Since Childhood

25: Over Time

“So, anong plano mo?” tanong ni Fatima saken. Pagkahatid nya sa panganay nya sa Day Care Center ay dumiretso sya sa hospital to meet me. She heard the news about my marriage with Tim and she was astonished and happy. She’s worried as well dahil sinabi ko din na hindi kami magkaayos ni Tim.

We are at the rooftop of hospital. There are many plants and flowers in here perfect para sa mga patients na gusto magrelax. Kasama namin sa rooftop ang ibang mga pasyente. Some of them are walking on their own, ang iba ay mga bata pa na binabantayan ng kanilang magulang while some are sitting on their wheel chair and they enjoy the fresh air as well as the company of the flowers and greens.

Fatima and I are sitting in a wooden bench far from the patients. The weather is nice, the view too. Buhay ko na lang talaga ang magulo.

After my long silence, sinagot ko si Fatima.

“Wala akong plano, Fat.”

“You’re still addressing on that stupid nickname. Ginagawa mo akong mataba eh!” She snapped. Obviously, she no longer wanted to be call that way.

“Fine. I don’t have any plan, Fatima.” I corrected her name this time.

“Bat naman wala?” She asked again.

“Kailangan bang may gawin ako? Nung huling may ginawa ako that matters between Tim and I nagkagulo ang lahat and we ended up marrying each other because of our families. Baka kapag may ginawa na naman ako, baka ikamatay na namin parehas.” Natawa pa ako sa sarili kong biro. But Fatima seem to take that seriously.

“Wag ka magbiro ng ganya, Rhein.” Her face was dead serious.

“That was a joke.” I turned serious too. “Actually, Fatima, I’m only joking now because I’m so tired of being so serious. Lately I’d been overthinking. Ang dami-dami kong iniisip. I don’t know how I’m managing to separate my personal problem to my job pero pakiramdam ko hindi magtatagal maaapektuhan na din tong trabahao ko.”

Bumuntong hininga si Fatima. “Rhein. Why don’t you look at the situation’s brighter side? Masyado ka kasing nagf-focus sa kamalian ng sitwasyon eh. Take your kuya Davien’s marriage with you ate Avah as an example. Diba ang kwento mo saken, they get married without love involved? Kasi nabuntis ng kuya mo ang sister-in-law mo? But look at them now, although I only seen them twice, I know that they are happily married now because I’m feeling the same thing. You know what, kung hindi mo lang ko-kontrahin ang sitwasyon, I swear, things will be develop and you will understand each other better than before.”

I look at Fatima with submissive eyes. Tama naman sya eh. All the things that she’d said was true and correct but I still couldn’t forget the fact that Tim are moving on his own na hindi ako inaalam. Gumagawa kasi sya ng mga mabibigat na desisyon na dapat pinag-uusapan muna namin bago nya gawin.

I stayed still. Fatima’s words are sinking into my mind hanggang sa marinig naming parehas ang announcement after a bell. The speakers at every corner of the hospital disseminated the information. My department is looking for me. No reason was clarified pero para i-announce yon instead of sending nurse to look for me, I think that’s emergency.

“I’m so sorry, Fatima.” I mumbled dahil maiiwan ko sya mag-isa.

“It’s okay. Aalis na din naman ako because my baby is waiting at home.” She smiled at me and I feel less bothered.

“Thank you, for the advice. I’ll try to take them seriously. But I can’t promise to make it happen.”

“The decision is yours, Rhein. Oh, sige na. Baka mapagalitan ka pa.”

After Fatima shove me, I run heading to the elevator. I immediately went to my department as to why am I being called. It was about my patient who gave birth last night. Bigla na lang daw sya dinugo and her system are growing weaker. I attended to it real quick.

For the following days and weeks, I dedicated myself to my career. Madalas ako nag o-over time lalo na kapag nalalaman kong nasa bahay si Tim or si tito Joe. It’s so funny. My wedding is approaching but I’m not feeling excited at all. Kagaya ng wedding nina kuya Davien and Noah, mom is managing mine. Ilang beses na syang nagset ng gown fitting pero hindi ko naman napupuntahan because I’m so busy to my work.

Today is legal holiday kaya naman sinamantala na ni mama ang pagkakataon na sya na mismo ang magdala sa akin for the gown fitting. My wedding won’t be as big as kuya Davien and ate Avah’s, nor kuya Noah and ate Mel’s. The night na pumayag ako sa kasal, I set one condition. I wanted to get a civil wedding not church wedding. I’m saving my church wedding kung sakali man na hindi kami mag work ni Tim. I know that there’s not much of a difference pero iba parin kasi ang kasal sa simbahan.

Mom already made an agreement with a catering service, to a resort where the wedding reception will takes place. I also heard she already get a schedule with a judge who will lead the wedding. Nakagawa na din ng invitations, yung iba naimbita na. Nakakuha na din daw ng photographer, sound system operators, etc. Everything is ready to go. Ang lahat ng gastos ay pinaghatian ng family namin and ni Tim. More or less nasa 100,000 pesos ang nagastos. It’s more lesser than the previous wedding of my brothers.

Habang sinusukatan ako ng katawan ay hindi matigil si mama sa paga-advice on how to be a good wife, how to manage a home. She’s telling me everything in advance and I don’t seem to appreciate all of what she’s sharing.

“I still can’t believe that you are getting married as well, Daniela.” Medyo natahimik si mama. I can sense that she’s not yet ready to let me go. For 30 years I was her baby. Buong buhay ko we are living under the same roof kaya siguro ganito sya. The last measurement that the woman get from my body was the length from my heel to my waist. Tapos non ay umalis yung nagsusukat. “But I’m happy that you are marrying a decent man, anak. Hindi na iba si Timothy sa pamilya natin. And we know him for decades. Bata palang kayo ay may kutob na akong you are perfect for each other. Maybe a mother’s instinct will never be wrong.” A tear escaped her eyes. With a smile, she wipe her tears dry. Natawa pa sya because she thought she’s acting over dramatic.

Noon ganon din ang iniisip ko. Sometimes mom is overly dramatic but now I understand her. She love me so much as equal to the love she have for my brothers and for dad. She’s the greatest of all time. Because of her, I doubt myself. Will I ever be as great as her in terms of married life? Magagawa ko kayang pahalagahan tong papasukin kong mundo if my husband and I will hate each other?

I hug mom passionately and told her that she have nothing to worry about.

“Tim and I will live happily, ma.” I assured although hindi ko alam sa sarili ko kung mangayayari nga ba yan.

Time flies. The wedding approached and I thought I’m ready for it pero niloloko ko lang pala yung sarili ko. The night before the wedding day, nag over time ako sa hospital kahit na sinabihan na ako ni mama na huwag nang pumasok for the preparations.

My heart pump damn hard in my chest habang naka-upo sa loob ng opisina ko.

I want to back out. However, it is too late now because tomorrow when the sun rise from the east, everything will change. I will be tied in a marriage that lacks love but full of hate.