Happily Ever After

Fifty Seven~ Peace

Jenna

After spending four days at the Disney parks and Hollywood studios we end the trip in Animal Kingdom, the one place Mary wanted to go the most. She LOVES her animals, as many kids do. But she had wanted nothing more than to see the animals here since they're different than the ones back home. So Kris and I get her on one of the safaris and let her look around. I was pretty interested too and I was so excited when I got to see a elephant up close.

"Auntie Jen lookie! Look it's a elephant" Mary cheers as I smile big.

"Yeah baby, that's a elephant" I assure her.

"They're huge! Like six feet tall" she claims making me giggle.

"I think they're a little bigger than that" I assure her.

"Why do you love elephants so much" Kris wonders.

I just sit there and think for a few seconds as I let out a sigh. "When I was young and life was hard I did a lot of diving in inspirational quotes. Between the cheesy one liners and passages I found on the Internet I found a lot of different things. I was down a lot and I was that tacky girl with quotes written everywhere in her locker and on books. Buddha has a lot of really good quotes that I can use for my life. Things that apply to me so I liked putting his things up to remind me that it will get better. A lot of people believed that the elephant was Buddha, a manifestation that embodies the man himself. There was a lot about elephants and their spiritual connection to Buddha and that's what stuck" I shrug.

"Really" he questions. "How does someone as Christian as you end up looking into Buddhism" he questions.

"Because the beliefs are different but the principles are the same. The elephant represents strength, patience, loyalty and wisdom, all the things Jesus sees in people like Joseph and Andrew and Mathew and all his followers. I don't have to believe in zen and all of that in order to believe that Buddha had a lot of good ideas that helped me through some really rough times" I admit.

"What is your favorite Buddha quote" he wonders making me smile. It's so weird that after all this time he still asks questions like this, still wants to learn the thing about me that isn't what he needs to know but what he wants to instead. It shows that he cares and he's curious about getting to know me even though he already knows me better than anyone. For someone who didn't believe in someone caring about me it really meant the world.

"Peace comes from within, do not seek it without" I finally answer.

"Okay I'm lost" he admits as I roll my eyes. Typical.

"I spent my whole life searching for peace in a place where peace doesn't not exist. And I thought I found some a few different times, but that wasn't peace. That was the saddest excuse of sympathy that I willed myself into thinking it was more than just a empty gesture. Fake feelings I accepted because I wanted to find peace that bad. But you can't force peace, you can't make peace. People always say "you have to make peace with what happened to you" but how do you turn abuse and betrayal and pain into peace? How do you expect someone to make peace out of hate? What we say is make peace but what we really want to make is understanding, come to terms with reality but that doesn't mean you make peace with it. Those are two different things and peace only comes after forgiveness and healing.

You won't find peace in fighting or escaping your problems. Being at peace doesn't mean the problems are being forgotten, it's about confronting them. Peace is not in denial but in victory. I finally found peace in my life, I found it in you. And it wasn't because I was looking for it and it wasn't because I made you into someone I needed, but because you were exactly what I need when I needed it most. The answers I looked for everywhere but couldn't find because peace never existed. And now I have it with you" I explain.

I feel his fingers wrap around my waist as he pulls me in closer to him. I can see in his eyes that he was hanging on to my every word, listening to everything I am saying. He pulls me closer than most couples will be in public, especially in a place like Disney, but he never shied away from public displays of affection. Even when I was a over worked waitress scared that him being seen with me would hurt him he assured me that he wanted to be seen with me. He had no problem holding my hand to keep me close or kissing me when the moment is right even if the place isn't.

And like always no matter where we are or what we're doing with one look I feel so at peace. Like it's just him and I and nothing can ever hurt us.

He softly presses his lips to mine for a second before pulling away. His hand sitting on my cheek as I lean in to him.

"I love you so much, you know that right" he asks softly.

I look up into his eyes as my lips pull tight. I place my hand on top of his as I feel his warmth on my skin. "Of course I do. But I never get tired of hearing it" I promise.

We finish the safari before we just walk around the park. Mary holds Kris and I's hands as we swing her around. It was pretty calm now that the people who were here for the new year was gone and it was the middle of the week. So we go into one of the stores and let Mary pick out yet another stuffed animal for her collection.

She finds the elephant from Tarzan and picks it up. She turns to me with the biggest smile on her face. She didn't understand why the elephant was so powerful, what it symbolizes and the strength it gives people. But it makes her happy in a more innocent way and I love that for her. She still enjoys something without knowing the pain of what makes it special. And I hope she never does but still loves the animal all the same.

"Can I get it" she asks Kris. Like she has to ask...

"Of course baby. Why don't you grab one for me too" he says. So she skips away to grab another stuffed animal.

"What are you going to do with that" I wonder.

"I want to keep it in our room. Have it remind me that peace is something that comes from within and something we can't live without" he claims making me smile.

"So he does learn" I tease making him smile back.

"When it comes to you I always listen" he promises.