Complicated Desire
***
He looks in my eyes
I look at his
He looks at hers yet he sees something
No matter how I tried
There's always something missing
He looks at her in a way that he never looked at me
I feel angry, afraid, and agony
Everyday I do everything just so he can notice me
I feel sadness when he does not speak to me
And so happy when he does
I feel ecstatic when I can see him
And so nervous when he looks at me
Such contradiction!
I thought to myself
As a feeling of nostalgia
Hit me right to the core
What is it with him that made me like him?
I feel embarrassed on how he's so smart and I'm just... average
How could I have the face to love him!
How could I be so stupid?
Thinking that one day he will notice me
But he doesn't
He never does and never will
Yet neverthless still
I could not control myself
Even just a touch could almost make me faint
And I'm so lucky that I don't blush
He would have noticed something
And would have noticed everything
What my mind thinks is not the problem
But what I feel is,
The feeling is very complicated...
It's like I want him to know but I don't want to force him
I want him to find out for himself but it's taking too long
Long enough to make me feel that he'll never know
If only my heart and mind could agree then there will be no problem
But in reality they don't agree!
They can never agree!
My mind can always lie and express it through mouth
But my heart can't because it makes me feel the truth
Why does the world have to be unfair of my desire!?
It always makes me choose!
If ever I choose one
The other will never feel happiness!
If I tell him
He will be forced to love me so I won't break
I will be happy and he will not
That!—More than anything—
Would make me feel guilty and sad
But if I would learn to let him go
He will be happy...
And I will be happy to see him happy
I will be sad but I won't care
Or maybe I will
I would care but will never regret
To see him smile is all that matters to me.
***
