Married To Baseball

I'm Not Sure He Knew They Could Have One

Jailyn~

"This is insane," I comment as Christian and I pull into the packed parking lot of the Waukesha County Courthouse. There's an almost obscene media presence waiting, the cameras all fixed on Christian's car. "I doubt this place has had a fraction of this chaos in its lifetime." 

Nodding, Christian pulls into an open spot; he seems more stressed than I am. "Yeah, not sure it's every day there's a case like this." Looking at me, he asks, "You okay?" 

"Yeah," I reply, "The media presence is less than ideal, but I can't control that." Squeezing my hand a moment with a reassuring smile before stepping out of the car first. The immediate commotion brings my anxiety to a peak. Everyone is about to get to know way more about me than I'd ever liked and it's scary to think about, especially if things somehow don't go our way.  

Before I can gather my thoughts, Christian opens my door and offers me a hand. Taking it gratefully, I don't let it go as we start our way up to the courthouse. Holding my hand tightly, Christian leads the way up the steps as we ignore every question. Noticing the commotion, one of the uniformed officers, who had been manning the door, comes to escort us through the crowd. This is fucking crazy. Until now, I've never even considered personal security a necessity, but that's quickly changing. 

Once safely inside the courthouse, Christian and I can't help but share a look, both sharing the same concern after the frenzy we just encountered. Taking a breath, I look around seeing the clusters of people around, little groups of people all here to witness the trial.

"Jailyn," Jessica calls, waving Christian and me over. Giving her a quick smile, I take the lead to meet her. Even as Jessica embraces me tightly, Christian doesn't let my hand go. I'd be lying if I said I minded. "Thank you for being here, and for having the courage to be a part of this." 

"Of course," I reply, "Thank you for believing in my case." 

"Of course," She says with a soft smile. "Everyone is just inside if you'd like to join. It's up to you, but Olivia's parents wanted to talk with you." 

Why? My heart starts pounding in my chest. What do I even say to them? They're going through something beyond unimaginable at the hands of someone that I survived. The guilt I've been working so hard to let go of starts to creep back in. After all they've been through, if they want to talk to me, I owe them that. 

Nodding, I force a smile as Christian squeezes my hand. Jessica gives me a reassuring smile before opening the door and ushering us in. The somber tone of the room looms in the air. It's clear most of the room is Olivia's family. I recognize a couple of people from the last couple of months, but for the most part, it seems to be mostly people going through the various stages of grief.

"Johnathan, Tonya," Jessica greets, starting the introductions, "This is Jailyn and her husband Christian." 

Seeing both of their faces breaks my heart even further. As put together as both of them look, neither looks like they've slept. Knowing how restless I've been, I can't even begin to imagine what it's been like for them. "Can I hug you?" Tonya asks, voice breaking at the end.

Nodding, it's everything in me not to break down with her. Wrapping her arms tightly around me, I can't help but embrace her just as tight. "I'm so sorry," I tell her, my voice breaking. "I'm sorry I didn't do more." 

"Oh, honey, no," She tells me, "you're doing more than we could have ever asked." Nodding into her, I continue to hug her as long as she needs. Both of us are very obviously emotional as we hold one another. "I'm sorry," She tells me, gaining some of her composure, "You never deserved even a fraction of what you went through. I'm grateful you're here." Sucking in a breath, I have to force back a sob. How is this woman here, comforting me, after losing her daughter? How is she telling me she's grateful I'm here when her daughter isn't? How did any of us have to end up here?