Citizen Z

Chapter 30

I couldn't fall asleep, I monitored Frank the entire night. I constantly sat there, holding his wrist or touching his neck, just constantly feeling for his pulse.

I'm just so scared it's going to stop.

I've been hysterically all night, I couldn't stop being upset. My emotions are all over the place. I know that I got him out of the danger zone but I'm still rattled.

It was just too much for me to handle, it was too close. I'm still in shock about how close I was to losing him. I never want to see him like that again, ever. I even feel traumatized.

Mikey has sat with me all night to try and comfort me, but he's fallen asleep next to me. He's exhausted himself, he was as upset as I am. He and Frank are good friends, they've really bonded over the last few months.

We've all become very close.

Frank silently snores as he sleeps and I gently caress his cheek. I yawn again and shake my head, trying to keep myself awake. I rub my eyes and stretch my neck to the sides. I'm stiff from sitting so uncomfortably all night

"It seems like someone is tired. You should get some sleep, you're exhausted," Ray says, putting his hand on my shoulder, "I'll monitor him, I'll make sure he's okay."

"No," I whimper, "I'm okay, a little less sleep won't do me any harm. I want to watch him, I need to make sure he's okay, with the morphine and all. Just to be sure, you know." I yawn and then rub my eyes.

Ray takes a deep breath.

"Gerard, you need to step back and take care of yourself too. You're not a hundred yourself yet. You need rest and you can only help him if you're healed, just let me watch him."

"I don't want to rest, Ray. I'm not a priority right now!" I growl through my sudden tears, "I have to...I-I..he's my responsibility. Its my fault that this happened-

"Gerard, this is not your fault! How could you even think that? If this was anyone's fault, it was mine. It was suppose to be my responsibility to protect him, but I couldn't. I did the best and I'll do the best I can now to make sure he's going to be okay. He's still my responsibility too, I care about him as much as you do. I'd do anything to get him better, you know that. You guys are my family."

"I know, I'm sorry." I whisper, avoiding eye contact with him.

I suddenly start start crying again, after I just started to control myself. I can't help myself, everything is too overwhelming.

I feel so embarrassed to always cry in front of Ray, I feel vulnerable and I only like to show that side of me to Frank. Ray and I have grown real close lately, we just seemed to bond about protecting the group and that brought us together. He's like a brother to me, in a different way, if you understand what I mean. Like the big brother I never had.

"Hey hey," Ray says and sits down next to me, taking my hand away from Frank's pulse, "I know how much this upset you, but you helped him survive. He's here because of you, you did a bloody good job, Gerard. You can be proud of yourself, you didn't give up on him."

"Flattering me won't make me feel better, I'll only feel better if he gets better"

"He will be okay now, I guarantee you that."

"You can promise that?" I whimper and look up at him with my tearful eyes.

"I promise you, I'll do everything in my power to make him better," Ray says and hugs me, "I think someone needs to relax and take a nap. We need you bright tomorrow, you have to help think of a way to get out of here. We need to move, and I think it would be a good idea to find a nice place to stay for a few days, just until the heat is off us."