Married To Baseball

Hey Hotshot.

Jailyn~

I sway with Christian his hands and arms resting around my waist as he stands behind me both of us knowing how much different this party could be for us now. All the girls are here as are a few of Christians former teammates and their wives, all here to celebrate our Olympic Gold Medal win. This is crazy. Holding my beer by the neck of the bottle I take a drink as I wave to Lindy and Travis as they make their way over to Christian and me.

"Hey hotshot, remember when you were the superstar?" Travis teases Christian grabbing his shoulder giving him a little shit, "Congrat Jai, you continue to show everyone just how badass you are and which one of you two really wears the pants."

I laugh and shake my head, Christian is laughing too behind me. "Thanks, Travis. I didn't realize there was much question there though," I reply with a wink. They all laugh as I smile a little taking another drink. It's kinda bittersweet, it's a hell of a way to go out but we're not going to be able to do shit like this as often when we add a kid into things.

"Oh no," Travis comments, "There definitely wasn't the moment you showed him up batting at Miller Park. Even if you two weren't dating at that point." Travis rolls his eyes with a smile as he gives us shit for neither of us committing to the other at the time.

Moose and Steph find their way over to us as well before soon enough Ryan and Larisa are in our circle too. It's a whole little Brewers reunion huh? All of us talk for a little bit me thanking everyone for their congratulations and then the subject turning into talking about anything from sports to little bits of gossip, to what Christians plan from here is seeing as after next year could very easily be his last. Christian lets on a little that he'd be happy with it being his last, bringing up how much it's kinda sucked being away from me for so long. I don't know that either of us wants to let people know we're planning on trying right now until it's actually a thing. I'm not even sure all my shit still works after the ectopic, like the doctor at the time said it shouldn't affect it, but I can't imagine how missing that whole tube now wouldn't. Wow, this is a lot to think about.

Once there's a lull in the conversation I tap Christian's hand to get him to let go of me, "I'm gonna grab another beer, you want anything?"

"I'm good," He responds giving me a little nod. I look at everyone else and they all seem to be fine and not need anything right now.

"Alright, I'll be back," I comment before finding my way through the people to grab another bottle from the cooler right outside the garage door.

I get out the door and let it shut behind me, it's a lot cooler out here than it was inside. Letting out a small breath I pull open the lid of the cooler and grab another bottle and use the opener on the side of the cooler to pop the top off before tossing it in the little bucket that's been provided by Ryan I'm sure. The quiet of the garage right now in comparison to the booming noise that's been following me seemingly all day now is incredibly calming as my mind sort of races through everything.

Life is about to change drastically for me and Christian if everything goes how we want it to. If I end up getting pregnant in these next few months everything is going to change. There's no way that it doesn't when you bring a new life into the world. It's a huge fucking step and I don't know how to even begin to really prepare for it, is there even a way to really prepare for it? I sigh and sit on top of the cooler running my hand through my hair as I look at my feet. Am I even fully ready for this? I'm twenty-nine now, Christian is thirty-six. We can't exactly put it off any longer. If we have a kid now I'll be forty-eight when they'd turn eighteen and Christian would be fifty-five. My mom was fifty when she died and I was eighteen. I never want to put my kid in that same situation.

Jesus when did I become so freaking emotional about stuff like this. I wipe under my eyes and take a deep breath trying to reel everything back in. Both Christian and I are a lot healthier than my mom was, we're both very active and both have relatively healthy diets pretty much with the exception of my drunken chicken nugget ventures. I've got my mental shit under control, and Christian and I don't have any issues underlying or otherwise. What if that changes throwing a kid into the mix? Fuck Jai, just stop overthinking this all before you get yourself all worked up over nothing. Just because shit happened in my life with my family doesn't mean it's going to happen for my kids.

Taking a drink I set my bottle on the floor between my feet as I hold my head in my hands resting my elbows on my knees. I just need to calm back down a little before heading back in. I just focus on my breathing mostly trying to keep it steady and help calm my racing heart rate right now. The door opens and I jump not expecting it and I'm met with Christian laughing slightly as he comes out before he catches on to how I'm feeling.

"Hey," He says softly shutting the door behind him and crouching on the step to get eye level with me, "What's up, are you okay?"

Nodding I meet his eyes and force a little smile, "I'm just in my head. Today's been a lot for so many reasons. I was fine and then I got out here and everything was just calm for the first time in like over a week and I actually had the chance to think about everything and it's," I shake my head slightly, "It's a lot."

"What's getting to you?" Christian asks sitting down on the step now to talk to me resting his arms on his knees holding his hands together as he looks at me.

"Kinda everything," I comment with a little scoff, "Just how different our lives are going to be if everything works out and I get pregnant now. The fact that today could easily have been my last game ever. I'm happy with it if it was, but it's scary having to let it go."

"No one says you have to let it go JJ," Christian says scooting forward a little to rest his hands on my legs, "If you're not ready, there's nothing wrong with that we've still got a lifetime with each other to figure it out."

I laugh slightly and shake my head, "Babe, I'm going to be thirty next year. There isn't that much more time to figure it out. Especially since I'm already missing a fallopian tube, supposedly it doesn't affect anything but I don't see how it wouldn't."

"Well then maybe kids just aren't for us," Christian says trying to make me feel better even though that's not really the issue right now.

I groan a little frustrated not knowing how to put out what I'm thinking or rationalize it right now, "It's not that I don't want to have kids. I just," I sigh, "I don't even know there's just a lot that goes into having a kid and I know shit is going to change bringing a kid into the world no matter how prepared we could be for it. I'm ready to make that move and there's not going to be a time when I'm more ready to, it's just a big thing."

Christian nods agreeing with me, "Yeah," he sighs, "It is, but I know it's something we can handle. We've been able to handle everything up until now and probably a lot more than most couples ever have to." Scoffing as I nod, he's damn right there. "I know that it's a huge thing, and it's a significantly harder process for you than me. I promise though that I'm going to be there for every part of it and if you want to go back to playing softball after we have a kid or even next season still. I'm here to support you through it all. As much as I would love to have a baby with you, your happiness is far more important to me."

Smiling a little I nod, "You're like way too damn good to me dude it's not even fair."

"I definitely can't agree with you on that one," Christian replies returning my smile, "No matter what happens and how things pan out, as long as I've got you, I'll be more than happy. Now, we should probably head back in before people start to notice we're gone and come looking."

I laugh and take his hand as he stands up and helps me up before he pulls my arm around him leaning down and kissing me. Whatever comes next, I'm sure as hell glad I have him to go through it all with.