Happily Ever After

Five~ The Weight Of Burdens

Jenna

You know the quote "life isn't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward", the one from Rocky? My life is basically one really long testament to that. It's hit after hit after hit and the blows never stop coming. It never gets easier.

That's why I refuse to believe that whatever happens with Kris is my happily ever after waiting to happen. I can't believe in that kind of thing if all I know is pain and all I accept is pain. If it wasn't for that four year old girl who thinks I'm the greatest thing to ever happen to her I would have given up all hope by now. But she's my reminder that there's good in the world no matter how bad it gets.

Kris is that good too. A pure entity who doesn't know pain, who doesn't know loss. He was perfect and in a way that made me sick. That he can walk around his life worried about me because he didn't have to worry about himself. But I also admired that about him, how he can still dream because he doesn't know what I know. Maybe that's what made me attracted to him even though we're nothing alike. Maybe it's yin and yang where we're more alike than we seem. It's not our problems that connect us but the solutions. I don't know.

I just know that whatever happens I want him around. And if he's around he has to know who I am. Why I am this way and how I got here.

So I invite him to the park where Mary goes off and plays on the equipment. She was a pretty shy kid at first, doesn't get out much because I try to protect her from the world. This world that has given me hell but I won't let it give her hell too. But she had brown curly hair like her momma and hazel eyes like me, kids loved her. Once she warmed up it was hard to get her to stay away. So I let her play with her new friends at the park as I wait for Kris to show up.

"There's my southern sweetie" Kris teases as he walks over to the bench I was standing by. I give him a hug before we sit down at the bench. "Which one is Mary" he wonders and I point her out.

"The one going down the slide backwards with her feet above her head even though she's in a skirt" I laugh.

"I expect nothing less really" he admits.

"She's turning out more and more like me and it's scary" I sigh.

"What are you to her" he wonders.

"She's my niece. My sisters daughter" I explain.

"Well your sister is blessed. Her daughter is beautiful" he claims.

"Her mom passed away about two years ago" I inform him.

It feels like everything stops as I can feel his eyes burn through me. I know that if I looked at him right now I would break down. That I would have a panic attack right here in the middle of this park, in front of Mary. And that's the last thing I needed. That girl thinks I'm strong but I'm not. She just can't see that.

"I am so sorry" he says softly. He places a hand on my thigh and I look at it. He pulls himself closer to me and I let out a sigh. I knew I could trust him but I don't know if I could trust myself to get through this.

"My sister was two years older than me but only a grade ahead of me. Even more stunning than I am, even more unlucky too. She was a good person stuck in a bad situation and it consumed her.

My dad abused us a lot when we were little. Sexually, mentally, physically, he tore us down until we lost all will to go on. My dad, for whatever reason, was so mean to us, just because he can be. We have a younger sister and a younger brother but they never seemed to get the abuse like Fran and I did, at least not while we were still around. She got the worst of it because she was older but I wasn't left out. The abuse became a daily occurrence and I figured this is just how things have to be, I didn't know life any other way to know that it's not how things had to be. My mom blamed us for all the wrong doings our father did to us, made us think this was our fault. That somehow what we did something to cause all that pain and torture. She was upset he didn't want her, he wanted us and we couldn't do a damn thing about it.

My sister and I both found our own horrid ways to deal with this constant pain that we found ourselves in. Depression is something crazy when you've had it since you were 10. I coped by cutting my wrists and thighs every time he touched me and my sister did drugs. I was able to cover my wrong doings up with makeup, Frannie wasn't off the hook so easily. She got really messed up but she was still this beautiful and vibrant girl, not even the drugs could take that from her. People called her a slut because she slept around but according to dad sex was all she would ever be good at. She felt like this is how her life was supposed to be, didn't know anything else. I tried to get some help, I had a school counselor I talked to for a little but it got stopped because my parents knew if I talked much more they were going to jail. They sure as hell weren't going to stop hurting me so I had to stop getting help.

So I kept my mouth shut. Things only seemed to get worse and I didn't care much for going on anymore. Fran tried like hell to keep dad from me but there was no stopping him. He had it in him that Fran and I were there to make him happy and he would do anything to get that satisfaction from us. We've tried to help each other but failed each and every time. And it sucked because I wanted to love life, I wanted to trust in this world but I couldn't. Not from knowing what I knew at least.

I tried dating but I always ended up getting hurt. I attracted the worst kinds of guys. They always seemed to be kind at first then things changed within a hour and I was torn down again. No one to turn to and nowhere to run.

But then things changed when I came to Chicago for college. I got away form my abusive father and toxic mother. My sister and I rented a place out here and it got a little better. I met Connie and she got me a job, I was doing well in school and I actually thought I could help people. I thought I can find people who were like me and save them from knowing what I know. Feeling what I feel.

Then my sister got pregnant not too long after we moved here and she didn't know who the dad was. She freaked out but I assured her she would be okay. She got clean for a little and had Mary in 2011. Fran was a good mom when she wanted to be, she tried her best but the drugs were stronger than her best. Eventually she fell back into them and it got worse and worse. I begged for her to stop, I tried everything but my best wasn't good enough. In 2013 she over dosed and died trying to finish off the drugs. Mary found her dead in the bathroom and she was messed up after that. She knows I'm her aunt and that her mom is gone but she doesn't understand how or why it happened. But like I told you the best way to carry burdens is to not have them.

So I finished college while raising Mary the best I could. Graduated back in December and got my diploma. Mary and I stayed with Connie for a while until I got back on my feet and got a place of my own. I didn't have the money or the knowledge to raise a toddler the first year Mary was in my care. I myself was a hot mess. But her daughter is the same age as Mary and they're best friends. Connie has been my guardian angel and I owe her a lot. But I'm still a long ways from where I need to be" I explain.

"You are the strongest girl I know" Kris claims.

"Strength can be a burden too" I defend.

"It can be. But it's also the only reason you're still here. Why Mary still smiles and why I'm excited to get out of bed in the morning" he says.

"I can't believe that after all of that you still want to be a part of my life" I admit.

"I kinda have a huge crush on you" he accuses.

"Is that why you haven't let go of my leg" I tease.

He blushes as he retreats his hand. "I'm just messing with you. I kind have a big crush on you too" I assure him.

"So do you think we can try us out? See if the answer to our questions were right in front of us this whole time" he asks.

"Let me see what Mary thinks" I smirk.

So I call her over and she jumps up into my lap. I introduce her to Kris and she immediately fell for him. I know the feeling. So she crawls over to his lap and he holds her tight. She talks a mile a minute telling him her life story even though it's pretty short at this point.

"What would you say if I started to date Kris" I ask her.

She turns around to look up at Kris before looking back at me. "Do I still get to stay with you" she asks.

"Of course pumpkin" I assure her.

"Then I approve" she smiles.

"Okay. So it's a date then" Kris asks me.

"It's a date" I promise.