Happily Ever After

Seventy~ Just Like A Tattoo

Jenna

Growing up I always wanted a tattoo. My sister got one at 14 and had a full sleeve by 18. She had flowers all up and down her arm and it was honestly the coolest thing I had seen. Her and I went to get one for Mary but I ended up chickening out. I'm good with managing mental pain but physical pain made me want to throw up. When I was cutting that was the only time I could handle any type of pain from my physical well being. And that's only because I told myself that was the way things had to go.

So when I decided I wanted to try with a tattoo again I didn't know how I would react. I wanted one more than anything but I was a baby. That's why I made Kris come and hold my hand if I needed it.

I showed the man the tattoo design and he was actually excited to do it. I was getting my scars covered so he knew it was a meaningful tattoo and that this was a big deal. He had done this a few times before and warned me that the park of my skin that had been cut is more tender. And while I can't cover up what happened to me I can still get a tattoo to remind me that scars just mean I got through whatever it was I was fighting.

I sit down at my seat and let the man start to work. I wince and whine a little bit Kris holds me tight has I try not to scream.

"So why a elephant" the man asks as he tries to get me to take my mind off the tattoo. I couldn't even watch him do it.

"A lot of reason really" I admit. "For one the markings on a elephant can disguise the scars. Of course I wasn't thinking about a elephant tattoo when I was trying to permanently remind myself of the amount of times I didn't really want to go on any longer. The elephants skin is like mine in a way and I guess I'll have a textured tattoo.

Plus I really love elephants. They have a lot of meaning and can help out in any situation. I've always loved these animals and now I guess I love them enough to get it on my body for the rest of my life" I explain.

"That's a big commitment" he admits.

"So is life" I say.

"I guess you're right" he laughs.

"How are you feeling? Do you need anything" Kris asks as I squeeze his hand.

"A higher tolerance of pain" I tease.

"How about a water" he asks.

"A water will be great" I admit.

So he goes out and grabs me a water before returning to me. I continue to tell the tattoo artists about the reason I wanted to cover the scars and why I lived the design he came up with. This wasn't some lag minute decision. I've really thought about this, it wasn't some last minute idea or something I would regret later on. Yes it was big but it meant a lot to me to have this be a part of me for the rest of my life.

"Can I ask why you got these scars" he wonders and I sigh.

"It started as a cry for help. I thought if every time someone hurt me I cut people would start to see the physical damage of what I was going through. People can't always see mental illness, but maybe if they saw a physical manifestation of what I was going through, how often it happens and how deep it cuts me someone would do something. I thought that someone would ask why my wrists looked like that and offer to help. But people didn't see the scars and want to help, at first no one noticed so they got bigger and more frequent.

Then I was cutting because I wanted to feel the pain. And not the usual pain but a different kind of pain that got my mind off the mental pain. I never wanted to kill myself but I didn't cut because I was happy. I was in pain and I wanted a actual reason to be in pain.

Then I started to feel guilty, I was ashamed of what I was doing. I was a pretty girl and I was ruining that by destroying my skin. But it was too late, the scars were forming and there was no undoing what I had done. In a way it was just like the trauma I experienced as a kid. Like the trauma those scars will always be there. I can cover it but but they will never go away, never truly be gone.

And while I am healed now both physically and mentally I like having the reminder that I am stronger than anything life can throw at me" I explain.

"So this tattoo should be a walk in the park for someone who has been through the things you have and are still strong enough to be here today" he insists.

"Should be" I mutter making him laugh.

After seven hours of me trying not to scream I was all done. Even though it's on my arm I still haven't seen it yet, not really interested in watching my skin be penetrated by a needle millions of times.

So I finally look down and I have to admit, he did a amazing job. The elephant looked so realistic and you couldn't even tell I had scars. Of course I had them on my other wrist and my legs but this arm was the worst by far. And now I have this beautiful elephant to give me strength and remind me that sometimes we walk alone but we don't have to anymore.

Once I get wrapped up we jump in the car and decide to pick Mary up. She's not as clingy as she used to be but honestly we were here best friends so we still have play dates and sleep overs. Once she sees my arm she gasps really loud trying to touch it.

"Oh when can I get one" she asks.

"When you're 18 and don't have to ask for permission" I tel her.

"But I'll be so old by then" she pouts making me smile.

"You can wait. Maybe we can get matching tattoos when you get older" I promise.

"Really" she perks up.

"Yeah. Just like a tattoo my live for you is forever" I assure her.