After Him

Epilogue

Epilogue

Back when I do not know him yet, all I thought about is how to please and make Xavier fall in love with me. How can I make him love me if he don't. How can I make his heart beat something it won't? I was too hard to my self, I was to selfish and selfless at the same time. I was too blind but when Lucas came he changed everything. My life begins to turn upside down, there are times I would feel like I am loved and there are times I though I am not.

Before I could let Xavier go I was questioning myself. Would I ever love again after him? I don't know the answer. It just all changed when Lucas came, I fell in love with him easier, I fell in love with him fast and deep.

At first I never want to have any connection with him, him being Samantha's driver as I thought he is made me dislike him. There was an unnamed fear deep within me. I choose to ignore him, never letting him near me. But he made his way to me, he entered my life suddenly and he made sure his way would be recognized. Nagulat na lang ako na hinahanap ko na ang kanyang prisensya. How could that be? When I almost hated him back then.

The unnamed fear was not because of his connection with Samantha but for my feelings. I was too indenial and too blind with my love for Xavier that I couldn't recognize my sudden attraction with him. Ang takot na akala kong para sa konseksyon nila ni Samantha ay hindi totoo. Dahil ang takot na nararamdaman ko ay para sa katotohanang noong una ko palang siyang makita ay may naramdaman na akong kakaiba.

The moment I shared with him wasn't as long as what I've with  Xavier but his was my favorite. All the time that I shared with him was the best, he made me feel important, safe, secured, loved and enough. He made me feel that I'm not alone in this chaotic world. That if ever I feel weak I could have him as my strength. So I fell in love too fast, I couldn't even name it. I was confused because it was new to me. The feeling that I felt with him was not the same feeling I have with Xavier. Para lamang crush ang naramdaman ko kay Xavier at ang kanya ay ang pakiramdam na pag ibig. Iyong hindi ko namalayang nahulog na pala ako at nang malaman ko ay masyado ng malalim, masyado na akong nawili kaya't hindi ko na kayang umahon pa. Minahal ko siya lingid sa kaalaman ko dahil ipinaramdam niya ang pag mamahal na kailanman hindi ko naramdaman sa iba.

But my life was not like the ones in the fairy tale. It wasn't like the lost princess and her knight. It wasn't like the happily ever after because it broke me when I knew he was Samantha's cousin. Gumuho ang mundo ko ng malaman ang katotohanang iyon. At mas para akong sinasaksak ng kutsilyo ng mapagtanto kong mahal na mahal ko na pala siya. Na kaya pala ako nasasaktan sa pag iwas niya dahil gusto kong nasa akin ang atensyon niya. Kaya pala ako nasasaktan na hindi nya ako matingnan dahil gustong gusto kong matitigan ang mga mata niya. Parang papel na ginuyumos ang mundo ko ng marinig kay Samantha na ginawa lamang lahat ni Lucas ang mga ginawa niya ay para mailayo ako kay Xavier.

Ang sakit ay labis at tila wala ng katapusan. Parang dinudurog ang puso kong pira-piraso na ngunit hindi dahil sa pinag hiwalay niya kami ni Xavier kundi sa katotohanang ginawa niya iyon para sa kanyang pinsan. Nasasaktan at nawawasak ako sa katotohanang ang mga minahal ko sa kanya ay hindi naman pala totoo. Doon namuo ang galit ko sa mundo. Galit na ibinuhos ko kay Samantha dahil nagagawa niya aking saktan gamit ang kanyang mga salita. Galit kay Xavier dahil gumawa siya ng bagay na nakakapag pahirap sa amin. At galit kay Lucas dahil hindi totoo ang kanyang nararamdaman.

Pinili kong magalit sa lahat maging sa sarili ko para gustuhin kong umusad. Tinabunan ko ng galit ang sakit na nanunuot sa aking sistema. Ginawa ko ang lahat para maayos ang aking buhay. In a span of four months I got promoted as a senior designer kahit pa mag tatlong taon palang ako sa kumpanya. In a span of four months I was able to gain myself back with the anger in my heart. Closed doors for new people, not letting anyone step in to my life. I was too cautious and scared to feel the same pain I felt when I believe that Lucas was just faking it all.