Mental Health Stories

Highs and Lows

Do you know what it's like to feel high?

To be so far up that you can't see the ground but you know the moment won't last so you're constantly on edge but in that moment it's just you and you're flying?

Because I do.

And then it hurts when I hit the ground, crashing down and down and I can't remember what it's like to be high—or even normal—because that's my normal.

I feel things too much, either too high or too low.

One day I'll want to talk with you and I can spend the entire day being with you but the next day I don't care if we talk and if we never talked again, well I guess that's fine, I don't really care.

I push and pull, but it's not really me.

It's my feelings.

They don't work.

Or they work too much.

I'm not sure.

And then people leave because they can't handle my raging emotions and I don't blame them.

I can barely handle them.

My thoughts go racing sometimes and everyone around me feels so slow and I have to slow down to their pace and then I'm going too slow so I have to speed up and catch up to my mind because no one else matters.

I matter.

I'm better than them.

Oh no, wait.

Now I'm crashing again.

I'm sorry.

I'm worthless.

Everyone is worth more than me.

Ignore what I said before.

Some days I'm too slow and other days I'm too fast.

I don't really have an in between.

Oh, look.

I blanked again and now I've bought the entire eShop on the Switch.

They were mostly on sale, don't worry.

I'll just add it to the list of my ever-accruing debt.

I'm kinda impulsive too, in case you couldn't tell.

Ooh, that game looks nice.

Let's buy it.

You're going to a party tonight?

Hell yeah, I'm coming.

It won't be a party without me anyway.

Nothing's stable in my life.

Not my feelings, my relationships, or my bank account.

I'm rushing around constantly trying to get things done.

I start five assignments at once and never finish them because I'm distracted by something else.

And oh, I'm crashing.

I don't have energy to work.

I think I'll just lay in bed.

It's exhausting, mentally and physically.

I haven't slept in a few days.

I'm not really sure actually.

I might've taken a nap yesterday?

Oh gosh, I need to start doing all this work I have to do.

Three assignments done, check.

Ding!

Oh.

It's her.

I like her.

She makes me feel. . . more in control.

Not normal because I'll never feel that.

But my mind slows down around her and I feel like I can breathe.

She asks, "Did you eat today?"

Well, no.

I have work to do.

"Please. It makes me happy when you do. I like when you take care of yourself," she says.

Eh.

I guess I can go eat something.

"And I think you should take a break. Maybe try to take a nap or just relax, okay?"

Okay.

Yes, as you can see, I try for her.

Who's her?

She's the one person that's always stayed.

I'm not sure why.

I ask myself that everyday.

But she's here and I'm here and we exist in the same place of existence and maybe she'll stay forever or maybe I'll slow down enough to stay.

I'm gonna go 'take care of myself' now so see ya!

AN: Most days my mind is slow but other days it's fast and I can't keep up. It's honestly exhausting to go from high to low.