Married To Baseball

Really, Dude?

Jailyn~

Getting into our house, I barely let us make it past the door before I'm clinging to Christian, letting every emotion I've been holding out. Sobbing into my husband, he holds onto me just as tightly as I'm clinging to him. How fucking selfish am I? Maddy's known and been planning on having this baby for eleven weeks, and she could tell me the day she loses it, yet I couldn't tell Christian for a month about the ectopic. Something we'd never even talked about, all because I was stuck on some bullshit the dude before him pulled. Christian deserved so much better.

"I'm so sorry," I choke out, sobbing into him. This is so unfair, and I can't believe my selfishness.

"Shh," Christian soothes, rubbing my back gently, "JJ, hey, what are you apologizing for?"

"I should've told you," I sob out, feeling the worst I ever have about the whole thing. "You deserved to know. I'm sorry."

"JJ, hey," He says, still gentle, now less confused. His hand strokes my hair gently as he talks, "You were twenty-one, and we'd never even talked about kids. It's okay."

"It's not okay," I reply, near hysterics as I do.

"Neither one of us knew or was planning for it," He replies, still trying to calm me down, "You told me when you were ready, and that's all I could've asked for. It's okay."

"Would you stop just saying it's okay?" I ask, getting frustrated as I push off of him, "You deserved to know. You deserved to be there if you wanted to be. You didn't deserve me fucking ignoring you for a month."

"Jai," He says, a little bit of his confusion from before coming back, "Why are you so upset over this? It's been over three years. Yeah, it sucks that it happened, but there's nothing that we could've done about it." He's frustrated, even if he's trying not to let it show, "You did what you felt you needed to do. Again, we were never planning for it. You told me when you could."

"That doesn't mean it didn't matter," I reply, almost yelling at him now. How can he just act like it was okay? "Christian, that would've been our kid. They could've been three years old right now. We would've never broken up for that year, and you'd have never been with Shelby. I should've told you."

Running a hand through his hair, I can tell he's trying his best not to get upset with me right now. "What do you want me to say right now, Jai? That I'm mad at you? That you're right, you should've told me? What's that help?"

"I don't fucking know," I yell back, throwing my hands up and letting them fall quickly, frustrated. "It'd show me that you actually fucking care! Every time we've sort of talked about it, you've always told me it's okay and brushed it off."

"Because I know how much it hurt you!" He replies, his frustration showing through a little more than before. "Jai, I know where your head was at, and I hate that it was there, and I hate that some jackass made you think like that, but what the hell are we supposed to do about it now?"

Even though him acknowledging that he knows where my head was back then makes me feel that much worse, I chose to ignore it as I respond, "Just because it hurt me doesn't mean it didn't hurt you! I'm wrong sometimes, and I do shit that I shouldn't, and you just let it fucking slide. A lot of the time, I know when I fuck up, but you just don't fucking care!"

"Jailyn," He scolds, getting angry now as he runs his hand through his hair, "Why the fuck would I fight with you over it when most of the shit you do is little? And like you said, you know when you fuck up. What's the point of being mad at you if it's not going to matter in five minutes?"

"Because it's not little shit all of the time!" I yell back, getting an eyebrow raised at me. Neither one of us has ever really yelled at the other. Leave it to me to be the first.