love is like a roller coaster

♥ thirty four ♥

look, there is what i once was and here is what i've become.

blonde hair.
blonde blonde, like an eight-year old cinderella.
"she's so smart!"
"what a sweet little girl."
dreams of girls.
eight years old.

i never liked boys.
i thought i did.
i thought that i liked a lot of boys.
i chose a crush.
he was so nice.
he didn't deserve it.
i feel bad for him.
i wish i just could have been his friend.

i didn't understand why i saw her
and suddenly i couldn't breathe.
i stared at her during class.
i laughed at all her jokes, even if they weren't funny.
you were mine first.
but you're not mine now.
being away from you,
i don't miss you more than anyone else.
i don't flip when i see you.
you were first.
but you are not it.

dirty blonde hair.
caramel, i liked to call it.
i think i talk too much to listen.
i hate talking.
i hate having to fill up the empty air with empty words and never say a thing.
i still dream of girls.
fifteen.

i've changed.
i don't like a lot of me.
i think i'm annoying.
i think people get tired of me.
i think i think too much to let people breathe.
i don't feel like i can be myself around anyone.
i'm trying.
i'm sorry.

this wasn't supposed to be about me.
and i don't want it to be.

but i don't want to think about love right now.
i can't get my hopes up.