Happily Ever After

Nine~ A Wink Of Sleep

Jenna

I've never been one to open up about the things I struggle with day to day. Miss Connie says I'm harder to crack than a stubborn walnut in mommas Christmas nuts mix. And for a while I liked it that way, because even I was convinced everything was going to be okay as long as I keep everything buried deep down. You act like its not there for long enough then even you start to believe it. That false sense of hope, that false sense of safety, it's tricky. Learning how to cope when you were never allowed to heal is hard. Because these problems will come up again, for no reason at all. No matter how deep they're buried it'll rain long enough for those problems to surface again. They always come back and each incident seems worst than the last and acting like everything is okay isn't enough.

For me I have a lot of PTSD as a result of my childhood trauma. Got diagnosed when I was in high school but the treatments never came. No anxiety medicine or anti depressants or therapy. Eventually I got over the self harm and the alcohol abuse all on my own. I've learned to live with the anxiety and depression. But some days I can't get out of bed, some days I want to talk but I can't. Some days I wish I didn't wake up at all.

But I always did and life goes on. It always goes on.

I lay in bed at 2 am as my thoughts once again consume me. My insomnia really taking its toll as my eyes try to stay open but my body wants them to close. Times like these I really wish I could have gotten help when I needed it. I wish I could handle things better and be as happy as I seem on the outside. But I won't allow myself because the hurt I feel is deeper than I can see. Deeper than I understand.

Before I knew it it was 6 am and I didn't get a wink of sleep. I crawl out of bed careful not to wake Mary and I take a shower and change before dropping her off at a sitter in her PJ's. I walk into the diner and pull on my apron ready to get this day started. Mario comes in and starts in the kitchen and Connie counts the money before the day begins. Katie was here which made me happy because she one of the only friends I had my age. But it was just the four of us right now. I really don't get how this places stays open because hardly no one ever comes in but Connie does it. She pays us and keeps the place running which is good news for everyone.

I sit in the booth Kris usually sits in and lay my head on the table. Katie skips over then stands next to me as she lets out a sigh. "Rough night" she notices.

"Real rough" I admit.

"Would you like a hot chocolate? Mario just started a batch" she insists.

"Yes please" I mumble.

So she takes off and silence fills the air around me, and it was kind of peaceful. Silence means that for once my brain shuts up and I can get away from it for a little. But like always those thoughts come right back and I'm stuck fighting myself again.

"Hey you" a deep voice says and I look up. I see Kris standing there and I couldn't help but smile. Just his presence makes me feel a million times better.

"Howdy there" I reply as I try to get up. I stumble a little because I got dizzy but I stabilize myself on the table next to me. Kris grabs my arm and makes sure I don't pass out on the ground.

"Woah there, are you okay" he asks.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Just a little tired is all" I try as I rub my head.

"Did you get any sleep last night" he wonders.

"Not a wink. Same with the night before that" I explain.

His face falls as his grip on my arm tightens. "Baby that's not safe. You need to get some sleep" he insists.

"Thanks Doctor" I tease as I try to give him a convincing smile.

"This isn't funny Jen, I'm worried about you" he claims.

I let out a long sigh as I look up at him. I can see that he was really worried and that broke my heart.

"Come on, lets take a walk" I insist.

So he follows me out and we stroll around the block. I wasn't sure what to say or how to start so it was silent for a while. But I needed him to understand that this is how things go and there's nothing we can do about it.

"What do you know about PTSD" I ask him.

"It's that thing veterans have" he answers assuredly. I just giggle as I shake my head.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is the effects that follow a traumatic event. It's not just war, but about anything that effects peoples lives in a way that things will never be the same again. It can be a singular accident like a car crash or ongoing abuse like what I deal with.

Growing up I never got proper care for what happened to me, the abuse I endured is forever a part of me. No matter how far away from Texas I get, no matter how many new memories I make that's a part of me. Always on my mind. And the fact that I couldn't properly heal and accept what happened means that my life will forever be affected by what happened.

The depression, the anxiety, the insomnia, all of that still rules my life. I never know when these episodes will flare up or how bad it will be. But I can't just go to sleep, I can't just be happy. This is something I have to live with" I try to explain.

"I understand that" he admits. "What I don't get is why you wouldn't stay home, take care of yourself to the best of your abilities? Or let me try to help" he claims.

"Because what are you going to do when whatever you doesn't work? Have you thought about that" I ask him. His face falls as he thinks about it. "We can't undo the damage, no matter how hard we try. No matter who we are it's still going to be in the back of my mind reminding me that I might be strong now but I had to get there someway. And it was the most painful way possible. What is there to say when you realize the only way to fix this is to change what happened to me? And no matter how hard I pray, no matter what I do it doesn't change the fact that I lived in hell most of my life. That I had been hurt in ways unimaginable. And that I am completely useless in trying to fix it now" I say.

A warm tear hit my face but Kris quickly wipes it away. He grabs my face as I close my eyes so the tears stop. "Why don't you try and get some help" he asks.

"I went to college to be a therapist. I wanted to understand why this happened to me and how to fix it.

But I can't fix it, no amount of education will change that. I can't forgive my dad, can't get my sister back. The damage is done" I whisper.

Kris quickly pulls me into his chest as the tears flow. I tangle my fingers in his shirt as he holds me tight. For the first time ever I felt safe, I felt welcomed. I felt wanted and it was so nice.

"I'm not giving up on you Jen" he tells me.

"I don't want you worried about me" I sniffle.

"I don't either. So what can I do to help" he asks.

"I don't know. That's what's so scary" I insist.

"How about we go home and you get some rest? If you're feeling better I'll take you back to work. But being here trying to work isn't safe and you know it. I'll stay with you the whole time" he promises.

So I let him take me home and I crawl into bed. He joins me as he pulls me into his embrace. He kisses the top of my head and I feel my body relax in his arms. I close my eyes and for the first time in a long time I get some sleep.