassing if there’s a presence of light.

The next thing he stripped was my pants, and the rest of my undies. And then he started taking off his clothes. He brought me to laying position and yes. We did it. Ginawa naming dalawa yon dahil ang alam nya ay ako si Amanda. We had sex and he didn’t have an idea that it was me.

I don’t know if I’m gonna regret it later pero wala na eh. Nakuha na nya at ibinigay ko naman. As long as this will remain secret, everything will be fine. Walang ibang nakakaalam. Walang ibang makakaalam. Tanging ako lang. Not even Timothy himself.