love is like a roller coaster

♥ forty six ♥

i'm scared.
i'm so scared.
i'm so scared to love.

writing my feelings down,
i hide away from them.
the white text on a black page,
it conceals my fears.

holding on to these few words as they slip through my brain,
it's the only way i can keep ahead of what i'm so scared of.

i'm frightened of roller coasters.
i'm afraid of the ups and downs,
of the rickety tracks,
of the feeling you get at the end.

i don't like feeling guilt.
i don't like feeling pain.
i'm scared of who i am
and who i could be.

i can't imagine my future
because i don't want to think
about the possibility
of not having one.

when i tell her i love her,
that's the day my life
will either start or end.
she means everything.

she is my future.
my hopes,
my dreams,
my heart,
everything.

a world without her
would mean a lot more fears for me,
and a lot less happiness for all.
i never want to live without her.

i've been frightened of my heart
far more than anything else
far too many times
in my life.

it has its own mind.
controlling it is impossible.
i'm scared of not having control.
i am frightened of myself.

the roller coaster that love is,
i'm scared of it too.
i am a coward.
i hope she doesn't know that.

if only she could give me courage.
if she told me i was brave,
i would believe her.
i'd believe anything she says.

unless she told me she loved me.
because no one could do that.
if i'm scared of my heart,
isn't everyone else?

can't they see who i really am?
this mess,
this crazy, insane thing
that pretends to be human.

can't she tell i'm not worthy of love?
doesn't she care?
does she?
add questions to the list of things that scare me.

i ask too many,
and they're all pointless.
she'll get annoyed of me soon enough.
she has to.

daring to dream.
daring to feel.
daring to hope.
daring to love.

could i?

only time will tell,
but the clock needs to hurry up.
i'm breaking fast.
i need to know if i can be fixed.

fearing the world,
fearing myself,
fearing the future,
i wait.

it's all i can do.