Since Childhood

22: Fight & Confession

“Why are you lying, Rhein? Why the hell are you lying?!”

Natahimik ako ng bahagya dahil sa sobrang pagkagulat. His outburst was followed by another. He have the control on the situation kaya naman sumagot na din ako with a high voice.

“Ano pa bang silbi na malaman mo ngayon?! That was 12 freaking years ago! May magbabago ba kung nalaman mo?! Babalik ba yung nawala sa atin pareho? Huh, Tim?! Hinde! I’m keeping all those for myself dahil alam ko na gugulo lang ang lahat. Just like what’s happening right now. Bakit, Tim? Akala mo ba madali? Akala mo ba madali ang magtago ng ganoon kalaking sikreto?! Every time I see you, I feel uncomfortable! I feel nervous! I’m becoming crazy!”

“Kung nahihirapan ka, then you should have told me on the first place!” He retorted. He don’t get my point. Madali lang sabihin, pero hindi nya alam na sobrang mahirap gawin. Sobrang hirap lalo pa’t ako ang babae. At nung panahon na yon we are way too young and we are committed to someone else. Timothy continued releasing his anger. “O kaya sana sinabi mon ang gabing yon na it was you! Why didn’t you run away instead?! You are aware of the situation and I’m not!”

“So kasalanan ko pa ngayon?”

“Bakit? Hindi ba? Ako ba? Ako pa ang may kasalanan?” He glare at me. Every time na sisigaw sya ay nanlilisik ang mata nya dahil sa galit.

“I can’t believe you, Tim.” I started crying.

He makes me feel so ashamed of myself. Makes me feel so small and degraded. Ni minsan ay hindi ko naramdaman ang ganitong panliliit.

Warm tears are continuously falling.

I want this argument to end without any single tear coming from my eyes but I just couldn’t.

“We spent half of our lives together, Tim. I know you so damn well. Isang rinig ko lang sa boses mo kilala na agad kita. From afar, even though nakatalikod ka, alam ko na agad na ikaw yon. I can identify you in so many ways pero bakit ikaw? Bakit hindi mo nakilala nang gabing yon? You heard my voice. You locked eyes with me. You kissed my lips. You did more than those pero hindi mo ako nakilala, Tim. Not even once. Why?” Despite of my shaking voice, I manage to let it out.

Tim become silent all of a sudden. It seem like he’s thinking of what to say.

Napaksimpleng tanong but he cannot give me an answer. Maybe because I never matter to him.

Kung ako ang tatanungin nya, I’ll give him endless valid reason because I don’t want to hurt him.

“I regretted everthing, Timothy.” Pagpapatuloy ko. The secret has come out kaya bakit hindi ko na lubos-lubusing ilabas ang tinatago ko? Still with teary eyes, I admitted, “I regretted falling in love with you at a very young age.”

I saw how he step back because he never expect that to come out. He became stiff, his eyes holds bewilderment. His reaction tells me that he didn’t want my love. His face tells me that it was all wrong.

Tama nga sya. I should have told him earlier. I should have confessed before para sana naka move on na ako. If I did this before, maybe the past will no longer matter now. Maybe just like the rest of the people at my age, maybe masaya na rin ako with my husband and my children.

“Sige, sabihin na natin na kasalanan ko, Tim. But you can’t blame it all on me. If you never talk to me, if you never show fake concern, I wouldn’t fall in love. And if you keep your distance kagaya nina kuya Gael at Hirro, I will not hope that maybe that night will change anything between us. I never regret so much in my life as to how I’m regretting right now.”

When I left the kitchen, I run upstairs going to my room. Siguro sobrang nagulat si Tim because he remained standing at the doorway of the kitchen. He didn’t move.