Happily Ever After

Sixty~ Bad Days

Kris

As January turned to February baseball season was right around the corner. We had the convention and spring training a little after Valentine's Day. I have been working out for a while and I was physically ready for the season. I still needed some time to get in the right mind frame but I will get there soon enough. After the convention when all I talk about is baseball I will be ready, until then I was going to focus on myself and this family that found me.

I lie in bed with Jenna as my arms wrapped around her. Mary spent the night at a friends house and that meant me and Jenna could watch all the Disney movies she wanted to without having to sing and not feel bad for not sharing the popcorn with the human vacuum she calls her niece. And for the first time in the long time we didn't have to get up and could just lay in bed.

"Hey baby" I whisper softly as I watch Jenna lay there. She slowly turns over before her big green eyes open up. They still looked tired and I let out a sigh. "How are you feeling this morning" I wonder.

I've learned with Jenna she has a lot of good days, but no matter how good things seem to be, her bad days catch up with her. And her bad days can get pretty bad depending on how strong her anxiety gets. Yesterday she had it real rough, I'm talking she made herself sick and had to stay home tough. She slept most of the day but I made sure she ate and still got taken care of. I'm not sure what triggered her ptsd or if it's just another bad day, even if she knew I'm not sure she would be able to tell me. But she has been better when it came to talking to me and letting me know when she can't do things she usually does because she's having a episode. I have no problem taking Mary out so she can rest or bringing her whatever she needs. Or just be a shoulder to cry on when she can't fight off the sadness anymore.

I'm still learning about my part in all of this and what I can do to make her feel better. I feel so helpless in all of this and I just wish I could take the pain and the sadness away. I wish I could get her to stop being so hard on herself and see that she is so loved by so many. But if she could do all of that none of this would be a problem.

"I'm feeling a little better" she answers with a small smile. It was a little forced but I do believe she was a little better. She had a little more color to her and she wasn't crying so that had to be a good thing.

"What are your plans for today? We can go for a walk or if you want we can go on a little trip. Pick Mary up and go for some breakfast" I suggest.

"Can we just lay here a little while longer" she wonders as I nod.

I pull her closer until my lips reach her forehead. I feel her fingers dig into my back as she holds me tight.

"Are you going to be okay" I wonder.

"Maybe not today or tomorrow or even the next day, but I'll be okay. I know my pain comes from something I will never accept and never understand. I know that for every bad day there's thirty good ones. And while my mind is full of a unavoidable sadness, of darkness and pain, my heart is full of love and happiness and a bright future thanks to you" she claims.

"I want to make a future that you want to be a part of" I insist.

"You have Kris. When I am haunted by my past I am driven by my future. A future that thanks to you I can now look forward to. Thanks to you I have a future and I can be a part of it. It might be hard now but it will be worth it in the end" she promises.

I softly kiss her forehead again before she shoves her face into the crook of my neck. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing so she couldn't tell that I was anxious too. I know these bad days won't last forever, but I still hate them. I still hate knowing that for the first time in my life I can't help her. It was so hard for me because I had always been able to find a solution to problems, but when it comes to her in ever know what to say. I just want to be here for her and be whatever she needs me to be.

We lay in bed for a hour before we finally get up. I let her take a shower and I arrange to pick Mary up from her friends house on the way to breakfast. Once Jenna was ready we swoop up our little princess and find a nice pancake restaurant. Mary goes on and on about her sleepover and I can tell Jenna was already feeling better. Mary was her muse but she always feels like she has to be strong in front of her. She always tries to be more than a human and Mary doesn't need all of that, not from her at least. Mary can feel that Jenna has problems, kids always notice when things are wrong. Especially with how close those two are. But she is trying to be Mary's mom and aunt and friend and family and that's a lot, even for someone who didn't struggle growing up. All she wants is to make that little girl happy, to make me happy.

And she makes us so happy, happier than she will ever understand. More than she will be able to see through her own eyes because she will always be blinded by her trauma she's experienced. More than she can hear over the screams of her own voice from her child hood. More than she can feel over the heart break and traumatic experiences. There isn't anyone or anything in this world I loved more than her and I made sure she knew that, that she heard it every chance she could. I know this isn't easy for her, it will never be easy. She might forget certain things that was said to her or done to her but she can't forget that feeling she has that haunts her both when she's awake and when she's asleep. She can't move past these things that are a part of her and she knows it, I'm still learning but I know it too. And I will be right by her side as we continue to fight.