Keeping a secret love | Juan Gomez de Liano

Kabanata 22

He's staring at me, napairap ako. Why is he here? 

Napainom ako ng magkasunod na shots dahil sa paninitig niya sa'kin. Habang si Eli ay unti unting dumidikit sa'kin. Fuck! I just want to enjoy this night, no more drama, no more fake feelings! Bakit ba hindi ko makuha 'yon?

"Kaela, are you alright?" Eli said, he's tapping my shoulder.

"You look uneasy," He whispered.

Napailing lang ako at hinawakan ang baso sa harap ko. Akmang tutunggain ko yon ng may humawak sa kamay ko.

"Let's talk." Juan said, in his eyes you can feel that he is angry. Binawi ko ang aking kamay. I'm hurt, really hurt. Tinignan niya ako, hindi ko inalisan ang titig niyang nakakapanglambot.

"We're talking," Napairap ako, he clenched his jaw. He's really angry.

"In private," He said, nagpabalik balik ang tingin ni Eli sa'min ni Juan, parang naguguluhan.

Saktong dumating naman si Hashia kasama sila Irene.

"Oh, the famous Juan Gomez de Liano is here!" Nakita ko kung paano kumislap ang mga mata ni Fiera, manghang mangha siya sa presensya ni Juan.

Juan nodded, he didn't smile. He hold my wrist at hinatak niya ako. At dala ng kalasingan gumegewang ako habang hatak niya. Hashia just nodded to me as a sign of approval. Nag pahatak na lang ako kay Juan. Nakakawalang gana.

"What was that Kaela?" Nasa parking lot kami ng bar, tinitigan niya ko. My brows furrowed. 

"What?!" Natatawa ako sa tanong niya.

"Why are you here?" I have to ask him this. I have to.

"To talk to you," Narinig ko ang paghahabol niya ng hininga.

"I don't need your explanation! Ayos na 'yon! I'll be okay, I will be! Hobby mo na ba talagang saktan ako Juan? Is this one of your favorite things? Wala ka na bang magawa?" My voice broke, nararamdaman ko na din na malapit ng tumulo ang luha ko.

"Hey.." Hahawakan niya sana ang kamay ko ng binawi ko agad.

"Don't touch me! I don't know what to do! Why did you do that?" I broke down, napaupo ako. Walang masyadong tao dito, halos lahat kasi busy sa loob.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Let me explain," Hinawakan nya ang pisngi ko at nakita kong lumebel siya sa'kin.

"Will you let me to?" Hinawakan niya ang aking baba at iniangat ang aking mukha. I nodded.

"You didn't answer my calls, baby? I'm sorry. Madeleine was my Head Coach's daughter. When I told you that I'm going because of an errands, it's true. It's Coach's Birthday, I didn't know tho, I don't have a gift to present. He told me that if I date his daughter it will be the best birthday gift for him." Napahawak siya sa kanyang noo.

"And you didn't have the guts to decline?" My brows furrowed.

"I rejected it, but my team mates insist. I don't have a choice." Lalo akong nalungkot sa sinabi niya, you have a choice. You do have.

Napansin niya kung paano lalong nalukot ang mukha ko sa sinabi niya.

"That's all? You always have your choice! And you chose to do this! I'm done with you, I'm so done with you." 

Tumayo ako at ako para umalis ngunit tumayo siya at niyakap ako mula sa likod.

"No, no. We're not done baby, p-please," Nabasag ang boses niya ngunit hindi ako nag salita.

"I lost you once, I can't afford to lose you again." Naramdaman ko ang luha niya sa balikat ko.

"You already lost me," Malamig kong sabi.

"Hey, hey, no please? Jayne, baby, please," Nakakapanglambot ang boses na gamit niya. 

Kaya ko pa bang masaktan? Kaya ko pa bang pagtiwalaan siyang muli?

"Let's go home," Hinatak niya ako, wala na kong ginawa kung hindi sumama. Nakita niya agad ang kanyang sasakyan. He opened the door of his shot gun seat, sumakay ako. 

Walang nag sasalita, deafening silence is killing me. Umiikot din ang paningin ko. Nakailang shot nga ba ako? I got my pouch, pero walang nag tetext sakin. I pouted. We're not heading home?

"Saan tayo pupunta?" Nakataas na kilay kong tanong sa kanya.

"Kala ko ba uuwi Juan?" I sounded disappointed.

"I'm sorry, just give me an hour baby, after that the decision is all yours," Hindi siya makatingin sakin.

Nag iwas naman din ako ng tingin, pinag tuunan ko na lang ng pansin ang dinaraanan namin. Nararamdaman ko ng unti-unting pag angat ng aming sinasakyan, are we bound to mountain?

Nakasimangot pa din ang aking mukha ng huminto kami sa isang lugar. Nakita ko siya na nakatayo at nakatingin sa malayo. City lights are giving me some chills, ang simoy ng hangin ay bumabalot sa'kin at nakita ko si Juan na nakaupo at nakahawak sa kanyang mukha.

No one's talking. So I talked.

"I never thought that this day will come," Nakatingin pa rin ako sa malayo. Naramdaman kong sinusukat ako ng kanyang mga mata.

"You know, I've been that coward this past few years. Pero isang beses lang akong naging matapang tapos eto, nasaktan nanaman ako." Kusang pumatak ang luha sa mga mata ko. Nakatitig lang siya sa'kin.

"You don't want to lose me do you?" Tanong ko sa kanya. And he nodded. Natawa  ako.

"Eh bakit mo 'ko sinaktan? Nakakatawa lang, bakit kayo nag loloko? Nag sisinungaling? Kung ayaw niyo naman palang mawala. Kayo din naman gumagawa ng paraan para mawala yung mga taong walang ibang ginawa kung hindi patawarin at ayusin kayo e," Napayuko ako.

"Aayusin kayo, tapos kami naman pala yung sisirain niyo," My voice broke. Ayoko ng mag salita. Nakakapagod na.

"I'm really sorry, Kaela. I really do." Bakas din sa boses niya ang nagbabantang mga luha.

He hugged me from the back.

"I guess this is the last hug?" He said.

"Mas lalo ata akong masasaktan pag nawala ka." Wala sa sariling sagot ko sakanya.

"Holding on does more damage than letting go," Naramdaman ko ang kanyang paghinga sa aking leeg.

"But what if you can heal the damage?" Am I desperate?

"I love you," He whispered.

"I love you too,"

He force me to look at him. Our eyes met but his eyes drifted to my lips. 

"I'm hurting you, and I don't want to forgive myself. You're right, how can I break someone who completes me?"

I kissed him, he look shock. He didn't respond but after a few he did. You'll feel that he really loves what he's doing.