Married To Baseball

I Can't Fix It.

Jailyn~

"You can't keep things from me," Christian says almost as soon as the bedroom door is shut behind us. "Not shit like this."

"Christian," I start.

"Don't," He says, cutting me off. He doesn't exactly seem angry, more annoyed than anything. "I get what you were trying to do, and why, but you can't keep shit like this from me."

"I know," I tell him, pushing my hair back, "I just didn't want to make you worry."

He almost laughs, looking a little shocked at my comment, "Yeah, and the police showing up at our house, at eight in the morning, isn't going to make me worry."

"How was I supposed to know they were going to show up?" I ask, not sure what to even say at this point. "They pulled me out after the game and talked to me; I didn't expect more than that."

"Is that where you went?" Christian asks, seemingly veering towards being more angry. Another thing I didn't tell him. Being realistic with myself, I get why he's mad. I'd be mad too if the roles were reversed, somehow it still doesn't feel like telling him last night would've been the right thing.

"Yeah," I admit, "What was I supposed to say, Christian? Hey, congrats, by the way, my ex-boyfriend just murdered his girlfriend? What difference would that have made?" 

"I'd have known." 

"And what would that have changed? We both got to worry and be stressed, rather than being able to celebrate one of the biggest accomplishments of your career? What would you have done in my position?" I ask, maybe more aggressively than I should've, everything starting to settle on me. My whole body is tense and I can't help the fidgeting in my hands. "Christian, I don't know what the hell I'm even supposed to think right now. How the fuck am I supposed to tell you what's going on when I can't even wrap my head around it myself?" 

"I don't know, JJ." His tone is softer now, picking up on my anxiety. "Are you okay?" 

"I don't know," I tell him honestly, "I don't know what to think or how to feel. Between the guilt, and fear, there's some aspect of relief and that makes me feel even more guilty." Christian stands up as I'm pushing my hands through my hair for the millionth time this morning. Wrapping his arms tightly around me, he kisses the top of my head as I reciprocate his hug. A couple of tears slipping out of my eyes for the first time. 

"Why do you feel guilty?" Christian asks. 

"Because I didn't do more. When things ended between us, I was too brainwashed to know what had happened. When she reached out, I didn't fight for her to leave. I never told her that I've always thought he'd get to this point. There was this misguided hope that he'd have changed. But I was wrong, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do knowing that." 

Hugging me tighter, I don't think he knows what to say as I crumble further, crying even more as the words keep coming out. "Then on top of that, somehow I feel this immense amount of relief because he won't be able to hurt anyone else, but it took him murdering someone to get to this point. How the hell am I not supposed to feel guilty about that?"  

Christian's hand rubs up and down my back gently, kissing my head once again as I continue to cry into him. Everything seems to hit me for the first time. "Jai, he took so much from you and is finally getting some sort of repercussions. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for being relieved that he can't hurt anyone else. You did what you could, and you can't feel bad about not doing more. It's not your job to protect anyone." 

Taking a breath, I nod, knowing I can't say anything else. Regardless of what he says, it won't help as much as I know he's trying. As obvious as it is that he's right, the feelings don't just go away.