Symphony for the Dark (Kylo Ren x Reader)

29

You expected yelling. You expected anger and frustration. You expected a loud confrontation where Kylo would immediately tell you what was going on and how you were involved in all of this. Instead, you were met with suffocating silence. 

It was obvious that he was on edge and extremely angry- his behavior in the hall was a dead giveaway- but now he was trying to compose himself. The way he paced back and forth, clenching his fists and refusing to look at you... his restraint was clear as day. You wanted to reach out and confront the issue that had him so upset, yet you couldn't. You couldn't muster up the courage to engage him while he was so worked up. For now, all you could do was wait until he was ready to say something... 

The atmosphere slowly shifted as Kylo gradually relaxed. While the tension between you remained, the silence became much more vulnerable. Once he finally stops pacing, he turns to face you. Neither of you said anything, just simply stared at each other.

Kylo was the one to break the silence. When he finally spoke, his voice was desperate and held the same type of vulnerability as the silence. 

"Where were you?" 

The question was simple, but the guilt that followed hit you like an entire fleet of Star Destroyers. Before he even said anything, you knew that this was the issue. It didn't take much to remember how he felt when you missed one nightly conversation. He freaked out. He was terrified that he had lost his friend and now there was even more to lose, so of course he reacted this explosively.

You knew that having a rehearsal go a little later than scheduled was no big deal to you, but you hadn't paused to consider the fact that it could be a big deal to others. It didn't really matter that Hux got worked up by your tardiness, but Kylo...

He matters.

"Rehearsal ran a little late, I'm sorry for not telling you." You wanted to reach out and embrace him. Words could only provide so much reassurance... but you held back, not wanting to accidentally make another mistake.  "I lost track of time, and the musicians were doing so well- I didn't want to stop the momentum- so we just kept playing. I know, I should have messaged you. I should have told you that I was going to be back later than scheduled-"

Wordlessly, he cuts you off by pulling you into a bone-crushing embrace, which you immediately return. It doesn't matter that he's holding you tight enough to make breathing difficult, you relish in the feeling of his arms around you and the comfort of his presence regardless. You can feel his every movement, from his breathing to the way his right hand clutches the fabric of your shirt. It's almost as if he's still trying to reassure himself that you're actually here.

You pull away from him, creating just enough distance to look up into his eyes. Just as you were about to apologize again, he spoke up instead, "I won't lie to you, I was worried. I thought something terrible had happened, or maybe you finally came to your senses and realized that you shouldn't spend any more time with someone like me."

Came to my senses?  "Kylo, what's that supposed to mean? We've already decided that your title doesn't change who you are and it won't change how I feel about you-"

"You know that's not what I'm talking about, (Y/N)." His tone of voice was even more pained than before as he forced himself away from you. "I'm dangerous, vile, repulsive, lethal, broken-" Each word was spoken with an increased level of revulsion, "And you aren't. I don't understand how you can bare to spend so much time with me. There will be a time when you realize the type of person that I truly am, and then, just like everyone else, you'll leave. Then it can all go back to the way it used to be- no- the way it's supposed to be, but-" He stopped himself, trying to hold back the truth that he wanted to remain unspoken.