Do-Over (A Jayy Von Monroe FanFic; BoTDF)

Chapter 6; "So Far From Where I Want To Be."

I got up and began walking around again, itching to be doing anything outside of my thoughts. My feet got used to the path quickly, so I had to keep changing it so it would distract me.

Still, I couldn't hold it back for long and my mind started to rush again, my thoughts unconsciously spoken. "Why did I even say that? I was fine - well, I was dealing until I ran my fucking mouth. And that's what's worse," I said with a sigh. "I didn't run it, I just said one thing, one 'true' thing even. It was just the one true thing that also happened to hurt me...

"Of all the stupid things to say God damn it..." I ran my hand through my hair and turned on my laptop, cranking the music so I would think instead of talk, maybe even stop thinking altogether.

Switching to thinking worked, but my thoughts were almost worse.

"Oh why bother?" I said with a sigh as I paused the music and flopped on my bed, my boredom satiated for the time being. "Anyway, she doesn't want anything to do with me. She made that clear before. What would've changed between then and now? It's been what, a month? Ugh..." I shook my head out. "She almost died you ass! And look at you, still whining cuz you can't have her! Fuck..." I shook my head out. "Aaand now I'm talking to myself. I am talking to myself... 'about' talking to myself." I rested my head in my hands and hid in my pillow. "Holy mother of fuck I'm insane."

I stopped for a second, trying to calmly rationalize and maybe claim my sanity. She was obviously affected by everything that happened to her, she almost died and she grasps that just fine. So why does it seem to me she's even happier than before? It made no 'sense'.

I sighed for about the millionth time since I went in my room.

"I just don't get it! I'm so close to her again..." I thought aloud again. "But still so far from where I want to be..." I shook out my head. "Oh, no wonder she wants nothing to do with you, she nearly dies and still all you think about is dating her! Get a grip!" I growled, yelling at myself. I felt like hitting something, and I would have, if it hadn't been for the scream of terror that interrupted my conversation with myself.