Book 2 Season's Change Spring's Revenge

Part 17 the Confessions of a Mad Prince

He just stood, motionless in the mouth of the cave looking out into the trees. In just one season, he had come to call the place home. He had found peace there, met a Goddess, lost and found his life, learned what it was to be a warrior, a true hunter, and an honest friend. How much more would he learn in that cave and on the surrounding grounds? If he left, he would never know, but he had to go, and he knew it. They could not remain there and accomplish anything other than a whole lot of wrong. They would be remiss if they did not follow through with their current agenda and he would be a liar and worthless if he did not honor his words.

His words. His words had landed him in the trouble he was in, in the first place. If he had not given her his word, he would be well on his way north and home. But! He had given her his word and he had to honor it. He had given her other words that he should not have given her too. She did not need to know the inner workings of his heart or the emotions he did not understand that he was carrying for her. He felt much like he didn't need to know them either. He found himself just as angry with his own stupid heart as he was with that demon spawn. Perhaps a little more. He was supposed to be in control of his heart. He knew better. Knew better than to give it away. His heart was promised to another and yet he had given it to Katana. There was no mistaking that for him. He knew it to be as true as Winter is deadly. Katana held his heart. His body was promised to another as well. Would he give that to Katana too? There was no denying that he wanted to. He felt the pull every day. He vanquished the temptation he felt every time he felt it. Would he one day fail to resist the urge to explore those things with her? Those eyes and what lies behind them, they were almost too much. What then would he do? He would never be able to return home. NEVER. He would be a disgrace to his family, a dishonorable and worthless man. His word would mean nothing. He would be nothing. He wondered how strong he honestly was. Would he be strong enough should they need to stay together in that small space, living, training, sleeping, and breathing in such close proximity? He didn't need to worry. They would not remain where they were much longer.

He and Katana would be leaving their home to go on the hunt for justice. Or was it revenge? It felt like revenge to him. He didn't feel like he was ready to leave that place. He wasn't certain that he was ready to chase down the demon spawn brigand that he had promised he would. He wasn't prepared to catch him. He was certain to kill him in cold blood. Revenge remained on his mind. Hatred in his heart.

He found that hatred grew every day as he continued to fail to achieve his goals. Physically he was whole, powerful, and strong. Emotionally he was unbalanced and unprepared for the challenges he was facing. Maybe, if he had the opportunity to face them one at a time then he'd have an easier go of it? But he was trying to tackle several new, difficult and unfamiliar emotions all at once.

He'd never known anger so deep that he could not shake it off. He was angry; angrier than a mother bear would be if you got near her cubs. It was inexplicable to him and inexcusable. He had been taught better, taught how to handle his emotions and keep them balanced. His father and instructor would be so ashamed of him. He was out there on his Sacred Quest. He was supposed to be learning what it meant to be a man and there he was caught up in anger, hatred, a love he shouldn't feel, and looking for revenge rather than forgiveness. He was a mess, a broken and confused mess of a boy.

He closed his eyes again and sought balance. He slowed his breathing until it was just a slow deep and steady movement of his chest. He focused and found the slight breeze to be a comfort on his skin. He caught the scent of the trees' blossoms on the air and bathed in their warm and comforting scent. The breeze moved his hair tickling his neck and ears. It was a distraction. He pushed the thoughts aside and redoubled his focus. He heard the small insects buzzing nearby and others gnawing on the bark of the trees that sustained them.

Avriel's mind drifted back to where it had just come from and the darkness of his loathing consumed him. He did not know why. Why he hated that man, he was not a man, as strongly as he did. Was it because he saw the results of the beast's work in someone he knew? Would he feel differently if he had not seen the pain and the hurt and heartbreak in Katana's eyes? Would he feel differently if it were someone else? If he stayed there too long, he'd just get angrier. He moved on.

He loathed that creature like nothing or anyone he had ever disliked. What he felt was much, much more than dislike. It was hatred as honest and pure as fresh-fallen snow and just as deep as the winter is cold. That was not an emotion Avriel was accustomed to. Sure, he knew anger, had been angry, very angry. But he had never been so angry that it consumed him every time he closed his eyes. He'd never known anger that led to the desire for revenge. Never wanted anyone dead. Avriel wanted revenge; he wanted that brigand dead. That was plain and simple. He knew it. He just did not understand it. He didn't understand his feelings toward that horrible excuse of a human any more than he understood the way he had grown to feel about Katana.

Avriel was uncertain as to which emotion tripped him up more. His anger and hatred for a man he had never met or the love he held for the woman he knew. It was tough to choose between them. But those feelings, the ones he had for Katana. He knew better. He was not supposed to have them. He had no right to feel them. Yet, there they were filling his heart and his mind day after day. He was promised to another. If he could hate a man he'd never met why could he not love a woman he hadn't? He did not love the woman that was to be his wife. He was supposed to love her, yet he loved another. He had fallen in love with Katana. He needed to get away, out of his current situation so he could think, clear his head and his heart before he crossed any more lines where Katana was concerned but the thought of living without her by his side left him hollow and hurting. It choked him up at night and brought silent tears to his eyes. What he needed and what he wanted were two very different things. He did not understand. HOW? How had he fallen in love with Katana? He was aware of the promise that he had made. But he loved Katana anyway. Why?