Married To Baseball

Communication.

Jailyn~

Slipping my heels off to the side, I lead the way into our house, straight into the kitchen to crack a bottle of wine. Both Christian and I know that this conversation could go a couple of ways. Why not continue to add on to the dinner drinks to keep the edge off? Grabbing out a pair of wine glasses, I meet Christian's watchful eye and give him a small smile. This topic is more complicated than it had been, and being honest with myself, I'm not even sure where my head's at anymore.

Passing Christian a glass, I take a sip of mine before starting, "How do we even start this conversation?" Christian chuckles, looking down into the red liquid in his glass. "Obviously, I'm sorry for how I handled everything, but you know that."

"Right," Christian agrees, pulling out one of our barstools and taking a seat before pulling out the one next to him for me. Making my way around the island, I sit in the chair he'd offered, setting the bottle of wine on the surface next to us between our glasses. "Well, I guess I have a newish question," Christian starts, looking at his glass a moment before looking back at me, "Where is your head at when it comes to kids?" Pursing my lips to the side, I nod, taking my turn to look at the liquid in my cup as I swirl it slightly. It's a little surprising that he's asking, but I feel like my reaction to everything last night made my previous thoughts on the topic not nearly as clear as they once were.

"Like," Christian starts again, "Up until last night, you'd been pretty clear where your head was at. I guess just how you reacted and how you were screaming at me about if I even wanted kids with you made that less clear."

Nodding, I take a sip before setting my glass to the side, "That's fair," I confirm. Pausing a moment, I can't be as sure of my answer as I had been. So many things have changed from where I used to be, to where I am now. Taking a breath, I formulate my reply, "If I'm being completely honest with you, and myself, I don't know." Christian nods, his brow furrowed. The slight confusion is evident on his face. "There are still a million things that I'm stuck on and terrified about when it comes to having kids. But, even with all of those things in mind, I can't stop myself from thinking of what our life would be like if we had a kid."

Christian purses his lips a moment, taking a drink himself as he takes in my answer. Continuing to speak, I keep Christian's attention, "It's a little more complicated than just a yes, I want to have a baby when the time is right, or no, I don't want to have a baby. As I'm sure you can attest, me, now at twenty-five, and me at twenty, are two pretty different people."

"I don't know that I'd say different," Christian replies, "You've just grown a lot. Probably more than most people do."

"Right," I agree, thinking about how my life and worldview has changed in a relatively short amount of time. "It's just complicated where my mind is at right now," I try to explain, "And I'm not fully sure how to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling."

"Are you worried about offending me?" Christian asks. Based on last night, I know he knows where my head has been and tends to still go from time to time. "Because you shouldn't be. You've been pretty open about where your head goes sometimes, and I don't fault you for it. I just don't know how productive this conversation will be if we're not being totally honest with one another."

"Right," I agree, even if it's still hard to want to openly express what's really holding me back. Shaking my head a little, all of my apprehensions from the trauma I went through with Nick, to losing my mom, to us having the careers that we do running through my head. The trauma from a relationship that hasn't mattered in seven years still stands out as one of the biggest things I'm stuck on. Being so stuck on that is even more frustrating because I don't want to hurt Christian by vocalizing that, even if he already sort of knows. This is the part I wanted the wine for. Taking my glass, I throw back what was still in it, making Christian chuckle before I pour another glass.